You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are
actually either male or female. Here are some examples:
FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in, but you
can see right through them.
PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off, it takes a
while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device
if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push
the wrong buttons.
TIRES: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over
inflated.
HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object, because to get them to go
anywhere, you have to light a fire under their arse.
SPONGES: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain
water.
WEB PAGES: Female, because they're constantly being looked at and
frequently getting hit on.
TRAINS: Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for
picking up people.
EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight
shifts to the bottom.
HAMMERS: Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed
at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.
THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would
be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be
lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push,
he just keeps trying.
LOST IN THE DARNDEST PLACES:
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car
has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake
pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.
The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."
A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She
got in the back-seat by mistake."
FAMILY
Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night
the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to
the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94-year-old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She
starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?"
The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to
her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that
forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as
soon as I see who's at the door."
"I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine
March day.
One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"
"No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday."
And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."
LITTLE LADY:
A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As
she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex."
She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him,
she said, "Supersex."
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the
soup."
OLD FRIENDS:
Now this one is just too Precious !
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years,
they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities
had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they
were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad
at me .. I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of
your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me
what your name is."
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and
glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
SENIOR DRIVING
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I
just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate
77. Please be careful!"
"Heck," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
DRIVING
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see
over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection.
The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the
passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just
went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through.
The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red
but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the
next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through.
So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just
ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, crap, am I driving ?"