BJ's blog: "My various ramblings... thoughts... enjoy!!"

Disappointment, it's something that can be counted on. It will always be there in someone or something you do. Lost loves, lost games, lost friends. Lives cut to short by death, dreams dashed down by OTHER peoples' cold reality. Because of what they went through, because of their past experiences it can only the same for you. YOU can't break the mold, YOU can't be anything but what you come from or from what those around you are. We even do it to our own selves, let past experiences, past people, past history, we let it ALL get in the way. Some are even so completely tore up from what happened before they sabotage everything good that happens later. Recently someone knocked on my door and I was just as warm as I ever was. (He was puzzled, because in his mind he had done me wrong. In my mind he told me the truth and made a choice to do what was necessary for him to do what was right by his children and someone else he had made a promise to. He didn't have to be truthful, and most wouldn't have been, that to me takes a certain amount of courage most no longer posses.) He asked how I could be, why I was even speaking to him. The answer was simple enough, I loved him, before and even now. Simply because our time was done, the love didn't end. Maybe I'm odd because of that, but it's how I am, and while sometimes it makes things difficult emotionally, it's the way I want to stay. I share this because I tell you, no matter what happens love does NOT end. Infatuation fades, passion and desire sometimes fizzle, but love... it's constant and always there. People will come and go your entire life, you can choose to let the past constantly afflict and rust your future, or you can choose to love and be loved. To understand and know that just because it's time for a relationship to end or move in a different direction doesn't mean there isn't love. Hate is all the love you had for someone coming out in frustration and anger, because without one there isn't the other. In the end I'll choose to love, and I may never get it back in return, and that is perfectly fine, because I won't hold myself back, and I won't let my past get in my way, or anyone else's.

I am the Girl......... I'm the girl who will put her head on your shoulder, not because I'm sleepy, but because I want to be closer to you... I'm the girl who likes to be kissed in the rain, more than in an expensive restaurant... I'm the girl who says, "Okay, but you owe me..." jokingly. Not because I actually want something, but because it means I get to spend more time with you and I care... I'm the girl you can take absolutely anywhere and I will have fun because it means I am spending time with you... I'm the girl who is incredibly picky, but when I find someone I like I want to spend the whole night curled up in their arms... I'm the girl who never forgets all the sweet little things you do for me... I'm the girl who once I let you into my heart, there's always a place there with your name on it. And even if we spend time apart, I'm the girl who never forgets you.. I'm the girl who loves to end a hug with a kiss.. I'm the girl who you can talk to about anything.. I'm the girl who laughs at your jokes... I'm the girl who will brag about you to all of my friends... i'm the girl who will listen to you talk... I'm the girl who loves it when you hug me for no apparent reason... I'm the girl who loves it when you hug me from behind or kiss me on the cheek... I'm the girl who loves the feeling when you take me by the hand without saying a word... I'm the girl who loves you for you, and doesn't care what other people say about us...

BLAH! WHY must everything be so complicated.. somedays I consider myself so simple, and then there are times.. when I look back on a day like today and think.. "WTH??" How much more OFF could I be??" I probably won't make any sense to anyone who reads this, but that's ok... I'm writing it more for me than anything... I was reading over a few things, and came across this... my friend Angie wrote it to someone about me... and damnit, she has me pegged.. right on target... sensitive..sweet..what you see is what you get..no hidden agenda intelligent..family woman..strong christian bubbily.. follows her heart can be your lover and your best friend at the same time needs a guy who..loves her enough to let her get away with things but also keeps her in enough check.. doesnt have time to play games..and is a package deal children are number one and always will be but a good man will understand that and accept it I was asked some things today.. by someone I'm seriously interested in... he is intelligent, articulate, seemingly well rounded in various things... and even though he's incredibly handsome, I'd be attracted to him regardless of that.. because he got to me in other ways... I haven't known him long... in fact, I shouldn't be thinking about him as much as I do... It's rather insane how quickly you can become infatuated with someone.... how at random times of the day you can just think about the contour of their face... the smooth look of their lips... brightness of the color in their eyes.... it is purely innocent and it is sweet... and that's just me. Yet I find myself pushing... I don't even give it a chance, mostly because I have already made myself believe that it is all a joke, a game, I don't do internet love affairs... too much trust involved... at the same time, all I want to do is trust... back to my original point... even though it may not be smart... as he was asking me these things, I found myself wanting to trust him and I have absolutely no reason to. So I allow the defenses to come up. . . I say things I don't really mean... it IS all bullshit... I DO want the warm fuzzies... the sweetness... the affection... I need it, whether I want to believe it or not, I need it... I realize my issue is that I see that as a weakness.. my cryptonite... my downfall... if I let someone be affectionate... f I let someone touch me in that way, I know without a doubt they'll be able to touch me another way, and that makes me want to panic and run... and lately, I look at all the people I've run from... all the things I'm missing by playing indifference, by pretending things don't matter, when they really do. Here's the truth... I'm a horrible romantic, and little things get to me, lil notes left on the bathroom mirror in the steam . . . a cd with random songs made, simply because you wanted me to have something you liked. . . remembering the way I like my tea. . . knowing and seeing little things that most people miss, because you care enough to notice. . . at some point, I'm hoping someone will see through, and call me on all my bullshit... and love me for being the ordinary girl that I really am. . . who has favorite verses right out of the BIble. . . remembers random lines from poetry. . . knows that she was born in the wrong time period. . . loves people with everything she has while expecting nothing in return . . . cries at the stupidest things. . . smiles when everything is going horribly wrong. . . laughs from her gut. . . rolls around in the grass with her kids . . . sings whether people are listening or not. . . is jealous at times, (everyone has weaknesses) . . . can sting with her tounge without realizing it. . . works on the fruits of the spirit everyday. . . dances in the rain with the kids. . . and who doesn't care too much about who's watching. . . and who knows that someday, there will be someone who will make her feel like Christmas morning every morning for the rest ofher life, and that all she has to do is be patient and not jump when the wrong ones keep coming along... temporary isn't want I want. . . I'm too old for temporary. . . so no matter how long, I'll go on with things, and maybe one day permanent will come along. . . and he'll appreciate and love me for all my faults and failures as well as for all my strengths and gifts... when you love some one, even the things that annoy you, you find endearing. . . more later I'm sure...

I wrote this back in October... it was posted on myspace... not much has changed... so I left it the same... here ya go everyone! Alright, alright, here ya go, you wanna know what I want, here it is. Enough of you ask on a regular basis, so let me give you a rough draft. If I could create a man, here are some of the things I would want from him, for him, and him to be about. Just SOME of the things. First of all, someone who can stand on his own two feet. He doesn't have to be led around by anyone. He can stand up and make the decisions in a relationship, he is the LEADER of our house. Our "Comander in Chief" so to speak. That doesn't mean I can't have an opinion, and I can't speak my mind, or that he won't take into account my ideas and feelings, it means he makes the final decision, and I'll back it 100 percent. I want a provider. I am so traditional in my thinking about how relationships work. I'm so very old school, and so many men aren't anymore, so this will probably be my downfall, and why I'll be alone. It is a man's job to provide and take care of his family, it's a woman's job to take care of the home and nurture. This doesn't mean she can't help financially, but I refuse, I WILL not ever kill myself pulling double shifts and doing whatever I have to do while a man sits at home and plays FREAKING video games or whatever. We all say we want honesty, and I'm hear to tell you that's exactly what I want. Sometimes the truth can be hard to take, and even harder to tell. I have all the respect in the world for someone who can tell you how it is straight up without lying or sugar coating it. No this doesn't mean that you're an ass about it, there are tactful ways of saying negative things too! It is a MUST that whoever decides that he wants to get into a serious relationship with me KNOWS that my kids come first and that he's going to be there father in everyway but one. Right now they don't have one, as sad as that is I think it makes things easier too. He has to love them as if they were his own. This is not a task accomplished very easily. I guess this means he better have a big heart. There will be times in their lives where they scream, "YOU'RE NOT MY DAD!" or "I HATE YOU!" He has to realize no matter what they say or how hateful they may get in the moment, it's going to happen, and does happen with almost every child, whether they're yours by blood or not. I grew up in a VERY blended family, and I don't get why people get so hung up on the "step-child" thing. My sisters aren't my step-sisters, they are my SISTERS. I would LOVE to find someone who enjoys going to church as much as I do, and who understands that being a Christian doesn't mean that you're perfect, but that you try everyday to get to where you need to be faithfully. Church has become a big part of our daily lives and routine, I'd LOVE to share that with someone else. I want someone who's not afraid to dance in the rain, hold hands, or just grab a kiss in the middle of all his friends. He'll laugh with me whether we run out of gas, or fall off the bed in the middle of. . . you get the idea. . . I want to be able to just KNOW that he's there and always will be no matter what happens throughout our lives. I've seen enough married men doing things they shouldn't, and let me tell you, it makes a girl wonder if there are any men that don't do some of the things they do. I still have to have some hope though. I'll wrap this up by saying, I want someone who KNOWS and UNDERSTANDS just how much more important it is to LOVE the person you're with rather than BEING in love with them Love doesn't just happen to us. We become infatuated, crush on someone, and we call that love. So often we eventually get out of that stage, lose that RUSH of feelings and get bored. We ask ourselves, "what now??" Then we look for that rush with something or someone else. I don't want the temporary feelins of being in love, I want the permanancy of simply LOVING someone for the rest of my life. I'm so blessed to have so many friends I adore and love, now where's THE ONE?