Stay's blog: "My thoughts"

I am stuck in a place in between reality and dreams.
I cannot seem to find a middle ground in which to lay roots.
Is there such a thing as to be lost completely too either realm?
I have pondered so much of this as I have sat on that imaginary fence of the two.
I can see the lives in which I live on either side and I wonder if the two could ever co-mingle with each other.
I have been where I thought I wanted to be in each instant and yet both have left me with my heart in pieces and bleeding upon the floor.
I see a life filled with such a love that eternity itself could not tarnish and a love forbidden from the beginning and yet it draws me in as though to show me that it can be a magical thing.
I close my eyes and imagine what it would be if my life could have just been eclipsed by yours.
If I could just wake up one morning and things would have all just fallen in place the way they should have been.
We should have never had to go through any of the tragedies that we have had to endure or that we ever placed upon each other, and yet here we are screaming to each other.
Screaming in a silent voice lost to the wind and constant wondering if the other is feeling, hurting, and pondering all that we are.
I could say that at that moment when in my life I felt a need to walk away that I just stopped loving you and yet I know that to not be the truth.
You knew me, you got everything about me, you heard me cry and tried to silence those tears, you were there when I fell and needed someone to help me up, and yet our lives could not just have eclipsed.
I can look in a mirror and see your smiling face and your eyes looking lovingly upon me and I turn away as though I have just seen nothing more than a ghost.
A ghost of what I know to be true in my heart of hearts, a ghost of a love brushed ever so smoothly under the rug of what we wanted at that moment, and a ghost of a man that I let go in order to just see what I thought I was missing out on.
They tend to say the grass is never greener on the other side and I know this to be the truth for I lived that saying.
Now I ask nothing more than for you to wait for me, to trust me, to fall again for me, and yet part of me knows that it is selfish of me to ask for that.
Just as in the song that tells so much of what I want and need to say, "When our hearts meet, will we make it, will we even notice that they are eclipsed?"
Because only you have been the one that I feel knows me from the inside out and gets me when even I don't get myself.
You and I we might be broken now but in time we will fit together just right all over again in the end…..

Staylee Dawn

I OPEN THE DOOR TO AN EMPTY HOUSE FULL OF ALL THE THINGS THAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN SAID, ALL THE THINGS THAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN DONE, AND FULL OF A LONLINESS THAT HOLDS ME WITHIN THE WALLS. I HAVE ADDED THINGS HERE AND THERE TO MAKE IT FEEL MORE OF HOME AND YET THE EMPTINESS OF WHAT IS NOT FILLS IT TO THE CEILING. WHILE I LIE AWAKE IN A BED FULL OF SHEETS AND PILLOWS STAINED WITH TEARS I STARE AT THE CEILING AND REMEMBER THE DAY THAT THIS HOME BECAME NOTHING MORE THAN A SHELL OF WOOD, BRICK, AND NAILS. WHAT AM I DOING? WHY DO I FEEL STUCK HERE? THERE IS NOTHING MORE LEFT TO SALVAGE BETWEEN THESE WALLS AND YET I FEEL COMPELLED TO STAY COMPELLED TO NOT WALK AWAY. EMOTIONAL AND PHYSICAL TIES TO NOTHING ANYMORE; WITHIN THE WALLS THERE IS ANGER, HATRED, AND A SCREAMING VOICE. I HAVE LOCKED THE DOORS BEHIND ME AND I KEEP SCREAMING FOR THE WALLS TO TAKE ME AWAY; TAKE THE PAIN, ANGER, AND HATRED FROM ME SO THAT MAYBE I CAN LIVE AGAIN.
I HEAR THE VOICES ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE DOORS, THE BANGING FOR ME TO LET THEM IN. A SHOUT OF THERES MORE TO LIFE THAN AN EMPTY HOUSE FULL OF ALL THE THINGS THAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN SAID, ALL THE THINGS THAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN DONE, AND FULL OF A LONLINESS DRAGGING ME DOWN. THEN OUT OF ALL THE SHOUTING VOICES I HEAR THE FAINTNESS OF TWO LONELY SOULS. THEY WHISPER, MOMMIE WE NEED YOU, WE MISS YOU, AND WE LOVE YOU MORE THAN ANYONE ELSE STANDING OR NOT STANDING HERE COME HOME. THERES A PLACE THAT WE WAIT FOR YOU TO COME FULL OF THINGS FOR YOU TO HEAR, SO MANY THINGS FOR US TO DO, AND FULL OF A HAPPINESS AND LOVE LIKE NO OTHER. PLEASE MOMMIE WE ARE HERE AND WE LONG FOR YOU TO COME WITH US. MUSTERING THE COURAGE TO STAND AND SCREAM NO MORE, NO LONGER WILL I SIT IN AN EMPTY HOUSE WITH THE DOORS SHUT BEHIND ME. I LOVE AND MISS YOU BUT I HAVE TO GO THERE IS SO MUCH MORE THAT I HAVE TO BE AND SO MUCH MORE THAT I NEED TO HAVE THAN JUST AN EMPTY HOUSE TO SWALLOW MY SOUL. I HAVE THE POWER TO WALK OUT OF THIS PLACE AND A POWER I TAKE TO BUST DOWN THE DOORS WHERE IN A FLASH ALL THAT I SEE ARE THE ANGELIC FACES OF THE LIFE I GAVE. TWO FACES AMIDST A CROWD OF PEOPLE THAT ARE FULL OF LOVE FOR ME AND TWO FACES OF THE ONLY THINGS THAT MATTER IN MY LIFE. I WHISPER, MOMMIES HERE AND I AM READY PLEASE TAKE ME TO THE PLACE THAT I HAVE LONGED FOR ALL ALONG. I LOVE YOU. WITH HANDS IN HAND I AM SAVED BY THE ONLY TWO ANGELS I HAVE GIVEN LIFE TO AND IN THEIR LOVE SO STRONG.I AM HOME.

Staylee Dawn

I AM FALLING TO PIECES, MY MIND IS LOST IN THIS THOUGHT AND IT'S EATING ME ALIVE FROM THE INSIDE OUT. I CAN'T GET BACK TO WHERE I KNOW I NEED TO BE. I AM A LOST SOUL LOOKING FOR THE LIGHT THAT WILL LEAD ME TO THE REALITY THAT IS BEFORE ME. YOU TAKE MY HAND IF ONLY FOR THE MOMENT TO LEAD ME TO THE LIFE I LIVE. YET I WANT TO STAND THERE HOLDING YOUR HAND; NEVER TO LET GO OF THE MOMENT IN WHICH I FEEL YOU ARE MINE. A GLANCE, A WHISPER, AND THEN YOUR GONE AND I STAND RIGHT OUTSIDE THE LIFE THAT IS MY OWN. CURLED INTO A BALL, LYING ON THE GROUND THE TEARS FLOW FREELY NOW. I CAN HEAR YOUR VOICE IN MY HEAD SAYING, "DON'T GIVE INTO THE DEPRESSION WHICH LOOKS TO CONSUME YOU. YOU MY LOVE CAN BE BETTER THAN THAT." IT IS WORDS I KNOW ARE TRUE AND YET I FIND MYSELF STILL FEELING LOST IN THE MIDDLE OF AN INVISIBLE LINE BETWEEN REALITY AND MY DREAMS. THE REALITY IS LONELY AND MY DREAMS ARE SO FAR FETCHED THAT I AM LOSING MY MIND BETWEEN THE TWO. I AM SCARED FOR FEAR IF I GIVE UP THE DREAMS TO THE REALITY I WILL LOSE IT COMPLETELY. SO I LAY THERE LISTENING TO YOUR VOICE IN MY HEAD OVER AND OVER AGAIN, FOR I HAVE ALREADY FALLEN TO PIECES AND THE TEARS THAT FALL JUST GO TO SHOW THAT I AM COMPLETELY LOST TO EITHER REALM. PLEASE HELP ME FIND MY WAY BACK TO THAT MOMENT WHERE THE LONLINESS IS GONE AND THE HAPPINESS SOOTHES MY SOUL. HOLD MY HAND AGAIN…….

STAYLEE DAWN