Crazy btch's blog: "Poetry"

i want my heart back should have never given it away want my heart back cant stand the fighting everyday give it back to me i'm begging you i want my heart back those words you said must not have been true i hate you today for the pain you put me through i hate you today because i dont know what to do i hate you today because i cant stop loving you and i hate you today because i cant hate you i want my heart back should have never given it away want my heart back cant stand the fighting everyday give it back to me i'm begging you i want my heart back those words you said must not have been true i loved you back then when everything seemed right i loved you back then when we never seemed to fight i loved you back then when we didnt want to say goodbye and i loved you back then when you didnt make me cry i want my heart back should have never given it away want my heart back cant stand the fighting everyday give it back to me i'm begging you i want my heart back those words you said must not have been true i love you now but not enough to stay i love you now but you need to go away i love you now but i cant stand to dream because loving you now, makes me want to scream i want my heart back should have never given it away want my heart back cant stand the fighting everyday give it back to me i'm begging you i want my heart back those words you said must not have been true i'll ask you one more time, to please just give it back to me just hand it right on over and leave me be just give me back my heart and go on your merry way give it back to me and make today the very last day you said that you loved me but now i dont really know you said that you loved me but now you never let it show you still say that you care about me but what does that mean you say you care but you took away my dream i want my heart back should have never given it away want my heart back cant stand the fighting everyday give it back to me i'm begging you i want my heart back those words you said must not have been true

To my wonderful, beautiful boy, You fill my days and nights with joy. To watch you grow and see your smiles, I'd walk a hundred thousand miles. I'd do anything to keep you safe, For you I have so much love and faith. You are what keeps me going when nothing else seems right, I love to hug you and hold you tight. Dont forget that I love you dear, I want to keep you close and near. I'll never ever stop loving you, Until my last breath, this is true. I love you Jaedon, Love, Mommy

sitting here all alone in the dark feeling so alone wish i had someone to call someone who'd pick up the phone wishing i had a man with his arms wrapped around me tight but instead i am here alone again tonight my baby's in the next room beautifully asleep trying to be quiet so he wont hear me weep i cry because i'm lonely and because i am depressed feeling lonely is something i very seldom express maybe someday i will find just what i am looking for and this empty feeling will be something i feel no more but until that day comes and takes me by suprise i will hide and cover my face to muffle the cries i want no one to hear me and want no one to see just what this unhappiness is doing to me i raise my hand to wipe my cheek and feel the many tears hoping and praying that someday this depression disappears. Leah-aka-Owl

What am I gonna do? Sometimes feels like I'm on fire. Sometimes I'll keep hangin on, maybe I'm the only one. My vision is blurred, these emotions are stirred.You walked my way, that morning I didn't know what to say.I guess one way or another, your to stay. Maybe I'm not the one to blame, you took my hand, didn't let go. Don't take me away cause my times not done. My clearest dreams. Have yet to come. If I should die as I sleep, may those who knew me. Those who heard me speak though some called me weak.If I should slip or fall away know I never ment it again anyway. If I fade before I wake, take solice in the words I take.

I was standing in the darkened doorway waiting for that monster to notice me she was throwing things and yelling I dont think she knew that i could see she yelled at her little boy for spilling food on the floor i was still waiting for her to see that i was standing in the door she yelled at his father for things he didnt do wrong i dont think she realized I'd been standing there so long I was standing in the doorway watching her go into a fit of rage It was hard for me to watch her Screaming, going on a rampage. I was standing in the doorway watching as it became clear that girl i was watching was me thats why she didnt see me standing here. Standing in the doorway once again after seeing how mean i am crying and begging for my anger to end.

i sit in my darkened room alone as my tears come falling down my reddened cheeks i sob and cry for losing the one i found that made me feel like i meant something i screwed up with him just like i have done with all the others to make them walk away alone again and frusterated because alone is how i always end up being and that hurts alone isnt as bad as being lonely and i have never felt so lonely in my life i have people i can turn to, but without him its just not enough for me i cant say the words and tell him how i feel because its too much for him to handle i cant reach out and touch him, to hold him and let him know that i am here for him hes a million miles away and yet it feels like he was just here and left walking away from me from life from everything around him to heal his pain i truly believe i helped cause that pain and thats why i feel so alone and lonely i helped to hurt someone i care alot about my friend, one of the best someone i could turn to in the middle of a break down someone who would remind me of right and wrong, and help me when he could someone who thinks poorly of himself and cant see why i think the world of him if he were in trouble and needed me there, i would swim an ocean to get to him i would sell everything i owed to be able to afford to be with him when he needed me there i would back pack across the country to be a shoulder for him to cry on yet i come across too strong sometimes making him back away from me a little farther i am going to be alone for the rest of my life and going to be lonely inside the one thing, one person i truly would do anything for, isnt the person that can handle me he wouldnt be able to watch me lose it time and time again he wouldnt be able to see me throwing things and screaming i would break him inside if he had to watch me when my temper and depression kicks in as much as i want him with me i want him happy and thats not with me as much as i dont want to be alone i want him to move on to someone else and be happy without me i want the world for him and i cant give that to him now, or in the future. so here i sit alone in my bedroom with tears pouring out knowing that i am alone but knowing this is what is best for everyone involved... especially him.

Utterly disgusted with myself Tears of anger Tears of Pain I should be ashamed I try not to let the whole world see All the things that are wrong with me All the little voices in my head Sometimes wishing I was dead How am I supposed to act When my brains aren’t in tact Can’t concentrate on everyday life Too afraid to use a knife Trying to forget the pain Stepping out into the rain Looking up into the blue sky Please God I don’t want to die I just want to be free Why do I always feel Like my life is surreal I just want to stand up away from this Say goodbye to the feelings and give you a kiss I want to be normal but what is that I don’t want to be this fat I want to wipe away the tears And say hello to the next 50 years.

Suicide The door opens with the slight turn of the knob As the keys fall to the floor Eyes filling with tears A feeling forever more Red splatters all around the room A gun and empty shell The house all evacuated Nothing left to sell The love of your life You best friend now dead You go over to their side And lift up their head Already gone No way to save She loved you too much to wait She decided that she couldn’t take it anymore Then left you a note on the refrigerator door Love was felt for you that you could not return This is not supposed to be a lesson that you had never learned

WHY Why me? Why the pain and the heartache? HOW How did I fall for him? How did I believe the lies? WHEN When will I forget him? When will I forgive him? WHERE Where will I find Mr. Right? Where will I be when I fall in love again? WHAT What will I do when I find him? What will I tell him when I look into his eyes? Questions pop into my head What did I say what have I said? Why did I fall so deep for a man who was still just a boy? Why didn’t I realize that he saw me as a toy? When did I figure out that he wasn’t Mr. Right? When did I forget that I couldn’t stand to fight? Where will I go to get away from this mess? Where will I be when I finally rest? How will I get over this terrible pain? How did I keep from going insane?

My ending Why did I pick up the bottle? Where did I find the knife? I’m finally putting an end to this miserable life. Walking down that long and narrow road in silence, I can’t figure out where I got all this violence. I stopped in the green and growing pasture, Trying to find a method to make me die faster. I want to go away off the face of this earth, I hate my mother for ever giving birth. I walked a little farther to the old rusty bridge at the end of the road, Knowing that the water below would be freezing cold. I stood up on the edge of the guardrail, No matter what I try to do I always fail. Not this time because today my dream comes true, I get to fly away to freedom away from you. Getting good and ready to take the fast and scary dive, I stop to think of any reason that I should stay alive. Then it clicked inside my brains as I came down from the ledge so fast, Why kill myself over what happened in the past?