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At times I was assisted by pharmaceuticals, but I've slept most of the last two days away
lost 4 lbs, had a few cool dreams about playing in the little-league world series.
What started all this?
I snorted to clear my throat at about 8:00 Sunday morning, threw out every ligament and muscle in my neck and upper torso and hovered at about a 7 on the pain scale in about 45% of my body for 36 hours.
I'm not kidding. I snorted and hocked my throat, and felt my muscles snap and spasm in shock, and couldn't move my head in any direction for several hours.
I did not go to work today.
My range of motion is shot. I was barely upright until today.
I've used my exercise ball, my inversion table, and some leftover painkillers and muscle relaxers
now the pain and tension has finally crept up to my head at about a 4, I'm actually thankful for this.
I can move.
I can sit up.
I can eat.
I can get out of bed.
The will to live is slowly creeping back into me.
There were moments it was gone, and I was fairly convinced that this would just be the start of pain management, harsher drugs, and a rapid descent into addiction, overdose, joblessness, and eventually death. It's not going to take a whole lot to push me from pills to needles. Not being in pain gets me high.
I'm scared. I'm hurt. I'm angry.
A weird cocktail of hope and rage keeps me going, but days like this really bring it all back, and pile it on.
They tell me that's what PTSD is.
I guess I just gotta reinforce my coping mechanisms and keep running as fast as I can from the past.
