Annelid's blog: "Ramblings,thoughts and assorted stuff"

Some things to know….

I’ve always been a pretty self centered person. Actually that’s not true at all. I don’t give a flip about myself because if I really did, I’d be bettering myself. It’s much easier to wallow in one’s self pity. And wallow I do. Whining to whomever will listen….

So if your reading this..you.are.listening(or rather..reading).  Sit back , enjoy a adult beverage of your choosing and let the libations flow….

Ever since I’ve been little, I’ve been on the outside looking in. I suppose I’ve built a sort resistance to it. Imagine being little and made fun of because your fat, or your clumsy. Being picked last for a gym class team, well not really picked per se but forced to be on one side by the gym teacher.

Fast forward to HS. Nothing’s really changed. Sure I’m a bit older , a bit more wise but still naïve if that makes any sense. Still socially awkward and very shy. HS for me was a utter nightmare. I’d make any excuse to either not go in or cut class. I got to the point where I didn’t care anymore. And care I didn’t . So I got thrown out of my hs and I ended up going to a hs in a inner city. That was fine, as I was starting with a clean slate.  Nobody knew me. It was liberating in a way. I didn’t have to try to fit in. I could be me. But that begs the question, what is me?

 Much like Patrick Bateman there really is no real me. I’m malleable. I’ll twist and contort to fit in. I’ll be what you want me to be. I want acceptance at any cost even if that cost is my dignity. So be it.  

College. Wow. Away from home for a extended period of time. Academia and I never really meshed…but when you’re a white guy ( ok half white guy) from suburbia it’s expected of you to go off to college and so I did. I was so lost. I became lost in a haze of excessive drinking and well, drug use. Everything from herb to mesc. I didn’t care. I had no grand delusions that I was going to graduate with honors (or even graduate at all) so college was essentially a long term (albeit expensive) party.

I then came home. I ended up working dead end job after job…..

Like a moth to a flame I gravitated towards the city. The city in this case was New York. The Big Apple. The city that never sleeps. I found out about nightclubs. And I loved it. The music, the anonymity of it all. Dancing around with total strangers but having one thing in common…music. But there was a dark side to that as there always seems to be. Drugs. Oh and drugs I did. Acid,schrooms, mescaline, coke, etc. My life was spiraling away. I was alone. No girl friend, no close friends (well unless you count those you hung out with to goto ny with). I had a job that a monkey could do. I was miserable so I decided a change was in order. I went to tech school and became a pc tech as well as certified Novell Administrator (cna).

I had a few entry level jobs but nothing to brag about. But it sure beat loading and unloading trucks for a living. But I don’t want to bore you with my job history. What I’m getting at here is….I have nothing to show for all this wear and tear.

I’m underemployed *severely*. I can’t sleep at all. If I get 3 hours of sleep a night I’d consider that a good night. I have no friends at all. No not cyber pals I mean someone I can call up and say “ hey look I’m kinda down, want to come over have a beer or 2 and grab dinner”?  As for a gf , I’m talking to someone but I’m realistic. I’m not bf material (ask my ex’s). Plus I live in a tiny apartment.where there’s nary room for me and my collective thoughts.  Plus there’s distance , literal distance. She’s far from me. I can’t make any decisions on my own. I’m a financial puppet to my parents. I can’t afford to do anything on my own so I defer to them. They essentially control my destiny at this point.

The outlook is dreary. If I was up to me, I’d disappear. How? I don’t know but I’m not seeing anything good down the road. The future’s a bleak one…

Who am I kidding? Nothing will happen. I’ll find (eventually) a full time crappy dead end job. Continue to post and interact on fubar and life will go on. I’ll still be miserable. That’s the one constant in my life …misery. And being  alone. And I should be used to it.  Not everyone is cut out for greatness or a relationship .

 I’ll do what I normally do. Fake a smile; make a joke here and there. Be everybody’s pal. You know me, I’d never say anything to offend you. Nor hurt you. I’m perfect in that aspect. I’ll rationalize things. And life goes on…..