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London's blog: "Cant sleep"

created on 12/17/2006  |  http://fubar.com/cant-sleep/b35177
They say it takes a minute to find a special person,an hour to appreciate them,a day to love them and an entire lifetime to forget them. I read this quote earlier in the evening... could it be true... I am not one to fall in love often, in fact I can only think of one time my entire life that I have been in love... but it seems that when I do I fall hard and fast... is this wrong of me... Is it wrong of me to fall so fast...I must work this out so bare with me... I have met someone pretty damn incredible... wow... I spoke with him on the phone for three hours tonight and I was sad to say goodnight... we agreed, that we are on the same level... we have the same types of thoughts, we think about the same things, and the funny thing is they arent normal thoughts... they are the type of thoughts that really do make sense, but most people just dont understand... the things that keep me awake at night are on his mind also... and we can pretty much complete each others sentences... its odd, almost as if our thoughts are one in the same. I know he will read this, so I am almost tempted to hold back for fear that it will scare him, but I choose not to, because i know he wants to know what I am thinking... and it wouldnt be fair of me to hold back... I feel like this thing has some AMAZING potential... if I choose not to run scared like I have so many other times... ya know what I think... I think that there is one person out there for everybody, If we are lucky enough to find that person we must grasp ahold of them tightly and not let go, because we will regret it in the long run... I know circumstances may not be ideal, but should that stop you NO its shouldnt!!! I am not going to let my thoughts get in the way with this one... I feel like he is the other half of my brain... its like we are the same damn person...its wierd I know... now I can not say its love cause its not... love to me means being willing to jump in front of a bus to save the other person...love means sacrificing yourself... but I feel a strong affection to him for we are kindred spirits... I feel a strong urge to want to try things out with him and see where they may go... I am fascinated with him and the person that he is... I crave a chance to speak with him again if only to learn more... Its some what heart tearing knowing that this is happening so quickly and without invitation... but many good things come when you least expect them... the thing that scares me the most is he just got of a long relationship, and I dont want to be the rebound girl... I am looking for something that will last forever... and I think this has that potential... the question is will it... I dont know only time will tell, but I guess my point is I have to give it a shot... If he is willing... cause at this juncture I am more than willing to at least give it a shot... cause I think I would regret it if i didnt... I have never felt high from a phone conversation, but that is exactly how I felt after talking to him... stunned silent... and all my friends know, I am not the silent type... I am loud and I am boisterous and I say exactly what I am thinking... ha ha... but anyways, I really was stunned silent at the end of the conversation... I felt like I was on a really good high... I dont think I blinked for a good hour ha ha... I think I am going to go on vacation with him ha ha... but only time will tell... Now all i have to do is meet him LMAO anyway all goodnight and pleasant dreams I will be here for more bullshit later ha ha

5:37 am 12-19-2006

Why do i always doubt myself so much why no matter how positively I think do I always have this tiny niggling in the back of my brain telling me that I am not good enough... why must I always harbor this self doubt since my accident my computer has become my safe haven if only because I cant do much else so maybe its the 165 contacts I have that never speak to me or maybe it is that one special person that says brb and you dont see them again... I have this feeling like am I not important enought to at least say hey Ive got something going on so I wont be seeing you for awhile...these are my thoughts for the night as depressing as they may be... just goes to show you that even I have my bad moments... like everybody else... It makes me put my gaurd up and I dont want to do that anymore I wnat to let people in... into the deeper parts of me... my babbling continues... i do beleive my mind is ready to shut down for the night but i leave you with this thought... If you dont want to be a persons friend just tell them... if they have any sort of maturity they will understand all I know is that I personaly just cant stand the not knowing part it drives me nutz... good night

12-18-2006 5:25 am

Do you believe in love at first site? I never use to, but when you meet someone incredibly attractive that just GETS you, your view starts to change a bit. I dont know If I do you. but what about soul mates... when you meet that special someone does your heat imediately recognize it to be so? I dunno, but I am beggining to think maybe so. WOW!!! I dont know what to say lol it just kind of hit me and i am not use to things like that... I am talking about the type of person you imediately open up to. you cant help but to do so you cant hold back because there is nothing threatening about them... this is KILLING ME!!! I am scared. I have known this guy for such a short period of time, but he is genuinely beautiful, both inside and out... I talk to him and I lose all focus on anything else. Like its just him and me. He has the most AMAZING brown eyes. Now I am not saying that I love this man for it is too soon to tell for sure, but I am more than definitely infatuated, and the potential for love is there. what do you do when you are in this situation... I think he feels the same way towards me... I definately left an impression. But how much is too much... I dont want to scare this guy off... I dont know I will just have to let life flow where it may and remember this time to keep a piece of my heart for myself... I dont know how serious things will get, but If they do get serious I dont want to have my heart broken as it has been before... The problem is I dont know if I could hold back with this one... cause I cant help but open up to him... I feel no judgement from him... I feel nothing threatening in any way... The one and only time I have ever been in love, I felt a slight change in me. there were just a couple things that he liked that I did not care for so much, and I felt like If I didnt like them too he wouldnt like me... so I made sure that I found something that I liked about everything he did... I dont think that can happen with this one... because I am happy with the person that I am right now... I am happy with me, and I wouldnt change for ANYONE IN THE WORLD. Besides the fact that we are so similar to one another it is slightly frightening. needless to sy I am excited about this one I want you all to wish my luck. for relationships are one area I have never been good in and with the POTENTIAL that this is showing I dont want to screw it up... I dont want to pull away That in and of itself is saying something... most guys I run scared after one good conversation... this one I can not pull away from I cant let myself... AHHH so once again random rambling for the night. my brain can sleep now... So I listen to my music and hope for the best. for at this point there is nothing more than hope in all of this... hope that things work out and hope that I dont pull away I must bid you all goodnight... I am ready for sleep
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