BJ's blog: "My various ramblings... thoughts... enjoy!!"

SO I'm up at 4 am this morning... part of that whole working out thing... which I still don't thuroughly enjoy but must be done... about 5 I come back to my computer and see my cousin has popped on and has this strange status... so I ask him whats up.... the gist of it is he's 38 years old, has been sperated more or less from his wife for 3 years... they've been together for 10 and he's just now realizing that she is THE ONE.... but he could have very well lost her.... She's still here in MO while he's been off in GA for the past few years making his big money.... during the time they've been seperated he's lived with two other women... which of course has chipped away at his wife's heart... these were ultimately just test for her... to see if she would finally let him go... in our family we learn at an early age that we aren't truly deserving of love... even tho his parents have always been together and he hasnt' been as exposed as the rest of us to certain things... it just goes to show you how your upbringing can really influence your life... and this morning he points it out to me... and says... look at you even... 3 years you've been single... granted your divorce wasn't by choice... but you can't tell me you haven't met anyone you could have loved in the past 3 years.... So I reflected... and I looked back really thinking about things... I have loved a few people and could have continued to let certain relationships evolve... but they would have fizzled for reasons.... and yeah I'll admit it, I'm scared to death to be loved like I should be... but I'd at least give it a try.... I just need someone who WANTS to hold my interest long enough and who's interest I want to hold for longer than a minute.... Once again I more than likely haven't made a lick of sense... just rambling... more reflections on the ewie love stuff later....

I'm sitting here... getting ready for work and I'm thinking man... some people.. they're just so shitty... some women... AND MEN, but this time I'm kind of focused on women... what they'll do.... well boys, let me tell you what I WON'T DO... I won't claim some undying love for you... I won't pretend to care if I really don't so you'll buy me things... I won't act like I like you and go shag someone else... I'm not going to give you thoughts of things we will eventually be.. only to crush you later... I'm straight up and honest about things... there's no false pretenses... and I'm not going to say you'll get something from me you really never will....once in a while things may get put off but I'll always come through... If you need a friend... someone to giggle and laugh with... maybe even have a heart to heart with.. I'm here.. but people... I'm not I WILL NOT sugar coat... or tell you you mean more to me than you do.... Just another rant from your favorite BJ....

Out of the blue he calls 22 months after nothing and he calls.... she sits silently as the tears stream down her cheeks... he may never know they're there. A little piece of her heart begins to ache... the piece that finds the familiar in his voice.... the nervous chuckle he does... and then he asks if she's ok... Just a shock to hear from you is all she claims... Unexpected is all... He replies and the conversation carries on... talk about the baby between them, the one he hasn't seen in 22 months... I thought you didn't want me around... I never said that.... You never responded back... You gave me an ultimatum... how could I? I didn't think you wanted her... (just like you didn't want me she thinks)... I never through away the little album you made me... or the toolbox you gave me... the tears come back a little the ache grows a little stronger... no don't feel that! She tells herself... and thinks about the cd he made that she has tucked away... You're the only one I've ever been with who is exactly what she claims to be... but I didn't think I was right for you... being with you... I always felt guilty... like I was never good enough... How did I make you feel that way?... it was never anything you did... it was just YOU... who you are how you are... you're almost perfect... and that's intimidating....

Ok, the stickies were so nuts today that I couldn't see any new regular bulletins.. so I now have my bulletins set to family only. If you have something you would like me to see, you're going to have to let me know in my shout, yahoo, or in a message.... The sad thing is that there were a few messages stickied 3 or 4 times... I'm not complaining... do what you want, just merely saying I can't see em if you aren't on my list now... hugs n smooches! ~BJ

It is really great to find out the only thing you're really good for is fucking... relationships are worthless at this point... cheers everyone.

In my life I often ask myself am I where I want to be, and to me that has always been such a moot point. Where I am, it's where I should be. I'll be content in that place because it is just what is meant to be in a moment. If you want something you work for it. If you think you want it, and you don't work for it, then obviously you didn't really want it did you? Marriages that fail, careers, college, whatever. We all constantly complain and feel sorry for ourselves. I listen to people always saying well, I wish I could, or I wanna. Why do you sit back and just watch the world move around you?? Get up and DO something!!!! You can not just sit there and wait for things to fall in your lap. Oh and ladies, before you get any brilliant ideas, I'm not talking about getting relationships. If a relationship is going to happen it will. So quit waisting your time waiting for mister perfect to come along. LIVE YOUR LIFE! Do what you WANT TO DO. I realize for some of you that may mean having a husband and kids and that is all you want to do, and that is great, that is a wonderful aspiration. In the meantime however; I IMPLORE you to make waves in your life. Take some random road trip JUST to eat at a resturant 15 hours away. Ask some randome man for coffee, JUST because. It doesn't HAVE to be a date. It's just time with another adult, because sometimes we hide behind our excuses way to much and way to often. Grab a friend and look up your nearest cave or historical site! Just GOOOO... find 15 minutes each day to call and compliment someone you don't talk to often. EVERYONE has something that they can be appreciated for. Step away from the computer, and get into LIFE. Stop making excuses.. kids, money, whatever... speaking of which grab tight and just hold them for at the very LEAST 5 minutes a day because this sweet life is way to short. If you aren't enjoying everyday, if you aren't looking forward to the next ask yourself WHY?? Don't be dissatisfied!! Do things you ENJOY, and may I suggest, find things that DO NOT cost money that you may enjoy... we (the world) holds too much value in things that cost... why? Joy shouldn't come from such things... Break out of your shell, burst the bubble you are in, get uncomfortable!!! Eventualy you will see that being uncomfortable isn't so horrid! In fact, by doing so, you may just meet some interesting people, or even one special one.... ok.. I'm done once again:D Hugs n kisses loves!! ~ME

So.. I've been a bit of a slacker... in previous years my tree would be up and out the day after Christmas... sadly last year I just could muster up the spirit to put it up... (this shames me but we weren't home anyhow)... so today I finally say DAMNIT I'm going to quit feeling blah and I'm going to put this damn tree up. First however... I have to dig it out of the shed.. which is out my backyard and down a hill... which generally wouldn't be worth mentioning normally.... So I pull on my shoes.... wrap myself in my columbia college hoody and head out the back door.... I breathe in that fresh cold air and notice everything is starting to melt away... cool I think this should be simple....until I take my first step.... and crunch... no big deal... the ice broke away and it's maybe a centimeter then... the grass is even still green beneath and I can see the ground... so I'm walking and I have to duck under the clothes line that I put up last summer... as the ground starts to curve I suddenly think to myself ... oh shit... this could definately get interesting... and my footing slips a little... I do that whole wobble weave and catch my balance... and start giggling.... and the more I slip the more I giggle... then I see people passing by starting to kind of watch as their vehicles role on and my giggle becomes a chuckle... anyone know how hard it is to keep your balance on ice while you havea full blown chuckle??? Not an easy feat mind you...but I (not so gracefully make it to the bottom of the hill). I hope the shed and (it hasn't been opened in two years)... somehow the Christmas tree which somehow is on TOP of the other things has opened up... so when I pull it off the top all the limbs fall out on my head... (and I'm cracking up, because I know damn well I put the tree in there and must not have taped it up well enough)... the rubbermaid ornament holder has been SMUSHED by other boxes and the lid is half off... so I grab the two things I need for right now... (swear that when it warms up I'm throwing everything in the shed away.. why do I still even have it?? I haven't opened the shed in TWO YEARS obviously that stuff isn't important.. I'm not even going through it, I'm just tossing it). Then I turn away from the shed and look... I have to make it back UP this icie hill without breaking my neck... this means NO LAUGHING.... do you know how hard that is?? To MAKE yourself not laugh?? Obviously I'm cracking up... so I put the tub on top of the box and lift... get my footing and start making it up the hill... SLIP!!! Whoaaaaaaa correct myself without falling on my face! (YAY GOOD SAVE!!!) I get all the way to the top of the hill !!! YES!!!! until I go to step from the ice to the concrete that is... I slip... toss the stuff in the air... and fall flat on my ass in the ice... (and I'm laughing so hard my neighbor comes out to look at me ... and she was caught between giggles and are you oks??) Anyhow... now i have to put the damn thing up!! SO there's my story.. it's more than likely one of those you had to be there moments... but I had to share!! Smiles, hugs, and lots of LOVE!!!!!! ~B

Every life has a story and I wanna know yours... doesn't mean that I love you just that I'm... curious I'm' not the type to hang on to I've got my road to travel along It's all set in motion even when it's going all wrong... Satisfy this need I have in our moment of trust... the intimacy factor isn't played out its definatly a must... you're throbbing I feel it .. that sweet release heart pounding so hard and in your eyes for a time I see peace so much troubles, many daemons, you can't let go they feast on the reason you can't find anymore Your essence is addictive more than the scent that will trail behind flavor and taste just what I expected to have... just what I had in mind come let me take you for a moment or two into this circus of mine all your worries slip away as you slip into the warmth that you sought a home to place your burdens generally buried deep I ache for a piece of you crave the touch you'll give in the absence there will be when you've gone away the moments and memories will be mine the tears will slip into time paths have crossed and perhaps they'll once again circle reality I grasp but the fantasy is always you strength is fading as I learn more and a piece of me suddenly became yours You never asked and I never intended to give accept or deny it is what it is I'll watch you move and stride away, I had you for a moment... in that moment I could fly...

I'm beebopping around today and when stuff it hits me I just kind of chuckle out loud and grin to my self... it's all bitter sweet and... Hmmm.... life's roads are just amusing...the thought to ponder... instead of growing from bad relationships... why do we let them keep us stagnant... allow them to have the control to hold us back and be so damn cautious.... JUST LOVE!!!!!!! Yeah sometimes crap hurts but you rejoice in all the goodness there was... in the fun silliness you had and the passionate moments... hold on to those and let the bad go... know better for next time... but don't go in thinking things are doomed to fail.... look at me... maybe I should follow my own damn advice... Somehow after my divorce I found myself again... the bits and pieces I left behind and lost for whatever reason... and I get to crushin on this guy and I throw up every defense I have... from faith, kids, to whatever, I become distant and pull away, and most of all I ASSUME he can't possibly feel the same .... because if I believe that... convince myself it's true... then I can't let go completely.... Thanks for tuning in again ya'll.... He's on here, but he'll never read this... I'm not even sure I want him to, but.... this damn song is almost perfect... Saving Jane - Come Down To Me Lyrics Words fall out of my mouth And I can’t seem to trace what I’m saying Everybody wants your time I’m just dreaming out loud, I can’t have you for mine and I know it I just wanna watch you shine. Tripping up on my tongue, It’s all over my face and I’m racing Gotta get away from you Burning all the way home, Try to put it to bed but it chases Every little thing I do When the light falls on your face, Don’t let it change you When the stars get in your eyes, Don’t let them blind you. [CHORUS] You’re beautiful Just the way you are And I love it all Every line, and every scar And I wish that I could make you see This is where you ought to be, Come down to me. Spell it out in a song, Bet you never catch on to my weakness I’m singing every word for you. Here I’m thinking I’m sly Then you’re catching my eye, and just maybe You’re thinking what I’m thinking too When you see it on my face, Don’t let it shake you I know better than to try and Take you with me.

Is there someone out there that can truly love all of you.... do you really love all of your lover? The light or heavey snoring in the night... the nibbling on the lip when they are concentrating or concerned... the procrastination of housework.... the obsession with sporting events... To me even the little things that are obnoxious are worth finding joy in... The aggrevating way he calls a million times throught the day... the almost OCD way he likes to recycle... the way she leaves the toothpaste open... how she takes the kids to the park instead of picking up your dry cleaning... how he loses his patience and has to walk away from the kids for a minute to regain his composure, so he takes a breathe before helping with that math homework again... they way she gets all weepy when you're away and call, she misses you more than you'll ever know... So many forget to enjoy the little things that annoy as well as the good things that we love... if you're going to love and enjoy someone.. shouldn't it be ALL of them? Why do we settle for people that don't enjoy or love all of us? Just rambling... love, hugs, and kisses for you all thanks for tuning in... :D