Over 16,529,828 people are on fubar.
What are you waiting for?
I have a pattern that I can't seem to control. I want to love and be loved in return, but I'm afraid to do so. After so many people, you just have to ask yourself. Maybe it's me? There was this one, that one, that other one And the blame cannot fall strictly on them. When the people you love the most, the people that you hold dearest to you, cause you so much pain? It is hard to allow yourself to be set up for it once again, and I cannot make myself just let go. Regardless of what I do, that fear always takes over. Like it grabs me from the inside and says, " Not again girly," and causes me to push people away. Yet, by doing so. I am really causing myself so much heartache. Letting go, and allowing love in, or just simply giving someone the opportunity to break my heart, couldn't hurt any more than what I do to myself all the time. It is like my mind and my heart are at war, constantly struggling with each other, neither side giving an inch, tugging and pulling, refusing to let me have a moment's peace. I sit here alone, but it is my own choosing. I know I don't have to be, but the thought of not being alone terrifies me. I can handle the pain I bestow upon myself, and each time I feel myself loosening my grip. I always grab onto it just a little tighter, fearing that letting go will be my downfall. To hold on hurts, but to let go does as well. It is a battle I fight with myself constantly, and whatever it takes to conquer this. I am willing to try almost anything at this point. No one could possibly hurt me anymore than I do myself all the damn time. Figure me out, that is an impossible task. For, I haven't been able to accomplish that so far. No one has to break my heart; I do it before they even get the chance to. In my mind, I am helping them by pushing them away, because there is just something about me that causes people to act the way they do. So that lame excuse. It's not you...it's me...really is true in my case.
Dear Andy,
Once upon a time, you were everything to me. You were the only man I could see, the only one I wanted to be with. You were like my air. I couldn't live without you. I didn't want to be without you. I truly felt you were the other half of my soul. I dreamed of raising our babies together. I dreamed of rocking chairs on a porch watching our grandchildren play. I wanted to grow old with you by my side. I couldn't imagine my life you without you in it. Over time, things between us changed. They became dark. We fought constantly. I fell out of love with you....Now as I say this, I don't mean that I don't still have love for you. You will always be in my heart and I will always have love for you. I am just no longer in love with you. Anyway, you changed, Andy. When we met, you were a good guy. You became this half a man that I dont even recognize. You are a stranger to me now. I always thought you were my Prince Charming. You saved me, Andy. You made me believe in love again.....But at the same time, you took that away from me. You showed me that love is cruel and unkind. It is vindictive and jealous. Or at least that is how our love became....That isn't how it is supposed to be. I am writing this tonight, Andy, because I want you to know that you no longer have that power over my heart. You are no longer the air I breathe. Our memories are burned in to my mind and my heart But I can walk away now. Find the man you once were, Andy. Your kids deserve to know that man....Not the guy that you are now.
Your Wife,
Tasha
If you're going to fall in love with me, it's only fair that you know what you're falling in love with.
You are falling in love with my immaturity, my constant need to feel loved and appreciated,my overactive tear ducts, my internet obsession,my tendency to be a little too clingy.
You are falling in love with my sometimes filthy mouth, my insecurities, my temper and my attitude.
You fall in love with my troubled past,and my hopes and dreams,and how I'm a hopeless romantic at heart.
If you fall in love with me, you fall in love with all my imperfections and my perception that nobody could ever love me.
But, you are also falling in love with the way my eyes will smile when I'm with you,the way I'll text you in the mornings just trying to get you to wake up.
You're falling in love with the occasionally goofy and thought-provoking things I say,and the way I blush when people ask me about you.
But to me, the most important thing will be that you are falling in love with me...
So it's a little after one and I'm still wide awake. "Why?",you ask. Because I can not seem to find the power switch to this brain of mine. It's always something anymore. Tonight, it's men. Not any that are currently in my life, or any that have ever been. Just men in general and what I need/ want in my next relationship. "Begging for trouble" ,you say. Yes, probaly. But if I don't figure out what I need/want, who is ever gonna know? Bear with me folks. I know I'm a little scatterbrained sometimes. This will probaly be one of those posts I go back and add to....just a thought.
1. He must have a job of some sort. Whether it be at Mcdonalds or the coal mine, a job is a must. Ps. Drug dealing or "Hustling" is not a job! I say this not because I want someone to support me but because I want you to be able to support yourself.
2. He must like children. My babies are my everything. I don't want you to replace their
father, nor do I expect you to help raise them. I have that under control. But in order for me to be a part of your life, my children have to be a part of it as well.
3. He must have dreams, aspirations, goals even. He must want to do something with his life besides sit on the couch and drink beer.
4. He must be sincere and honest and not tell me things just because he thinks that is what I want to hear.
5. NO mama's boys!!!!!!! Please and thank you!
6. He must have hobbies and friends and intrests outside of our relationship. Yes, I should enjoy spending time with him but I also enjoy my alone time.
7. He must talk to his Mother with respect. If he doesn't respect the woman who made him, How can I expect him to have respect for me? Which leads me to #8
8. He should respect that I am my own person. I have my hobbies, my intrests, my friends, my ambitions, and my own dreams.
9. He should want me to be a better person than I was..Not try to change me into something that he wants me to be but help me grow and learn and not bring me down.....
Hmmm....ok well thats all I have for the moment....To be continued.....lol
