Everyone has one thing that they fear more than anything else; and I have kept mine hidden from so many for so long that I have to let it out. Being as I will most likely never meet most any of you, and you have an unbiased opinion of me at this time, I feel safe telling all who read this here.
I didn't grow up in an abusive home or anything, my dad was a baptist preacher for a while, but also an alcoholic. We had money, and dad's drinking would lose it all. Didn't have the father son projects most kids did with their dads, other than go get me a beer and get the fuck out of the house, what fun that was. It was because of the lack of a father figure that since a young age I dreamed f being a daddy, to be the father I never really had.
My dream didn't become a fear until around the fourth grade when the talk was that the earth was going to blow up in the year 2000. I actually drew up a timeline for when I needed to meet someone, propose, get married, and concieve in order for me to be a father before the year 2000 came and the earth existed no more. Needless to say, that timeline has not been followed in the least bit. I'm now 25 and have been single for 5 years, and the only date I have been on in the last 5 years was an employees sister, as a favor.
I've met women, and gotten used by all; led along until I was penniless and left out in the cold with out as much as a thank you for all you've done or even a goodbye. I admit it's my fault, I can't say no to a lady. Although one hurt more than all the others. A wonderful girl named Jennifer and her 3 year old son Ethan. I loved her and her son with all my heart, did everything for her I could, including paying months of rent, phone, and electric bills when she was unable to work. After two years and not even one simple hug, she disapeared.
My one big fear is dying alone. Yes, Im 25, I have plenty of time, don't worry you may say; but you don't know how I am. I'm a bi-polar manic deppressive on no medication, suppressing all of this hurt and pain caused by my lonliness, slowly pushing myself into a hole away from the world. I don't go out, I work 60 hours a week or more and only salaried for 40 hours, and spend the rest of my time at home. I home schooled during my social development years, so don't have the skills needed to meet people, I don't know how to make friends; everyone I have ever known has been met at work or friends of co-workers. Everyday that passes feels like one more day closer to my lonely death, and I hurt just a litle bit more. What do I do? Because I really don't know what to do anymore, I'm tierd of failing.
Just Mike
