There are some things a man will never change about a woman. But he can use these sneaky strategies to make the best of her worst traits
By: Sarah Miller
Sure, women can be fickle, but there are certain things you can rely on. We are much prettier than you are. We smell great, even on Saturday. If we find ourselves at a baby shower, we generally don't pass the time scouting out a quiet corner to shotgun a beer. Sadly, you can also rely on this: There are certain things we say and do that drive you out of your mind and that we have no inclination, or ability, to give up. It sounds a lot worse than it is. Just because we cling to our personal brand of insanity as if it were a black cashmere cardigan, in our size, with a cunning little packet of extra buttons, on sale at Saks, you don't always have to respond by futilely wrestling back. Our behavior will never change. So, the only thing left to do is to change your reaction to it. You'll be surprised how well it works, how little it hurts, and how much of your precious lifestyle stays fully intact. 1. We will never stop trying to get you to tell us how you feel
Why: You have feelings sometimes. And mostly, you feel like keeping them to yourself. Women, however, believe that all feelings, from tiny good ones ("Oh my God, I put the perfect amount of sugar in my coffee today!") to big, bad ones ("Sometimes I hate myself") deserve to make the miraculous journey from our mouths to your ears. We yearn for a similar emotional play-by-play from you.
What you've been doing: Naturally, you've looked deep into your soul for the words to describe your thoughts, feelings, and ideas. You've tried to string them all together with as much believable filler as possible, hoping that your true feelings -- frustration that you're not in bed, enjoying a Manhattan and CSI -- aren't too apparent.
What you should do: Chances are, if you're engaged in the process of "becoming more emotionally communicative," you've allowed this to take up a lot of space in the relationship. It's time to introduce a new concept entirely: Men should probably share their feelings a little more, but women need to share theirs less. The truth is, we're totally jealous of your stiff upper lips. We're embarrassed about our compulsion to run off to Camp Introspection with you, our friends, or perfect strangers. Take advantage of this. Next time she begs you to emote, instead of responding with guilt and a promise to open a vein and/or tear duct, say, "I think I'm just more comfortable weighing things in my own head than you are. Maybe I need less validation." She'll start to panic that there's something wrong with her. And because of the very nature of what she's panicking about, she'll do it quietly. Which means less chatter during CSI.
2. We will never stop freaking out if you don't call us the day after we have sex with you for the first time
Why: When it comes to sex, it's not customary for you to wrestle with mixed feelings. You got laid, and if there's a downside to this, it's entirely unclear what it could be. For women, however, the postsex meltdown is as crucial to the experience as the sex itself. A woman's number-one fear is being labeled a slut, and your prompt follow-up phone call is the event that will prove to her that she's not.
What you've been doing: Sometimes you call -- even if it's nerve-racking and not enjoyable. Sometimes you don't, which is not much fun for you either, thanks to the vague feeling of shame and confusion that gnaws at you all day long.
What you should do: E-mail a message of not less than three and no more than six sentences. If you write something really romantic or dirty (cute dirty, not dirty dirty -- "Thinking of you and that cute pink thong," say, as opposed to "Thinking of you and what's under your pink thong"), one sentence is sufficient. You can be blissfully evasive and properly respectful all at once. One of those rare opportunities in life when so little effort from you results in so much satisfaction for her.
3. We will never stop trying to change your appearance
Why: Your girlfriend likes you, but not nearly as much as she likes the image of what you would become if you'd sport the haircut, pants, and shoes of her choice. Furthermore, a small part of her seriously believes that in agreeing to be your girlfriend, she has earned a debt of gratitude you can repay only by becoming a human sacrifice at the Temple of the Eternal Makeover.
What you've been doing: Struggling to maintain individuality and control by refusing her advice. If the $7 barber and basic black shoes were good enough for your father and grandfather (and your mother and grandmother), they should be plenty good enough for you (and her), too.
What you should do: Start listening, and then start cleaning out your closet. Women are especially good at knowing which T-shirts look good on you and which ones make you look dumpy, too skinny, or too fat. A good way to approach letting her into your sartorial life is to go through your closet together and decide what's allowed to stay and what's going to that great Salvation Army in the sky. Next up: a strategic strike at the menswear shop. Please don't let this experience make you question your independence or manhood. Allowing your girlfriend to take control of your wardrobe is a brilliant tactical move with handsome rewards. She, operating on the very mistaken assumption that you care about clothes as much as she does, will subsequently assume that she now owes you decision-making power in areas that are way more important. So you might be wearing what she wants, but you won't even notice, because you'll be eating the food you like, watching the movies you like, and spending Saturdays playing paintball instead of wandering around Bed Bath & Beyond looking for periwinkle toilet-seat covers.
4. We will never stop demanding that you talk to us the second you walk in the door
Why: Both men and women have long days filled with annoying people, unfortunate accidents, and frustrating problems. The difference is that you rush home to forget this, while we rush home to discuss it.
What you've been doing: Trying to focus on our fascinating, detailed story of office betrayal. But you're so exhausted and in need of a mental vacation that you can't stop looking in the fridge, at the TV, and at the sports page, thereby failing miserably to listen to us and incurring our wrath.
What you should do: If you don't feel like talking to us at the end of the day, you have only one option. Hide. Go to a bar, drive to a park and sit on a swing, park your car a block from home and sit there staring into space. Don't even try coming home and saying, "I need a little time to myself right now," because if a woman can see you, she figures you're fair game for conversation.
5. We will never stop hounding you with the question "Did you ask your boss for time off yet?"
Why: To us, "Let's go on vacation" means "Let's book the thing tomorrow." To you, it means "Yes, I'd like to go on vacation . . . theoretically . . . when conditions in my career are totally perfect and I won't get in trouble for being away." This question really means "Did you grow some balls today?"
What you've been doing: Avoiding asking your boss, and avoiding answering us by giving us reasons why you're waiting for the right time to ask.
What you should do: Men work too hard. And if you don't believe me, try counting on just one hand the number of them you know who've died of heart attacks. The next time your girlfriend/wife says she wants to go on vacation, ask yourself, realistically, when you can take off a few days or a week in the next 3 months. (If you can't, you might be in the wrong job.) Ask your boss for the time. Then go on vacation, like a normal person.
6. We will never stop expecting you to change our tires, replace fuses, or program the VCR
Why: All our lives, people have told us that we aren't good at mechanical things or math. A small percentage of us declared this notion sexist and went out and learned calculus and bought toolboxes. But most of us just said, "Fine, that stuff is totally boring anyway. We'll be at the pool."
What you've been doing: Programming the VCR, changing our tires, doing our income taxes, cleaning our pool. Thinking, at times angrily, Jeez, a monkey, even a girl monkey, could do this.
What you should do: Next time you start to feel like a put-upon hired hand, remind yourself that there are benefits to hoarding knowledge. The less we know about hardware, the more you seem like a genius for understanding it. More important, even if you did school us in basic mechanics, we'd always assume we were doing it wrong and ask lots of questions far more annoying than the job itself.
7. We will never stop being obsessed with our weight
Why: As you know, there is a great deal of societal pressure on women to be thin. It's also a lot easier to try to become thinner than it is to become funnier or smarter or get an entirely new face, so you can see why dieting's such an appealing hobby.
What you've been doing: Responding to the endless stream of weight-focused anxiety with, "No, you look the same as always," and then thinking to yourself, . . . except a little more like Shamu.
What you should do: Though we will never stop bitching about our weight, we might just stop bitching about it to you. Especially if you say something like, "I am sorry that you feel fat. As you can see, I haven't left you yet, so you can't be too terribly hideous. In the meantime, you should either take the necessary steps to remove that weight or never ever mention it to me again, lest I die of utter boredom." Then buy her a treadmill and tell her she's not allowed to talk until she actually believes she's thin.
Now, not all of this is totally accurate, and not all of us are like this - at all times - we have our moments, we're allowed, we're women!
