Oktob3RR4iN's blog: "My thoughts for today"

OK so I am having a bad day...I have only felt like sleeping all day and doing nothing else. Yea so who cares I know. Yea we all have those days when you just don't care to do anything at all. Your day is just not what you expected or its just you want it to hurry up and get over with. Well thats been mine all day. I havent even answered my cellphone today which is very unlike me. I could care less who it is unless its my 2 boys. So whenever this little rut of utter misery and sadness is over I will back to normal and back to me again. I so need a vacation. I really do. I think being stuck here near my drama zoned out family 24/7 is getting to me. Yea I dont live with them but they all live here on the same street. Can't wait to get outta here....Thank god I am moving soon....

Ok maybe I am having a bad day,week,month year or something.....I'm just wanting to escape for even if a brief moment from my so-called crazy ass,screwed up,messed up life. I feel lost in a sea of misery that just doesn't seem to stop flowing. My pain is far more and deeper than anyone will ever know. I have had so much go on and it just never seems to stop. I can't seem to break away from this cycle of misery,destruction,let down,confusion....I am at a point of going crazy and almost feel like I am about to lose my mind. The need for escape is essential and much needed before terminal breakdown occurs. I know its coming but to stop it before it occurs must come quickly. My need for sanity is like breathing at this point I need to breathe but feel like I am being suffocated slowly. Sweet surrender would be quite painless but in the end more pain from somewhere else and far more essential to the point of no return. I try to take a step back and think of what I have done wrong to screw this up even far more than it possibly could be and its like I see nothing but darkness, a cloud of fog like nothing is there. My life less remembered or unseen. I can't seem to see through it all and much less remember where it all has gone. Am I losing my mind or just at a breaking point. Only time will tell and only time will decide my fate.

The one person that I feel close to and yet so far away does it again. No matter what just for any reason he gets to me in every way when nobody else can. But yet when it comes down to it I almost want to back away but can't. A person that was always there for me and yet still is just walks in all the time,picks up the pieces of a yet broken life and somehow tends to put the pieces together and make it seem so simple. In my so whacked out,crazy,messed up life that has been dragging me down for years now he seems to just make it seem like its been this weird dream I have had. Thats its all been this made up life I have had and now its time to escape and get back to the real world. I know I spoke with someone just last night and they wondered why I was making up excuses as to why I am still stuck in this utter misery I am in and not making myself happy for once. Well hey if it was easy I would have the things the way I want already. It seems like something is always tieing me to my life now and yet there really is nothing. Well besides my car being in the shop and having no way to go anywhere. I just feel lost in this weird forsaken world of mine with little chance of escape it seems. I want to and yet something stops me. I need my sanity for once....I need to breathe and to live once again and find me for once.

OK yesterday someone that has been a big part of my life and well always will be tells me something unexpected. That he can never love,or give his heart away. The one woman that he feels would steal his heart for good scares him. The one that has been there and gone but still there. At this point I was wondering what he was talking about and who. I just kept listening of course as I tend to do. Finally he asked me who I thought he was talking about. Well of course I couldn't answer cause I wasn't sure...Well he lets me know its me. That one person thats been in his life for at least 15 years now. That no matter for what reason,or whatever time it is fine to call. At this point I am just stunned and having no idea what to say.I have no idea what to say or how to feel about that. I have been hurt enough and it hasn't quite ended just yet. I'm already in the middle of getting away from another bad relationship. My heart will be locked away for a very long time because it can't take anymore. I want to be loved but without the pain..I know that is almost impossible at any point. But it will take alot to touch my heart. I still really have no idea what to say about the situation or even how to feel about it. I mean I already know we have chemistry because we cannot be near each other too long..Things will happen no matter how we feel. I just don't want that. I want to be loved unconditionally and feel it....

Ok for those who actually read these things and pay attention. I just wanted to let you all know that I won't be on here as much. I just started working and will be concentrating on that more than anything else. With me just graduating I want to get in all the experience I can absorb..lol I just hope that my friends will understand that I will miss you all and will do my best to keep in touch as much as possible. Well take care and have a good one....

OK I just wanted to let my friends, family and whoever else know whats going on. Well for one if you don't really see me reposting bulletins, or posting some of my own don't worry. I have been very busy lately with lots of different things going on. Even though CT may show me online doesn't mean I am always right here at my computer. I have been working on my research paper for Forensics class which has been consuming alot of my time. Also I have 2 weeks left before I will be finished completely with school. YEAAAAAA!!!!! Anyways other than that I have been on the phone at least everyday since my son had his motorcycle accident to keep up with what is going on with him...And on that well he is healing well and seems to be handling the pain very well. He keeps begging his dad daily to let him get back on the bike. At least hes not afraid...Thats my little fighter there(not afraid of anything)...My other son that went through a terrible tragedy before they left he is doing better in dealing with things. He still has nightmares and at times cannot sleep at night. But it takes time to recover. ANyways... I just wanted to let you all know I am still around and I do check up on here from time to time....Just all this I have going on takes alot from me and its also very tiring. So everyone take care and have a great day....

Ok well here it is...Yes my youngest son was in a motorcycle wreck the other day and it upset me very much. Well believe it or not yes he is burned pretty bad. But I now can tell he lets nothing at all stop him and hes alllll boy 100%... His dad told me that the first thing he asked the next morning was when he could get back on it. So at least I know he's not afraid to jump back on and try again. He did let me know that next time he would do what he can to be alot more careful. I am just glad that hes ok....

Yea I know I just posted a blog but hell couldn't help it cause right now my thoughts are going crazy. Its like you can go from at least somewhat normal to all of a sudden feeling down and nothing else matters. For one I miss my boys very much. I love them with all my heart. I mean its been hard enough for me to know what my oldest child went through the last day of school and the reason he can't be here right now. Then tonight my youngest gets in a motorcycle wreck and then that just makes me feel even worse. I swear my mind is going in so many different directions right now. Being a mom is hard, and I know from being around my hubby that so is being a dad. Just being parents period....You have to worry about your kids 24/7. Me I have always I guess you could say in a big way sheltered my boys but I love them enough to so what it takes to protect them in every way I know how. I know I can't protect them from everything. I am just writing this so I can maybe get some sleep tonight but I don't think that is going to happen. My boys are my life and I live it for them. I know my son will be ok and I know my oldest son will be doing better with time for what hes going through. I just hate that they are so far away and I can't physically hold them and tell them it will all be ok. I know some of you who may read this and think omg this woman is insane. Well no I am a very over-protective, loving mother. I will do what it takes to make my children happy. They are my heart and my soul and no other man can take that place in my heart. My two little men always have my heart. Well I know my babies will be ok...And I know I have blabbed long enough...But I am tired and going to bed at least for what little bit I will be able to sleep....

Ok well for those who know me really well on here know that my boys are gone right now at their dads. Well earlier I get a phone call that was pretty upsetting. My baby boy who is 12 was taken to the hospital. He is 12 and his dad had bought a 110 motorbike. Well while their dad was working my 12 yr old got in a wreck on it. His stepmom had to take him to the hospital and then I was called. My son has a really bad 2nd degree burn and may have to have a skin graph because of it. His arm underneath from his armpit to his elbow when he fell landed on the muffler. I am feeling so sick right now cause my baby is hurt and hes miles and miles away. There is nothing I can do for him. I just want to hold him and take away his pain. I do know that if his dad calls and tells me they have to do a skin graph that I will be headed to South Carolina. I just feel bad and so does his stepdad because there is nothing we can do from here....I will keep updates as much as possible ....thanks for listening....