I knew from the beginning that it was extremely unlikely that this would last. I had even started thinking about the best ways in which to end it. I know we are not right for each other. So why do I feel so heartbroken? I think I know. I thought I had finally found someone who loved me. It didn't matter that I was unsure about our compatibility - he seemed to want to be with me even though he also knew it would be difficult to make it last. Tonight I found out otherwise. We finally got around to talking about what happens at the end of July. He said he doesn't think he can handle the long distance thing and that we should probably end it the day I leave. I, however, said that I'd be willing to attempt a long distance relationship if he also wanted to try. He doesn't even wan to try. If we meet at all in August, it will be as just friends. I asked him what he thought going into the relationship. He said his goal was to make it last more than a month (which is how long his past relationships were). It did last more than a month so he considers it a success.
I said earlier that I am feeling heartbroken, but the truth is I'm not completely sure what it is that I'm feeling. Maybe just disappointment? I'm not so much hurt by the fact that we have to break up, but rather that he wasn't even willing to try and make it work. This says to me that from the very beginning this was a casual relationship. Who goes into a relationship with the goal of having it last more than a month anyways? For me, the whole point of dating is to find that one person you want to spend the rest of your life with. Sure, casual flings are fun, but when I consent to be called someone's girlfriend, it is only because I see it as a possibility (however remote) that we could end up together. What I expect in return is for the other person to have a similar attitude. What the hell is the point in planning to break up!? It is lame in the most retarded way. I am disappointed mainly because my expectations were not met. From his actions and words, I thought he actually did love me. Maybe the excessive displays of affection with little actual emotional attachment is a European thing.
I think deep down I also believe breaking up right before I leave is the best thing for both of us. Maybe I just don't like that we've talked about it already? Yet that was necessary. We needed to have some communication on what we'd do when the inevitable came. Maybe I've been subconsciously avoiding it because I knew how I'd feel once we did discuss it. I don't see how I can continue showing him any affection now that we've planned to end it. He seems to have no problem showing it though. I've been thinking about breaking it off right now, but I don't really want to do that either. It'd be awkward and inconvenient since we're still in such close proximity. I don't really want it to end. What is the point of ending something solely because it is going to end anyways? So here is my dilemma: what is the point of staying together, but what is the point of ending it now? If only I could just enjoy the time we have left together, knowing it would definitely have to end. I'm not sure I can do that.
Hmmm... reading over that again, I think I sound a bit angry at him. Let me clarify: I don't blame him at all for doing what he did. I think it was the best option for him and he has been nothing but affectionate towards me. He did show me a good time and I am grateful that I've had him for the past two months. I'm just a little mad at myself for becoming more attached than I wanted to in the beginning. I had let my guard down and I didn't realize it until tonight. He means more to me than I thought he did. But maybe that's not true either. Maybe what I like most about this relationship is the idea of being in it - and not really the person I'm sharing it with. Everyone likes to be loved. It's not so difficult to find someone who you could love or someone who thinks they could love you. The hard part is finding both in the same person. I have failed this time, but I'll continue my search.