BLAH! WHY must everything be so complicated.. somedays I consider myself so simple, and then there are times.. when I look back on a day like today and think.. "WTH??" How much more OFF could I be??" I probably won't make any sense to anyone who reads this, but that's ok... I'm writing it more for me than anything... I was reading over a few things, and came across this... my friend Angie wrote it to someone about me... and damnit, she has me pegged.. right on target...
sensitive..sweet..what you see is what you get..no hidden agenda intelligent..family woman..strong christian bubbily.. follows her heart can be your lover and your best friend at the same time needs a guy who..loves her enough to let her get away with things but also keeps her in enough check.. doesnt have time to play games..and is a package deal children are number one and always will be but a good man will understand that and accept it
I was asked some things today.. by someone I'm seriously interested in... he is intelligent, articulate, seemingly well rounded in various things... and even though he's incredibly handsome, I'd be attracted to him regardless of that.. because he got to me in other ways... I haven't known him long... in fact, I shouldn't be thinking about him as much as I do... It's rather insane how quickly you can become infatuated with someone.... how at random times of the day you can just think about the contour of their face... the smooth look of their lips... brightness of the color in their eyes.... it is purely innocent and it is sweet... and that's just me. Yet I find myself pushing... I don't even give it a chance, mostly because I have already made myself believe that it is all a joke, a game, I don't do internet love affairs... too much trust involved... at the same time, all I want to do is trust... back to my original point... even though it may not be smart... as he was asking me these things, I found myself wanting to trust him and I have absolutely no reason to. So I allow the defenses to come up. . . I say things I don't really mean... it IS all bullshit... I DO want the warm fuzzies... the sweetness... the affection... I need it, whether I want to believe it or not, I need it...
I realize my issue is that I see that as a weakness.. my cryptonite... my downfall... if I let someone be affectionate... f I let someone touch me in that way, I know without a doubt they'll be able to touch me another way, and that makes me want to panic and run... and lately, I look at all the people I've run from... all the things I'm missing by playing indifference, by pretending things don't matter, when they really do.
Here's the truth... I'm a horrible romantic, and little things get to me, lil notes left on the bathroom mirror in the steam . . . a cd with random songs made, simply because you wanted me to have something you liked. . . remembering the way I like my tea. . . knowing and seeing little things that most people miss, because you care enough to notice. . . at some point, I'm hoping someone will see through, and call me on all my bullshit... and love me for being the ordinary girl that I really am. . . who has favorite verses right out of the BIble. . . remembers random lines from poetry. . . knows that she was born in the wrong time period. . . loves people with everything she has while expecting nothing in return . . . cries at the stupidest things. . . smiles when everything is going horribly wrong. . . laughs from her gut. . . rolls around in the grass with her kids . . . sings whether people are listening or not. . . is jealous at times, (everyone has weaknesses) . . . can sting with her tounge without realizing it. . . works on the fruits of the spirit everyday. . . dances in the rain with the kids. . . and who doesn't care too much about who's watching. . . and who knows that someday, there will be someone who will make her feel like Christmas morning every morning for the rest ofher life, and that all she has to do is be patient and not jump when the wrong ones keep coming along... temporary isn't want I want. . . I'm too old for temporary. . . so no matter how long, I'll go on with things, and maybe one day permanent will come along. . . and he'll appreciate and love me for all my faults and failures as well as for all my strengths and gifts... when you love some one, even the things that annoy you, you find endearing. . . more later I'm sure...
