London's blog: "random bullshit"

I sit hear awake again... the short hours of the night growing long with thoughts of my life.waht makes my mind go on as it does I do not know. It seems that when my mind starts to work as it is now I fall deeply and pitifully into depression. A place I do not want nor need to go. But it seems my life is slowly changing... I no longer fill the voids that I feel with empty promises of change... I no longer feel the need to go out and have sex or do massive amounts of drugs to feel happy. Instead I try and fill my life with the little things that make me happy. Good music good friends and my loving family... I am not prerfect I know this more than you can imagine, but I also Know that I like the PERSON that I am... I am happy being me. The situation I am in may not be appealing, but the person I am is someone I would want to be friends with. That of course is not saying much since I want to be friends with everybody. But I am happy with myself none the less. It seems these days the only time I can sleep is after I have written. It doesnt have to be anything per se just random musings of my day and of my life, but I fall into slumber much more quickly after I have written, maybe it is because I know longer have those thoughts cluttering my mind and demanding attention... At any rate I have decided to post my random thoughts as blogs... only because I think If people should choose to read them It may give deeper insight into me, but also because I have nothing to hide... If my friends are truely my friends they wont cringe at my darker thoughts and they will celebrate with me when I find a new insight into myself... Everything I write is unedited, axactly as it flows to the keyboard, so If my randomness gets to be too much oh well, I at least I am being honest about my random side... once again... deeper insight is to be had in that as well... One of the many thoughts cluttering my mind tonight is one of happiness, although I am quite obviously still timid about it... I met a really great guy tonight... Online, because it is still quite hard for me to get out... We talked for hours and hours... Before our conversation started He told me he was looking for someone "more traditional" by the end of the night he said maybe I wasnt looking for tradition... that made me feel good... like If I am just myself and I let a conversation go where it may, things will always work out in the end... now mind you I wasnt trying with this guy, he stated up front that I was not what he was looking for, but I figured we could still be friends, because you can never have too many of those... I am the type of person that beleive there is truth behind every joke... and he jokingly said he loved me HA HA HA I know right... Now I honestly do not beleive this to be the case, as we have only talked one night, but I beleive the potential is there and i hope it goes well... we have the same tastes in music which is a fantastic thing because anybody who knows anything about me knows that music is my life... silence is not golden, music is... silence insights my brain to run off in a billion different directions, where as music sends my thoughts flowing in one direction... we talked about compputers... hes good with computers, I am not, but It gives him something to teach me, for I am ALWAYS wanting to learn new things, I talked alot about myself, and he seemed genuinely astonished, because we have alot in common... He said I understand him, and that no one around here understands him as he grew up in a different region of the country... People dont realize how different cultures are from region to region until they have spent a somewhat significant amount of time in another region...I have been having flashbacks recently... of my accident... I see these images in my mind of being caught in the wreckage, my body badly mangled and torn, yet it drifts off to something more peacful, something it took me a long time to remember... I am now remembering those images I had in those few moments of death... It was not a white light as everyone imagines it to be, but more like a collection of energy... I could here a billion different voices speaking to me at once, and no voice was the same... no message was the same... but they all came through crystal clear... like being in a crowded room and instead of hearing just one person voice and comprehending it, you hear the conversations of everyone in the room and can process it all, the last thing I remember hearing before I came to was "heal your mind and your body will follow, heal your mind and you can change the world" It has made me start listening to the little things...appreciating the little things, because if you dont those little things grow and change and what seems mundane can become ugly... lets call it a more posptive outlook on life... But I must sleep now I think i have said all that i needed to say to turn it off... send me on my way

Many of you know my mother. Well she decided to sign me up for a dating website, and when I filled out the usual retarded questionaires that every site has, for some reason I felt the need to think about who I am as a person... the following is what I came up with. It made me feel a little bit better about my situation... I should be putting up christmas decorations, and will now go back to doing just that, but I had to post this, not for you but for myself as a reminder of why I am the way I am and why I must continue living even when life and love deals me a harsh hand. A little about me... It is 4:11 in the morning I am putting up christmas decorations and I got bored so I decided I may as well put some actual TIME into this thing... I am a unique person, My friends have told me that my brain works backwards from other peoples, whatever that means... but If you are looking for basic knowledge about me, first and foremost I LOVE MUSIC, I can listen to just about anything, because to me music is what makes life worth living... It is what keeps me sane, and it is what keeps me happy, it is the soundtrack to my life, and I woudl be incomplete without it. I am a singer, and I DJ for cell block radio on cherrytap. I am a people watcher, if only because sitting back and watching gives you a better grasp on the nature of humanity. I love to laugh, they say laughter is the best medecine, and from personal experience I can say that there have never been truer words spoken. I dont litter and neither should you, the earth is our home, and we must respect her. I was never able to beleive in love until I found it. But what He told me was love was nothing more than lust and I had my Heart Broken. Although a little part of me will remain with him forever, I have picked up what peices remained and moved on. Life has a way of throwing us curveballs, we can either catch them and move on to the next stage in our life, or we can miss entirely and let ourselves sink into misery over our loss. I choose too move on. I am an anylitical being. I must always find the deeper meaning behind life. I do not beleive in god per se, but I beleive that we as people have souls, and that the way we live our lives dictates the way we go after death. I think we should always strive to better ourselves as people. As long as you strive towards that one and only goal you will never fail. What am I looking for in a partner? I can say that I am picky in this department. First and foremost there must be physical attraction. Without a physical connection there is no passion, and without passion what is the point of living life. Secondly you must build an emotional bond. Without the emotional bond, the physical begins to fade. I have a high IQ in the genius levels (although I do not express it at times) and I need someone as smart or smarter than me, I must remain intellectualy stimulated to keep from growing bored. I need someone spontaneous. I need this so when we are bored with nothing to do we can pick up and find some stimulation for the evening. I need someone who inspires me... to draw, to sing, to write... Inspiration is a must... I need someone willing to stand by my side through EVERYTHING. I like everyone else have some baggage, and when things get rough I need to know my special someone will be there through it all. I am attracted to many types of people, Physically I look like a punk rock chick, but I am more of a hippie personality wise. Do not try to put me into a box, I will not fit. I am attracted mostly to hippies, punks, skaters, and above all musicians. But appearance isnt foremost, personality is. I'd just like to add... I am opinionated, but I also know how to listen to reason. I got into a nasty car accident recently. I have experienced death, so now I must live life. I sometimes feel less than whole, but I know with time things get better, and that life always has a way of showing you whats important, and lets you know that you are the person you need to be and you are on the path you were meant to take. We are all here to advance the human race. We Impact every person you meet, interact with or see, All the images and memories from our pasts are written idelibly in our minds, and affect us, weather we remember them or not. This makes me beleive that no matter how small and insignifacant we seem we all have the power to affect the world. We are always in the right place at the right time. This may all sound like gibberish, If you do not understand the meaning BEHIND my words do not bother contacting me, for you will never understand me. The person I am Lies within these words, all you have to do is open your mind, and you will gain a better understanding, not only of me as a person, but of humanity. P.S. I have an attitude LOL

Deep in a pit of agony and despair I try to pull you out of it to show you hat I care you have dug this hole on your own but I will be there reaching out for you just know your not alone If I could I would take it away your pain and misery and make it all mine today your agony gone I would live peacfully hiding your sorrows inside of me You make it sound as if you are just fine but your pallid look tells me otherwise your in dangerous territory you walk a fine line Ill take all the danger and make it all mine Please help yourself for this is all I can do I am scared of your doom and for your sanity too Be the man you were before so I dont have to be frightened anymore

this was previously written by me... part two has yet to come, as it has to do with my recovery...I have remembered sommore and I have forgotten some of this but in my current mood I dont wish to rehash and edit myself because this is what I remembered when I wrote it, and I dont know if I truely want to remember it all Most of My friends and family know about my car accident, but over the last two and a half months I have had a lot of time on my hands to peice everything together and remember exactly what it was that happened that day...Some of the things I am about to say are NOT first handand at some points you may have to figure out what does and does not come from me... I apologize for this, but to get the full impact of what happened to me you need to hear the things that were told to me More than any day in history i think that day impacted me more than any other. So just for my own peice of mind and for those that dont really know what happened I m just goin to put it all out there from June eigth till today... So If you ave some time on your hands sit back relax and read on If not, I suggest saving this Blog for another day... I dont actually rember how the accident happened though I do remember every second afterwards... AI have been told that I hit the shoulder and overcompensated, but who knows before the accident even ended it was already called into the cops at 12:39 pm...My last four thoughts before losing consciousness were 1. Oh Im in deep shit now 2. If I relax my muscles Im less likely to get hurt 3. Im going to die At this point the pain was so intense and I suddenly had a very warm comfortin feeling come over me 4. At least Im going to die with this feeling The next thing I know a lady Is patting me on the face saying Ma'am wake up are you ok... wake up... Things becomeslightly fuzzy to me at this point At the time I remember being fully conscious and aware of tht things that were going on around me, but as time has gone by things have become veery fuzzy... I remember thinking that because I was fully aware there must not be any brain damage..(thank god)... I remember a man I think he was Hispanic saying ( in a very panikced voice) maam dont move Im an off duty police officer! However for my own peace of mind I had to see what was going on with me... I HAD to see the damage that was done. My left leg was out the window pinned against a tree... My right leg was in the passenger seat and I was doing the splits My left arm was out the window, kind of behind me... and I could see te ball of my shoulderIN MY ARMPIT... at the time I didnt know what it was that I was seeing,but after finding out everything that was wrong with me I KNEW I knew EXACTLY what it was that I was seeing that day... But tha is for later on... This section may be a little jumbled and I apologize for that, but right now Its like a rubiks cube things are beggining to come together but the puzzle may never be solved... The next thing I Remember there are DOZENS of people around me. They had to send a paramedic in through the back window and one through the front... I remember them being very concerned because my Blood pressure and pulse were all over the place and I was struggling to stay concious... At the time the horn was going off and they couldnt get it to stop... This sound was not regestering in my mind... i had too much other stuff to worry about... They had put a wedge shaped peicee of wood between the car and the tree to take the pressuree off my leg... They had to open the trunk to turn the horn off... It was jammed so closed that when they were trying to get it open the wedge gave way, and the car slammed back down on my leg... It was SO painful...At this point my arm was beggining to go Numb I couldnt feel my fingers...I remember them saying that they needed a helicopter but the one from nearby Mason City was already being used, so they had to send one from Iowa City I found out later that there were two firefighting crews and two ambulance crews fighting to get me out of the vehichle. I remember a firefighter by my side comforting me and someone asking for a blanket... they then broke out the jaws of life... not just one, but two... They covered my head with the blanket, and cut the top of the vehichle off... then they had to cut more of the window off to free my leg, but they still couldnt get me out... They had to Cut out the steering column, the center console and the gear shift... When they were cutting out the gear shift I got pinched in the ass with the Jaws of Life... Oh dear lord... Thank God I was abale to tell them in time, cause that would have hurt too...after they got me on the backboard they slipped me out of the passeger side of the vehichle. they wanted to cover my face with the blanket again but I told them no... I wanted to see the sky, because I didnt know if i would eve see it again they cut off my Jeans and my T-shirt (which I hd just bought THAT DAY) and took me to the helicopterIt had just landed... It was an hour and a half into my ordeal... It took a bit of effort t o get me into the chopper, they couldnt move my arm so it as in the way of the door closing... They managed to get me in to the helicopter, they closed the door and we were off I could see they sky to the leftand a man in a headset to the right. I remember thinking "my first helicopter ride and I cant even see the ground" and then I lost consciousness... I arrived at the hospital. My two and a half year old nephew saw the helicopter arriveand was very excited to see it, but when he was tol his aunt London was on it he started to cry... In the trauma bay of the emergency room I remember more faces People in scrubs yelling for things...I remember a doctor asking "does this hurt" and screaming in agony... The same doctor then had the balls to say "dont scream yes or no" and I thought YOU MOTHERFUCKER If Im screaming it probably hurts youu fucking retard!They then said that they were going to give me something for pain, and BOY WHAT A TRIP.... A wonder drug that I want to have again... If you want to know the imagees that i saw in my head, then look at the Newest Tool albem the images on the album cover are very similar to the imaes that were floating through my mind only in shades of white and gray.... i was still talking to the doctor during this,but I dont rememberany of what was said, or even the context of the "converstion" I remember feeling pressure on my leg where he was putting sitches and staples, and a strong presure in my shoulder when he popped it back into place... They then said that they were going to send my family in, In the trauma bay they wouldnt allow anyone under the age of eighteen, so I couldnt see my little sister they sent in my mother father and grandmother, and the only thing I could say wass "mom Im sorry I wrecked your car" and she cried. The next few days are fuzzy so Ill just let you know what I remember and What I know...The first thing I remember after waking up and seeing MASON DAVID and Troy...I had seen them LITERALY only minutes before my accident, and I remember thinking What good friends they are, they came to see me the day of my accident, I found out later that it was actually two days later... Many of my friends and family came to see me over the next few days, but I really dont remember who was there and who wasnt.... some people left things so I remember those visits (vaguely). I was on a LOT of pain killers, MOstly morphine, but several other things also. Then The diagnosis' started to come in. I had a broken neck in two places, three broken ribs a hernia, all the muscles in the lower right hand side of my backwere completely torn out, I had a shattered shoulder, my collar bone was broken My arm was broken in three places, all the ligamnets were torn out of my knee I had a very bad deep tissue injury to my groin/leg area a bulging disk and several other injuries that were not found until later. they gave me a leg brace and started teacing me how to walk again the first time I took six steps... then ten then thirty Exactly one week later, as soon as I was stabalized they sent me to Iowa City for more intense car and to begin the surgeries that would begin me on the road to recovery... They gave me one percocet to et me through the three and a half hour ride to Iowa City, and By the time I arrived I was in agony. When I arrived In Iowa City they did not yet have a bed ready for me, soI was put in the orthopedic casting room. I was in that room on a tiny gurney for hours... with only one dilautid to hold me through....During this time I was taken to X-ray... I was there for an hour... My mom was in the x-ray waiting room and could hear me screaming out in Pain... after six hours Doctor Napola came to llet me know a plan of action. I was very impressed with this man. He was honest with me from the beggining. He told me The shoulder was first on the list of things to take caare of... It had been Shattered and the ball at the top of the shoulder bone had been pulled unnaturaly into the joint they had to fix it. He said that normally they wouldnot do surgery on my arm, but becausse I would already be under for the shoulder they would go ahead and fix it at the same time. My knee would have to wait, until my arm and shoulder began to do better. They sent me up to my room. I had a window right next to my bed, It ws nice, because I could actually see the sky for the first time in over a week. Thesky that I honeslty thought I would never see agian... Tht evening I had the first meal I had eaten in over a week... Egg rolls, and chicken strips... the best meal I had ever eaten in my life. During this week I was constantly being taken to other areas for tests. They took me in for an MRI, and thats when the first major signs of mental trauma began to show up. I was trapped... like I was in the car... The put a blanket over my eyes like they did in the car, and the sounds of the MRI macine were just like the sound of the Jaws of life.... I had a panic attack... my brain took me back to those moments and I was TERRIFIED. It was horrible. I swore to myself that I would never have an MRI again. The day of the first surgery they rolled me into the preop room and began to give me a few details. They couldnt put the breathing tube in the traditional way because of the neck brace that I had to wear they had to use a fiberoptic camera and use that to lead the breathing tube in.... In order to do that I had to numb my throat with lidocaine... I had to suck on a lidocaine "lollipop" which was basically a wooden popsicle stick with lidocaine gel on it.... It was TOTALLY DISGUISTING... I also had to use a lidocaine inhaler to numb furtheer down my throat... The wheele me into the operating room, and started to put me under so they could put the breathing tube in... They slipped it in I COULDNT BREATHE, and then I was under... I thought I had died... AGAIN!! the first thing i did when they brought me out is tear off my blankets and say "I have to go to the grocery store to pick up my sister" they said "no you dont" they covered me back up, and then the pain kicked in and I rmembered where I was... They then had to do Xrays... More screaming from me... When they were done eith that they sent me up to my room I ate sent my family home, and went to sleep with the help of MORE than a few drugs. The next morning at six am my doctor told me all about the surgery they put two screws in my shoulder, and when the got into my arm they found out that it ws worse than they thought... they ended up putting ten screws and a metal plate in it. the next few days were used to prepare me to go home. showing m ehome terapys and what not then they told me I would NOT Be allowed to go home until I had another MRI on my knee... WHAT!?!?!? I BURST into tears another MRI I couldnt do it The doctors finally convinced me because they said I would only be part way in the machine, and they would sedate me... Well I wasnt near sedated enough, and they put me in up to my neck... I was not a happy camper damn it... I ot through it... (barely) an the nest day They sent me home. We had a full car of medical supplies, and it took four people and various "devices" to get me into the car... I nearly had to stay at the hospital because they couldnt get me into the vehichle... I ended up sideways in the back seat but I made it home

scream cry bleed die whatever... I have been wanting to cut lately... its been a long time since I have done that... or even had the desire to do so, but right now the feel of a razor blade on my wrists and fingers legs toes stomache... it sounds so good... I want to feel the pain to get rid of the pain... i know I can not do this because it is an addiction ... once you start you can not stop... I think I will stick with crying