(At our store, we sell individual tea bags for fifty cents each. Free hot tap water and a foam cup come with each bag sold. One customer, a man in his thirties, has been coming in and buying a single bag of tea every Sunday for two years, but he never takes the water or the cup.)
Customer: “I’d like a refund of $50 please.”
Me: “We don’t sell anything that expensive.”
Customer: “Well, I bought 100 of those herbal mixes and they haven’t done a d*** thing.”
Me: “You mean the tea you buy every week?”
Customer: “No, the herbal mixes in the little yellow packets.”
Me: “Yes, that’s tea.”
Customer: “You mean it won’t make my man parts larger?”
Me: “No, it’s a beverage.”
Customer: “Oh. Never mind, then.”
(He leaves, disappointed. I never saw him again.)
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(Not So) Smooth Counterfeiting
(I am ringing up a customer when he hands me a 100 dollar bill.)
Me: “Alright, I just need to check it really quick.”
(I hold the bill up to the light.)
Customer: “It’s okay. I just printed it.”
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Blocks UV-A, UV-B, And Omega-3
(I am standing at the cash registers when a customer approaches me with two bottles of sunscreen.)
Customer: “Excuse me, could you tell me the difference between these two?”
(I explain to her they are different brands, different prices, and of different SPF.)
Customer: “Oh, okay. But is one of them fat free?”
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Casting The First Stone
(A customer comes through my check-out line looking agitated.)
Customer: “How dare you work on a sacred day of rest!”
Me: “Excuse me?”
Customer: “Today is Sunday! Why are you here? You should be in church, you blasphemous heathen! Why are you here?”
Me: “I’m working on Sunday because there are customers that want to buy groceries on Sundays.”
(The customer immediately shut up and didn’t speak for the rest of the time I rang up his groceries).
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Warning: IQ May Be Inversely Proportional To Wavelength
Guest: “Do you have a macrowave?”
Me: “You mean a microwave? It’s at the–”
Guest: “I don’t like your microwave. I need a macrowave.”
Me: “There’s no such thing as a macrowave.”
Guest: “Well, your microwave isn’t heating my food fast enough. I want a macrowave instead!”
Me: “Sorry, but it’s a standard microwave. Perhaps you can check if you have it on a low setting?”
Guest: “What?”
Me: “There’s should a dial going from from low to high under the timer dial.”
Guest: “It’s on low.”
Me: “Change it to high.”
Guest: “So, it’s macrowaves now?”
Me: “No, but your food will now heat faster.”
Guest: “Are you sure?”
Me: “Yes. Ring us again if there’s a problem.”
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My Tin Foil Hat Must Be Broken
(I am helping a woman out with her cellphone. The internet isn’t working properly.)
Me: “I see the problem. Data wasn’t enabled in the settings.”
Customer: “Oh, so it wasn’t Al Qaeda stealing my signal?”
Me: “Haha, no, ma’am.”
Customer: “They’re everywhere, you know!”