Oktob3RR4iN's blog: "Love and relationships"

Well I have found that someone that I have been looking for and I am happier than I have ever been. I couldn't ask for anything better. I love him with all my heart and even though there are people who don't understand well I could care less. We know what we have and what it will take to make it. Its just all new and something to work for even better. I have never felt like I do now about anyone and I love the feeling. He makes me happy and I know I want to spend the rest of my life with him. What can I say besides he makes me happy.

Well I know some of you who actually care will read this and those who don't will just maybe guess where the hell I have disappeared to....Well about 2 weeks ago I took a trip out of town and took my youngest son to his father and spent time with my oldest. Well I came home and had a very long talk with my hubby. We decided that the best thing since we are so terribly miserable is to get divorced. Something we have been discussing for awhile now but haven't taken those extra few steps towards anything. Well now I am at that turning point in my relationship. He said he would make sure my car is fixed and then we are parting ways. So I just want everyone to bare with me through this and I will be here as much as I can. I hate being away and not having contact with everyone but hey I have to do what I have to at this time. Don't worry I am not upset or depressed...I actually am better and my mind is clear. If you have my cell please feel free to text me...or call after 9pm and weekends...Yea free nights and weekends(unless you have at&t then its free always)...If you want to talk and dont have my number leave me a msg and next time I get on here I'll make sure I send it to ya...Well take care and talk to everyone soon.....Becca(aka Raven)

This time I won't cry or feel bad or even for one moment look back and wonder if things would be different if I just try a little bit more. I have been through alot and way too much to have my heart ripped open again. I have way too much going for me at this point and I will not let nothing or nobody stop me from accomplishing my goal. I hold my head high and walk away with my my sanity in tact. I won't give my heart away to easily the next time. My heart would be locked away and it would take alot to touch it.I don't really compare what I want to anyone. I know what I do want and that well if you want my heart you will have to give it all or nothing. So for now and till that day my heart is locked away for a good long while. Because it will be a long time before anyone can open that lock. I love my boys and just want them to be happy. They also want me(their mom) to be happy. I have been through 2 very complicated marriages and not ready for another one. Thats just not gonna happen. So for now just be my friend.....

These tears fall because I have loved and been loved. My tears I try to fight back so that no one will see me cry. My tears regardless fall unwillingly down my face. I hold on to a thought of you, I hang on to that one moment of happiness beyond all things. Happiness is not forever and my tears shall fall for now. My heart is open, my heart is taken. My tears are uncontrolled and beyond being stopped.I dont want you to be sorry, I dont want you to apologize. I only want for you to hold me and wipe my tears away. I only want to stop them from falling and the hurt to stop that my heart feels. I only want to crawl into your arms and stay there forever.I understand, I have been there too, I have once been mistaken, I have once been misunderstood. My love my heart my tears are forever yours.

When he can say I am beautiful and I feel that im not than hes the best. When he wipes away my tears, pulls me close and tells me it will all be ok, he is truly a man. When he stands up for me and protects me even if I dont need it well hes an even better man. When no matter how bad his day has been, he comes home, drops everything so he can wrap his arms around me and kiss me deeply I can so appreciate every second of it.When he is not afraid of what others think because he confesses his love for me in public well I can even love that because I know he means it. When he holds my hand as we walk on the beach together than he really understands the peacefullness it brings to my life. When he can just sit and talk to me for hours without getting annoyed than I know he truly cares. When I am more important than some game,race or something on the tv than I know he cares more for me than all of that. When I watch him sleep and he is very peaceful and beautiful I know that he is happy. I want to make you happy I want to know your dreams, each and everyone of them. I want to share all of mine. A man who can open his heart and share it with that one he knows will love him back should be well worth be taken care of in everyway. Because making him happy means making me happy.Together a wonderful beautiful love takes place that can't be replaced with anything else.

I believe in a relationship that is more than just sex. I mean don't get me wrong that's great too. I just want that special touch,that place that is the hardest to reach, the hardest to touch, but the easiest to break. I want you to touch my heart. If you start out in the beginning as a pure whole hearted romantic who brings me flowers just for no reason at all then please keep it up because it makes me feel good and lets me know you are thinking of me. I love it when we walk on the beach really close to the water or even just sit in the sand, run our toes in the sand and just talk about really nothing that makes any sense to anyone but us. I love those times of breakfast in bed just because you felt like doing something special. The little notes that you leave in all those places that you know will be one of the first places I go or look well that is just awesome because it shows you pay attention to my daily routine. I love it when we dance together whether with or without any music at all because believe me baby we can make lots of our own. I even loved it when we grabbed a blanket went outside to lay under the stars just to see the beautiful starlight sky as you whispered in my ear that the brightest star wasn't in the sky it could only be found in my eyes. I loved it when we went to that restaurant and theres music playing and just because you felt like it grabbed my hand and wanted to dance regardless of everyone else....Every little romantic thing you do I love and I just hope that it will go on forever. Because I would for you, I would make you so very happy beyond all things that you would feel like you are in heaven everyday of the year. You are my heart, my world, my life.

I will hold you when you are scared. I will hold you and listen when you cry and just need to talk. I will be there when you just need a friend. I will be there for you even when you don't need me because regardless you actually do need me. I will love you unconditionally even when you think you don't deserve it. I will hold onto to that big secret and carry it to my grave. I will hold your hand in public or just wherever we are. I will walk along the beach with you while we talk. I will sit and just watch movies all night and cuddle up on the couch with you. I will be there with you forever because no matter what you mean everything to me. I will be next to you every night holding you tightly. I will always be honest with you because you deserve it. I will take care of you when you are ill. I will be everything you need me to be forever and always.

Well love comes and goes and its just weird how someone so unexpectedly comes into your life without you actually realizing why they are there. Love and relationships are like that. But I have been through so much in my past. Things that at my age a normal person wouldn't have. I have had so man terrible things occur that I guess most of the time that I assume when I get close to someone or love someone they will be there and then be gone. Its crazy I know. How can I live when I constantly worry about it. Well I have just given up on that and well just decided to let it go, open up and trust that my heart will have made the right decision. I'm sure right now that the one person that I love and adore knows how much I really care and want nothing more than to be happy and make them happy. I am one that usually keeps to myself not because I choose to I just do. There aren't alot of people that I let get close to me and I have reasons for that also. My heart is there and open. I just want it not to be broken.

I have loved,hurt,hurt someone, and felt out of place. There has been just too much going on and more than anything I have just wanted to feel that unconditional love. Yes I know that is asking alot but hey you can dream can't you. Life is full of hurt and love. Too many mistakes are made that can lead someone down a path that will put them in love with the wrong person. You know that someone that you believe that beyond a shadow of a doubt that they love you and want to be with you the rest of their life. They promise you the world and so on. Then there comes that day that your world has been turned upside down. You are hurt,and can't understand what you have done wrong to make them not want to be there with you anymore. But then life goes on...YOu may go on for a long time and want nothing more than to be with that person still, but then you may go on and find someone new. Yes love is crazy but hell what is it really. Yes just a word mostly. You can tell someone you love them all day long. But showing someone you love and care for them changes things. When you want someone to know how deeply you feel for them you have to show it more than anything. There are those times that even if you show it that someone you love and care for so deeply may not feel the same way. But of course you come across that someone in your life that you are so connected to and they in turn show their love for you in ways you can only imagine. Yes love is crazy and so are relationships. So those are my thoughts for the day....