My Only Sunshine
I'm sad again. I just finished watching Bruce Almighty. I know it sounds weird, but that movie is what really triggered my sadness. I miss being in love. Can you miss something that you're not even sure you actually felt? What is love anyways? I could write pages on my speculations about what constitutes love, but that would take longer than I am willing to spend and wouldn't really accomplish my goal with this blog in the first place. Frankly, I'm just here to whine. Maybe its not love that I miss but a sort of mutual wanting. I want to be wanted by someone I want too. But that's not completely true either. I guess I'd be happy just being wanted by someone I could see myself kissing. It has been quite a long time since I have wanted someone, but not so long since I have met the person described in the previous sentence. But all that is in the past now. No one I know fits that description any more. Why can't I just be happy by myself? I know people who are. I don't like this need for another person. Stupid boys. All they do is hurt me. It seems I am always the first to fall for it and the last to let go - if I ever completely do. I have never been the one to end a relationship - no matter how short-term. As far as I know, there has only been one guy who has tried to win my affections more than once. That too is in the past. In any case, I have made myself a promise: once a guy has hurt me, I will never regress; no second chances. Sound like a good plan? If I didn't so much enjoy the touch of another person, the feeling of safety surrounded by his arms, just the company... I think I'd give up people all together. Stick to computers - they don't disappoint me. What makes it worse is seeing so many of my friends so happy with a significant other. Some are even married! It really is a bit scary. I'm 20 years old and still single with no current prospects. Not that I'm too worried. I know I'm attractive and intelligent. And 20 is still young. Once they get to know me, most guys I know have liked me at one point or another. The problem is the getting to know me part. Some people know exactly what to say and when to say it... not me. I'm horrible at carrying on a conversation. More often than not, I'll just remain silent and opportunities will be missed. I've slowly gotten better at this, but not nearly enough. I see myself trying to conform to what I think someone else wants. That's no way to go through life. I want someone who will see me as me and love me for that. Maybe that's not so hard, but the catch is I also need to love that person for who they are. I wouldn't consider dating someone if I didn't think there was the remotest possibility that I could marry them. Is that so crazy? Finding that one person you want to spend the rest of your life with is the whole point of dating, right? Everyone is a little superficial too. To put it bluntly, while I wouldn't mind being with a less than attractive looking person, I don't want my kids to be ugly. So in the end, I guess it comes down to this: I'm sad because I'm lonely. I'm the only one who looks out for me. I've learned that much here. You snooze you loose. Every man for himself. I don't think I could even count on my closest friends to watch my back. I love them, but if you want something done right, you've got to do it yourself. Sure is a lonely business
