mer mer's blog: "poems,thouhgts,bitching post,ect............"

well it has been a while since have wrote anything and now i have to state my opion on something... i think that it is pretty shitty that someone can RUN your life and TELL you who u are able to talk to and so on.......maybe this aint true but OMFG how somene can let a 24 year friendship go down the drain....i just cant belive that....for some one who is so smart and strong can let someone run your life is pretty flippen sad....and yes i know what you are thinking and that s fine but u know that im doing what i have to do...yes it might not be the right choice but for now it is..if i was able to come home and LIVE my life i would.....but this is BULL that you would let HER run your life.....i know that your not happy and u have not been in a while... we have had our good and and times over the years and i have to say to you again......i told you once i lost you and now that i have found you i WILL NOT let you go again..... and you know me well enogh that im not joking but if that is what YOU want is for me to stay out of it i will.....and now i know the REAL TRUTH.... u hvae my # so when u can figure out what is more important then u can give me a call.... a friendship that is TRUE on both ends or someone that is going to tell you who u can and cant talk to.....

have you ever just had one of those days where u just sit and think and think and the question u have to ask u cant get the answers to? or u get lies to. well it seams that i have done alot of thinking and i just cant get some things off my mind and it is killing me.startting to wonder about alot of things and im getting annoyed with everything and everyone.weather it is my job,kids,husband,the man im in love with and so on. i dont have the worlds grestest job but it is my job and i like what i do..it is just the store and i feel that everyone thinks im just wasted pace and i should quit. the kids well one aint doing good in school and dont want to be here....wants to spend all her time with her friends and i understand that is a teenanger thing . the other one well she is hatting life right now and could care less about anyone who cares about her and for the youngest well she is picking up bad habbits from her sisters and im haveing a hard time getting her to stop her shit...hoping that it will break soon.they r my world and i do what i can but it is a non winning battle between them all.... my husband well he is a ass...no matter what i do or say it is wrong...our marriage has fallen apart over the last 5 years. i get stuck in the middle between the kids and him...i cant afford to leave him right now.even though i have been told that i could make it but if i leave him i will never get the dream that i have been wantting for years.and that is to move back home....i just know that once i get there it is going to be over.that is fine but i will have a hard road a head of me and i will have to put on a happy face for everyone like i do now... and well the man im in love with well i just dont know any more. i know that if i was home it would be easier and we could work at it together even thou he knows the hell i have been threw over the years .we have lost contact also over the years and i keep chipping at this VERY thick wall he has up and i dont know what to do to break it .... i have been told to keep chipping at the wall because he will come around and relize what he has in fount of him again....he has told me that he does want me back but is he just telling me waht i want to hear or is it the truth? i miss and love him so much i cant even say...i would do anything for him and i dont think that he see's it like i do...we can get on good convo but then for some reason i get a different picture about it...i just dont know what it is about him but i feel safe,free,no worries, someone that really cares and loves me for me and i dont have to pretend around... i feel that i have no one to talk to and when i do state whats on my mind i have the feeling that who ever is listening that they dont even really care and wish i would just shut up... well i just had to get some shit off my mind so i would feel better and i do to a point but i dont know...i guess i will have to just keep doing what i do and hope for the best.

looking in the mirror makes me sick. i look older than i really am and im not even 40 yet. looking in the mirror i see a non pretty person someone who is not where she wants to be looking in the mirror someone who wants to be loved someone who has so much love for everyone and gets nothing in return looking in the mirror the bitching post for everyone someone who cant have a life has to live in hell cause she cant make it looking in the mirror she knows what she has to do to be where she wants to be in life but the sad thing about it she is saying i dont know

i catch myself all the time thinking of you. i dream of you. i listen to songs that make me think of you and it puts a smile on my face and make my day.hearing your voice make me happy. wishing i was in your arms right now and then i wake up and relize that im in hell still.... i fall back to sleep and there you are and it makes me feel good....remebering the memories we have shared and it makes me feel good also.there is just something about you that i cant get out of my mind and i cant figure it out and it makes me happy.... you deserve to be treated like a king and i know that i can do it....i need to be treatted like a queen and i know that you can do it for me also.... i wish that i was right there now in your arms and being all that we can be to each other..so once again im thinking of you daily..

well im in the air and listening to music while the tears r running down my face and relizeing how unhappy i am at home and with parts of my life. i have no problems with the kids except the normal shit and everyday BS. my husband has had many issuses overs the years but they have gotten worse as the years go by. we love each other but not in love with each other any more. yes he has been there in times of need but it aint the same.everyone sees that we r together for the kids and that is it and i know that it is not s good reason. i have made it this far i can make it the rest. we r not going to make it once we get to portland i know it very well. it will suck to be a single mother but will be ok.maybe i will get the love of my life back.we would never be married but we would be happy.

1- do you feel good that you know someone loves you and cares about you very much? 2- do you feel that i make you feel special? 3- did you ever think that you would find someone who loves,cares for you the way i do? 4- if you could change one thing about me what would it be? 5- describe the perfect night with me? 6- am i readding into this the wrong way? 7- would you ever put me on the "to do list " again? 8- will you ever love,care and miss me as much as i do you? 9- do you finealy relize that im truely sorry? 10- do you ever think that is we were to ever get back together if i would screw things up again? 11- do you want to leave you alone? 12- are these answers the truth or just you think i want to hear?

Love Love is a word of affection don’t you wish that’s making love Love is a word that is thrown around like a rag doll Oh I love you will you sleep with me Sounds real attractive huh That is not what love is Love is caring for some one So much That you would risk your life For there’s Love is not just a word But rather an emotion And Feeling So why don’t you think about that the next time you hear I LOVE YOU Oh yeah I LOVE YOU

I MISS i miss home i miss fun times i miss close friends i miss family i miss your touch i miss your kiss i miss your love i miss your smile i miss your laugh but most of all i miss you