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What are you waiting for?

I’m not writing this for a pity party – I’m writing it because I just need to get it all out. So if you don't want to read it - stop right now and don't leave me a comment to pacify me - and don't talk about what a pathetic human being I am behind my back - everyone has emotions and everyone needs to express them. - it's my life, don't like it, don't read it! I'm just so tired of the tears...and never being "ENOUGH"...never good ENOUGH, smart ENOUGH, pretty ENOUGH, thin ENOUGH...even if I had the ability to reach perfection...I don't think even then I'd be "ENOUGH" here's the deal...if it's true love...it's not because of looks, or money, or social status...it's all about the heart. Sometimes, as in my situation, my sole purpose is to feel needed. I give 110% with each and every person I meet...unfortunately, most of them take 150% and run and leave me hanging. Yet, I continue to love and care because it gives me a sense of purpose. I've been walked on, stomped on, spat upon, and basically drug through the dirt the last few years, but I kept on loving, kept on trusting, kept on believing that I could make a difference. If I could just be that someone special to one person, I was doing ok. I thought I had...for 2 years, I thought I had that one in a million friendship...I gave my all to it - loved unconditionally without holding back...and now, it's gone - in an instant, it was ripped from me - and it hurts like hell! My heart is breaking, the tears won't stop... Hell – for 18 years, I gave my all to another relationship and only wound up getting hurt – emotionally, mentally, sexually, physically…that is one relationship I can move forward from – I’ve made peace with the fact that I am better off. But then, to have the sun ripped from my sky without a true explanation – well that’s just tougher to deal with. What’s so wrong with being friends? With sharing your thoughts and feelings and ideas – being able to be yourself without the other person continually ragging on you about something you did or said or didn’t do or didn’t say. Why is it so hard to just admit that sometimes those friendships are what matter most? Instead – it’s apparently just so easy for some people to walk away from it and never look back. To never wonder if they made the right choice – to never wonder how the other person’s heart must be faring from the whole ordeal. Is it really just that simple? To just walk away without another thought of the person you shared so much with? It isn’t for me – I can tell you that much! So why do we love? For many of us, it's just in our nature, and there's not a damn thing we can do about it. I've learned that you can give and give and give of yourself...try to be the best that you can be for yourself and everyone around you and still get completely shit on because you're still not ENOUGH. I've been hurt so deeply...on so many different levels - I don't know if I will ever know how to trust again. I’m losing the will to try anymore – maybe I’m just destined to a lifetime of broken hearts and loneliness. I’ve never asked for anything in return but a little bit of respect and friendship. I would never ask anyone to give up anything for me, just be yourself because I love you for who you are. What hurts the most is being played for a fool. Giving so much of myself, expecting nothing in return, and being left to pick up the pieces on my own – it hurts. It seems to be a pattern that I keep falling into – the people I love the most are the ones that hurt me the deepest. I can understand why some people just close off their hearts and stop trusting, stop believing in the good in people. But that’s just not me – I continue to give chances, continue to be hurt, continue to continue. I’ve been there countless times, sacrificing so much to be the best friend I thought I could be – but how many times has that been returned? I don’t go into friendships wondering what I can get out of them – but some people do – and once they have gotten all that they think they need – they move on. Forgetting that they’re dealing with another human’s emotions. How fair is that? No matter how hard you try – you just can’t please anyone, so why bother trying anymore? When I’ve thought I had nothing left to give – I found it, somehow, somewhere – and still – it bit me in the ass. Time and time again – you would think I’d learn and become hardened. Instead, I spend quite a few hours late at night crying for the loss I feel deep inside. I always “preach” about not letting a moment pass you by – carpe diem – that was always my motto…but when it came down to the real me, becoming vulnerable with my emotions and thoughts, I hid – once again, I hid. And now, all the times I’ve told people not to hide so they don’t have regrets – now I’m the one with the regrets. I guess not being honest about how I feel for fear of losing the people closest to me ends up being wrong anyway – because eventually they all walk away, no matter what you’ve disclosed to them. Will I love again? I'm sure that someday I will - it's part of my nature...will I ever stop loving this person who so recently has hurt me so deeply? Not in a million years! Sometimes, it just feels right - and there's nothing you can do to stop it. RASCAL FLATTS - What Hurts The Most I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house That don't bother me I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while Even though going on with you gone still upsets me There are days every now and again I pretend I'm ok But that's not what gets me What hurts the most Was being so close And having so much to say And watching you walk away And never knowing What could have been And not seeing that loving you Is what I was tryin' to do It's hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go But I'm doin' It It's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I'm alone Still Harder Getting up, getting dressed, livin' with this regret But I know if I could do it over I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart That I left unspoken What hurts the most Is being so close And having so much to say And watching you walk away And never knowing What could have been And not seeing that loving you Is what I was trying to do What hurts the most Is being so close And having so much to say And watching you walk away And never knowing What could have been And not seeing that loving you Is what I was trying to do Not seeing that loving you That's what I was trying to do Ooohhh.... Miss You - Hate Regrets Can't Fight This Feeling REO Speedwagon I can't fight this feeling any longer And yet I'm still afraid to let it flow What started out as friendship has grown stronger I only wish I had the strength to let it show I tell myself that I can't hold out forever I said there is no reason for my fear 'Cause I feel so secure when we're together You give my life direction, you make everything so clear And even as I wander, I'm keeping you in sight You're a candle in the window On a cold, dark winter's night And I'm getting closer than I ever thought I might And I can't fight this feeling anymore I've forgotten what I started fighting for It's time to bring this ship into the shore And throw away the oars forever 'Cause I can't fight this feeling anymore I've forgotten what I started fighting for And if I have to crawl upon the floor, Come crashing through your door, Baby, I can't fight this feeling anymore My life has been such a whirlwind since I saw you I've been running around in circles in my mind And it always seems that I'm following you, girl, Cause you take me to the places that alone I'd never find And even as I wander, I'm keeping you in sight You're a candle in the window On a cold, dark winter's night And I'm getting closer than I ever thought I might And I can't fight this feeling anymore I've forgotten what I started fighting for It's time to bring this ship into the shore And throw away the oars forever 'Cause I can't fight this feeling anymore I've forgotten what I started fighting for And if I have to crawl upon the floor, Come crashing through your door, Baby, I can't fight this feeling anymore HEART BREAK Right Here Waiting For You Richard Marx Oceans apart day after day And I slowly go insane I hear your voice on the line But it doesn't stop the pain If I see you next to never How can we say forever Wherever you go Whatever you do I will be right here waiting for you Whatever it takes Or how my heart breaks I will be right here waiting for you I took for granted, all the times That I thought would last somehow I hear the laughter, I taste the tears But I can't get near you now Oh, can't you see it baby You've got me going crazy Wherever you go Whatever you do I will be right here waiting for you Whatever it takes Or how my heart breaks I will be right here waiting for you I wonder how we can survive This romance But in the end if I'm with you I'll take the chance Wherever you go Whatever you do I will be right here waiting for you Whatever it takes Or how my heart breaks I will be right here waiting for you Waiting for you Anyway ~ Martina McBride sometimes we just wait too long to make a difference or speak our hearts and then it's too late...stop waiting - just do it anyway, what have you got to lose? 1st Verse You can spend your whole life buildin' Somethin' from nothin' One storm can come and blow it all away Build it anyway 2nd Verse You can chase a dream That seems so outta reach And you know it might not ever come your way Dream it anyway Chorus God is great But sometimes life ain't good And when I pray It doesn't always turn out like I think it should But I do it anyway (Yeah) I do it anyway (yeah, yeah) 3rd Verse This world's gone crazy And it's hard to believe That tomorrow will be better than today Believe it anyway 4th Verse You can love someone with all your heart For all the right reasons And in a moment they can choose to walk away Love 'em anyway (Repeat Chorus) 5th Verse You can pour your soul out singin' A song you believe in That tomorrow they'll forget you ever sang Sing it anyway Yeah, sing it anyway, yeah yeah Tag I sing I dream I love anyway, yeah Gone by Kai Bluish gray, Suns don't rise, Bathing deep in stolen dreams from borrowed times, The morning breaks to vacant signs of you. The shallow pools, As if the tears were mine, Shade the waves' reflections left behind, I search my faith to never find a clue. And now you're gone, Somehow your're gone, You were my midnight, you were my dawn, You were my world, you were my song, You're everything i could depend on, But now all you are is gone... And I passed the blame, and it's passed the time, To cross my heart and walk across that line, Whose will is this, which poets lines pull at you? And now you're gone, Somehow your're gone, You were my midnight, you were my dawn, You were my world, you were my song, You're everything i could depend on, But now all you are is gone...
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