Crazy btch's blog: "Poetry"

The craziness of the past, present, and future Out or nowhere the tears are forming I thought I was so happy today Out of nowhere I started thinking And I know that I’ll be okay No matter what you said to me All that time ago It doesn’t matter how you make me hurt It’s a pain I no longer know I wanted to scream at you Yell so loud above the noise I can still hear my mom saying “Boys will be boys” Well, to me that don’t matter The silly things she said The tears are still forming And I don’t want to get out of bed Why are the tears rolling Down my not so pretty face Every time I feel them coming I feel like a disgrace A laugh is forming in my voice A happiness in my tone I just happened to remember That I’m not really all alone There is someone special Someone that makes me laugh You don’t need to know it yet But you’re not my better half There was a time it was different And I can’t remember why There was a time it was different When you didn’t make me cry I have someone to make me giggle A giggle you’ve never heard Because you were too busy plotting The even hear my words I have yet to set myself free Of all the pain inside But it’s getting better I’m forgetting the lies you lied I still worry that he’ll hurt me too No one will ever put me through The horror and the pain That you thought was funny to do You laughed at me more than anyone has Because you were laughing at my mistakes You just wanted to hurt me Thinking it doesn’t matter what it takes Goodbye to you for now And goodbye forever more My only wish for now is that You don’t show up at my door

Friends? You looked at me through gazing eyes, you mumbled off a ton of lies. You just wanted to get laid, if sex was the life you got it made. You didn’t need me for love of life, you stabbed me with a burning knife. You let me parade around, you went a while without making a sound. You knew that you could make me melt, you waited until I confessed. You said to stop and take a rest. Later you told me not to try, I wouldn’t let you hear me cry. I told you that I would go, I still care but you wouldn’t know. I gave up I don’t want to care, yet the feelings still linger in the air. You haven’t yet responded to my letter, if you would, I would feel better. I’m not waiting for your word, I’ll just live with the unheard. I just want to say goodbye, so I will say it but will not cry. I said that I wished that we could talk, I don’t want to turn and walk. Soon I thought I shouldn’t dare, tell you that I do not care. But it’s said and it’s all done, we could hang out and have some fun. Please tell me that it will last, I will forget about our past. Act like that was never done, I give up for you have won.

The mirror Every morning as I gaze into the shiny glass of the mirror that stands above the sink, I almost shed tears because of what I see. I don’t want to use the term “ugly” yet not beautiful at the same time. I cringe when I realize that I don’t have what it takes to be liked, wanted, or loved. I lose my heart to guys that act interested in me, yet they are not interested in my mind or my heart. Only in being sexual for one night. I always feel used after that act of sexual pleasure is over, and the guy decides he wants nothing more to do with me. Yet, I always seem to repeat the mistake of thinking that it will be different. It’s me that get crushed in the end. Heartache and heartbreak are the most familiar feelings that I have felt. I cannot remember the last time that I have been “happy” in my heart. I have fully given my heart away and watched it be torn into a million pieces when he decided he did not feel the same. I don’t think I have ever been trusted with someone else’s heart. Never held someone as he cried, kept his secrets listened to his deepest thoughts. Never had the joys of being his last call, or goodnight kiss. Never been someone’s better half, and love of his life. Never been “the one”. Still wonder when I’ll find the boy who will open up to me, show me what it’s like to hold someone and have him hold me back. Someday I will be wanted for my thoughts, conversation, ambitions, soul, character, and heart. Then maybe I will look into that mirror still mounted so perfectly, and see a girl who is so happily in love, satisfied knowing that just outside that room is the boy who have her his everything. And a smile will appear on my face like no smile I’ve ever had before.

Pride I made the mistake of asking When I didn’t care to know You don’t have the feelings for me That you seem to like to show I am sorry if I seemed Like I cared about your taste But don’t continue sharing it Its just air you’ll waste My feelings have been damaged You don’t care to see I have feelings for you That you don’t have for me I’ll remember not to mention Anything I don’t care to hear And I’ll forget to tell you That I like to have you near You’re not worth my self-esteem My confidence or my pride Someday in the future I’ll make a beautiful bride I’ve been hurt by many You’re not the only one But sometimes I wish That I didn’t always run I flee from everything The good and the bad But usually my tears run When someone makes me sad I mist admit I like you No matter how hard that seems But even though you hurt me I still have my dreams

Standing No matter what I do in life there’s someone who believes in me I know deep in my heart and soul he and I are meant to be No matter who I’m with he’ll love me for who I am inside He’s got a way of bringing out my secrets and emotions that I try to hide He stood by me as I pushed away a man that made me cry If he were standing here right now he’d reach up to dry my eyes He’d wrap his arms around me and bring his body close to mine When I push him far away he says he’ll try again in time If he were here right next to me standing in front of my face I’d thank him for being so patient and moving at such a slow pace I’d tell him that I love him and never want to let him go I have feelings for him that I thought I’d never know No matter what the future holds for the 2 of us in years ahead He needs to know I love him and cherish all the things he’s said He knows how to make me smile and bring laughter to my voice I hope he knows that if he lived close he would be my choice He says he will stand by me through all the things I do I believe just what he says and know that it must be true I rush home every morning to see if he’s online Can’t wait to say hello to him and let him know I’m fine This is a weird relationship between a woman and a man We may never meet each other because we don’t know if we can But even though we’re strangers we are best of friends A piece of my heart will belong to him until the very end You may not understand just what we’re going through But he’ll be standing by my side this I know is true.

The little boy A young single mother, sitting in tears… her baby boy running to her to erase her fears. With the smile upon his precious little face… her heart begins to race. She’s a mother with worries and a doubt… how will her life, or his, turn out? Amazing green eyes staring up at her… turning those worries into a blur. Chubby little arms wrapped around her neck… leaning in to her lips to give her a peck. She has to learn to take things one day at a time… and she may need to save every dime. But she should have not a fear about her parenting skills… shouldn’t have to think about the bills. My wish for this mother and her adorable son… is to live life like a game they both have won. Don’t get me wrong he will make her cry… but he will grow up to be an amazing guy. She will teach him what is wrong and teach him what is right…and he will have a future that is very bright. Don’t let her get down don’t let her get sad…. She’s just worried that he will hate his dad. If I know that mother at all she’ll do things the right way… and he will learn to live life day to day. Don’t worry about tomorrow or what will happen up ahead… be thankful for today and just remember what you’re mother said. She wipes off the tears that are sitting on her cheek… smiles when she hears the few words he can speak. She gives that little boy the biggest hug she has inside… that little boy has given her back her pride.

~~~~my heart up in flames burning with pain, my eyes pouring out a salty rain. hurting the one that i know cares for me, to follow my heart to see what it will be. am for the anger i have caused my dear friend, hoping this will not be the end. my heart says i should try one last time to be with someone from the past, but i am so afraid that once again, it wont last. both these men mean so much but i am starving for attention and touch i cant seem to bring myself to stop hurting inside, almost as if i am losing my pride. bad at being a mom and worse at being a friend, sometimes wishing today would be the end wanting to scream with anger and hurt, wishing i could crawl in a hole in the dirt, wanting to take back all the hurtful things i told him tonight, knowing i cant because it wouldnt be right wanting to let the words come flowing out, but instead i want to scream and shout wanting someone to hold me tight, knowing i cant have that tonight~~~~

Sitting in front of the mirror crying my eyes out, i hate seeing her looking at me with confusion and doubt. I may not be perfect, but am i really all that bad? i hate when i get so crazy, so mean and so mad. Wishing that those angry eyes would stop glaring at me. cant she see that i am only who she lets me be? She tells me i am crazy, psychotic, and fat, but who is she to talk, looking like that. she has tear streaks rolling down her face, mascara below her eyes. she acts like i'm the only one who ever cries. if only i was a better person, and better mother to my son, she'd stop acting like the devil has won. Glaring back into the mirror, wiping away those tears, i tell myself that i will be happy again, one of these years. i know as i see the reflection of myself in the glass, that i need help from someone, this feeling will not pass. i pick up the telephone and dial, please get me in now, i dont want to wait a while. sitting in the chair with tears and a frown, please help me i always feel so down. i am needing help and i am begging you, do something take it away i hate being blue. i have asked for the help, not its outa my hands, maybe now i can start making plans.

sitting on a blanket on the grass in the middle of the night glad that the moon and stars are the only light glancing into the sky and sees a falling star wishing that i was there where you are sitting alone on my bed and thinking of your face wishing i was dressed in white and lace wanting to be your MRS., your wife needing you to stay apart of my life standing by the lonely table, no one sitting there wishing i had a family and someone to care wiping away the tear that lands on my chin knowing that without you i'll never have a grin why is it that every time i make my crying plea it seems that no one is listening to me i've wished for you a thousand times this week cried so many times its hard to speak maybe just one more wish and i will have you with me maybe one more prayer and i'll know that we were meant to be wishes i wasnt so lonely and alone thinking about picking up the phone

My heart is breaking into a million pieces.... My mind is racing for a millions reasons.... For him, I am starting to fall..... Does he like me? not at all.... And I don’t know what to do or how to say it.... I just want to scream and give up on this shit.... Its not love this I know... But I like him... and it shouldn’t be so He’s not mine for me to need... But I feel as if my heart will bleed... I want to tell him but don’t know how... And I don’t think the time is now.