I’m not writing this for a pity party – I’m writing it because I just need to get it all out. So if you don't want to read it - stop right now and don't leave me a comment to pacify me - and don't talk about what a pathetic human being I am behind my back - everyone has emotions and everyone needs to express them. - it's my life, don't like it, don't read it!
I'm just so tired of the tears...and never being "ENOUGH"...never good ENOUGH, smart ENOUGH, pretty ENOUGH, thin ENOUGH...even if I had the ability to reach perfection...I don't think even then I'd be "ENOUGH"
here's the deal...if it's true love...it's not because of looks, or money, or social status...it's all about the heart. Sometimes, as in my situation, my sole purpose is to feel needed. I give 110% with each and every person I meet...unfortunately, most of them take 150% and run and leave me hanging. Yet, I continue to love and care because it gives me a sense of purpose.
I've been walked on, stomped on, spat upon, and basically drug through the dirt the last few years, but I kept on loving, kept on trusting, kept on believing that I could make a difference. If I could just be that someone special to one person, I was doing ok. I thought I had...for 2 years, I thought I had that one in a million friendship...I gave my all to it - loved unconditionally without holding back...and now, it's gone - in an instant, it was ripped from me - and it hurts like hell! My heart is breaking, the tears won't stop... Hell – for 18 years, I gave my all to another relationship and only wound up getting hurt – emotionally, mentally, sexually, physically…that is one relationship I can move forward from – I’ve made peace with the fact that I am better off.
But then, to have the sun ripped from my sky without a true explanation – well that’s just tougher to deal with. What’s so wrong with being friends? With sharing your thoughts and feelings and ideas – being able to be yourself without the other person continually ragging on you about something you did or said or didn’t do or didn’t say. Why is it so hard to just admit that sometimes those friendships are what matter most? Instead – it’s apparently just so easy for some people to walk away from it and never look back. To never wonder if they made the right choice – to never wonder how the other person’s heart must be faring from the whole ordeal. Is it really just that simple? To just walk away without another thought of the person you shared so much with? It isn’t for me – I can tell you that much!
So why do we love? For many of us, it's just in our nature, and there's not a damn thing we can do about it.
I've learned that you can give and give and give of yourself...try to be the best that you can be for yourself and everyone around you and still get completely shit on because you're still not ENOUGH.
I've been hurt so deeply...on so many different levels - I don't know if I will ever know how to trust again. I’m losing the will to try anymore – maybe I’m just destined to a lifetime of broken hearts and loneliness.
I’ve never asked for anything in return but a little bit of respect and friendship. I would never ask anyone to give up anything for me, just be yourself because I love you for who you are. What hurts the most is being played for a fool. Giving so much of myself, expecting nothing in return, and being left to pick up the pieces on my own – it hurts. It seems to be a pattern that I keep falling into – the people I love the most are the ones that hurt me the deepest. I can understand why some people just close off their hearts and stop trusting, stop believing in the good in people. But that’s just not me – I continue to give chances, continue to be hurt, continue to continue.
I’ve been there countless times, sacrificing so much to be the best friend I thought I could be – but how many times has that been returned? I don’t go into friendships wondering what I can get out of them – but some people do – and once they have gotten all that they think they need – they move on. Forgetting that they’re dealing with another human’s emotions. How fair is that? No matter how hard you try – you just can’t please anyone, so why bother trying anymore? When I’ve thought I had nothing left to give – I found it, somehow, somewhere – and still – it bit me in the ass. Time and time again – you would think I’d learn and become hardened. Instead, I spend quite a few hours late at night crying for the loss I feel deep inside.
I always “preach” about not letting a moment pass you by – carpe diem – that was always my motto…but when it came down to the real me, becoming vulnerable with my emotions and thoughts, I hid – once again, I hid. And now, all the times I’ve told people not to hide so they don’t have regrets – now I’m the one with the regrets. I guess not being honest about how I feel for fear of losing the people closest to me ends up being wrong anyway – because eventually they all walk away, no matter what you’ve disclosed to them.
Will I love again? I'm sure that someday I will - it's part of my nature...will I ever stop loving this person who so recently has hurt me so deeply? Not in a million years! Sometimes, it just feels right - and there's nothing you can do to stop it.
RASCAL FLATTS - What Hurts The Most
I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That don't bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out
I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while
Even though going on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again I pretend I'm ok
But that's not what gets me
What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was tryin' to do
It's hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go
But I'm doin' It
It's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I'm alone
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin' with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken
What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do
What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do
Not seeing that loving you
That's what I was trying to do
Ooohhh....
Miss You - Hate Regrets
Can't Fight This Feeling
REO Speedwagon
I can't fight this feeling any longer
And yet I'm still afraid to let it flow
What started out as friendship has grown stronger
I only wish I had the strength to let it show
I tell myself that I can't hold out forever
I said there is no reason for my fear
'Cause I feel so secure when we're together
You give my life direction, you make everything so clear
And even as I wander,
I'm keeping you in sight
You're a candle in the window
On a cold, dark winter's night
And I'm getting closer than I ever thought I might
And I can't fight this feeling anymore
I've forgotten what I started fighting for
It's time to bring this ship into the shore
And throw away the oars forever
'Cause I can't fight this feeling anymore
I've forgotten what I started fighting for
And if I have to crawl upon the floor,
Come crashing through your door,
Baby, I can't fight this feeling anymore
My life has been such a whirlwind since I saw you
I've been running around in circles in my mind
And it always seems that I'm following you, girl,
Cause you take me to the places that alone I'd never find
And even as I wander,
I'm keeping you in sight
You're a candle in the window
On a cold, dark winter's night
And I'm getting closer than I ever thought I might
And I can't fight this feeling anymore
I've forgotten what I started fighting for
It's time to bring this ship into the shore
And throw away the oars forever
'Cause I can't fight this feeling anymore
I've forgotten what I started fighting for
And if I have to crawl upon the floor,
Come crashing through your door,
Baby, I can't fight this feeling anymore
HEART BREAK
Right Here Waiting For You
Richard Marx Oceans apart day after day
And I slowly go insane
I hear your voice on the line
But it doesn't stop the pain
If I see you next to never
How can we say forever
Wherever you go
Whatever you do
I will be right here waiting for you
Whatever it takes
Or how my heart breaks
I will be right here waiting for you
I took for granted, all the times
That I thought would last somehow
I hear the laughter, I taste the tears
But I can't get near you now
Oh, can't you see it baby
You've got me going crazy
Wherever you go
Whatever you do
I will be right here waiting for you
Whatever it takes
Or how my heart breaks
I will be right here waiting for you
I wonder how we can survive
This romance
But in the end if I'm with you
I'll take the chance
Wherever you go
Whatever you do
I will be right here waiting for you
Whatever it takes
Or how my heart breaks
I will be right here waiting for you
Waiting for you
Anyway ~ Martina McBride
sometimes we just wait too long to make a difference or speak our hearts and then it's too late...stop waiting - just do it anyway, what have you got to lose?
1st Verse
You can spend your whole life buildin'
Somethin' from nothin'
One storm can come and blow it all away
Build it anyway
2nd Verse
You can chase a dream
That seems so outta reach
And you know it might not ever come your way
Dream it anyway
Chorus
God is great
But sometimes life ain't good
And when I pray
It doesn't always turn out like I think it should
But I do it anyway
(Yeah) I do it anyway (yeah, yeah)
3rd Verse
This world's gone crazy
And it's hard to believe
That tomorrow will be better than today
Believe it anyway
4th Verse
You can love someone with all your heart
For all the right reasons
And in a moment they can choose to walk away
Love 'em anyway
(Repeat Chorus)
5th Verse
You can pour your soul out singin'
A song you believe in
That tomorrow they'll forget you ever sang
Sing it anyway
Yeah, sing it anyway, yeah yeah
Tag
I sing
I dream
I love anyway, yeah
Gone by Kai
Bluish gray,
Suns don't rise,
Bathing deep in stolen dreams from borrowed times,
The morning breaks to vacant signs of you.
The shallow pools,
As if the tears were mine,
Shade the waves' reflections left behind,
I search my faith to never find a clue.
And now you're gone,
Somehow your're gone,
You were my midnight, you were my dawn,
You were my world, you were my song,
You're everything i could depend on,
But now all you are is gone...
And I passed the blame, and it's passed the time,
To cross my heart and walk across that line,
Whose will is this, which poets lines pull at you?
And now you're gone,
Somehow your're gone,
You were my midnight, you were my dawn,
You were my world, you were my song,
You're everything i could depend on,
But now all you are is gone...