InnocentlyEvil's blog: "Ramblings Of Tasha......"

I have a pattern that I can't seem to control. I want to love and be loved in return, but I'm afraid to do so. After so many people, you just have to ask yourself. Maybe it's me? There was this one, that one, that other one And the blame cannot fall strictly on them. When the people you love the most, the people that you hold dearest to you, cause you so much pain? It is hard to allow yourself to be set up for it once again, and I cannot make myself just let go. Regardless of what I do, that fear always takes over. Like it grabs me from the inside and says, " Not again girly," and causes me to push people away. Yet, by doing so. I am really causing myself so much heartache. Letting go, and allowing love in, or just simply giving someone the opportunity to break my heart, couldn't hurt any more than what I do to myself all the time. It is like my mind and my heart are at war, constantly struggling with each other, neither side giving an inch, tugging and pulling, refusing to let me have a moment's peace. I sit here alone, but it is my own choosing. I know I don't have to be, but the thought of not being alone terrifies me. I can handle the pain I bestow upon myself, and each time I feel myself loosening my grip. I always grab onto it just a little tighter, fearing that letting go will be my downfall. To hold on hurts, but to let go does as well. It is a battle I fight with myself constantly, and whatever it takes to conquer this. I am willing to try almost anything at this point. No one could possibly hurt me anymore than I do myself all the damn time. Figure me out, that is an impossible task. For, I haven't been able to accomplish that so far. No one has to break my heart; I do it before they even get the chance to. In my mind, I am helping them by pushing them away, because there is just something about me that causes people to act the way they do. So that lame excuse. It's not you...it's me...really is true in my case.