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Another year gone by

Another year has come and gone. How quickly they seem to pass in this the autumn of my life. If I could only manage to slow that clock down a bit more............ Well time for a year in review again I guess. The plus and minus sides of the ledger of life. The paths I have taken, and the ones I passed on. Its all in the way you look at it though. They never seem to balance out in the end. Taking the good with the bad is part of life. Ducking the blows which would sever your head from your body, and delivering the same. Its human nature I guess. I can't explain it any other way. You hurt, you hurt back. You love, you love back. In other words, you get what you pay for. Once started, its bought and sold many times, in many different forms. The guises of threats, innuendo, and deceit. Hate feeds and breeds upon itself. A lesson I have learned this past year. Despite once believing that hatred could be a useful emotion, I find now that it can't be confined to just one person. It seeps into others lives like a cancer. And grows exponentially. Seemingly having a mind and life of its own. So resolution #1 for this year of our Lord 2008. TO FORGIVE AND FORGET. My time to cast away stones and live every purpose under Heaven. Turn, turn, turn. Last year at this time I had the privilege of hosting Katie, Chelsea and Aly for New Years. I was living in my house back then, and not here at the trailer. It was magical in a sense. That big old house alive with the noises that make a house a home. Which was seldom at best during 2007. Which is why I decided to sell the place. Too much room to be lonely in. So one of my 2007 resolutions was to change that part of my life. A goal of which I started to work on in November of 2006 by dating again. Into and out of my life came a few women who for various reasons on either part, didn't manage to blossom into anything more lasting then a sweet kiss good night. And the more I dwell upon the subject, find that the main reason was for not letting go of the past. And not only on my part. At my age, the women you date are usually widowed or divorced. I am not going to date a young woman. Been there, done that! And with disastrous consequences. And now finally, found someone just a tad younger than me, that fits me like a glove. Nola. Unfortunately the past wants to "creep" back in. Unwanted, and unsolicited. Like a foul breeze carrying the scent of rotting flesh. So along with resolution #1 I guess I need to shutter the windows and bar the door. Which means I need to keep my past life from harming those around me. How to do that though is the question. I guess I need to keep more to myself when those situations arise. So resolution # 2 is to KEEP MY MOUTH SHUT! Pointing out others mistakes is NOT the answer. Venting on a public stage no matter how vindicated it makes you feel emotionally, is not conducive to resolving issues. Words falling on deaf ears are never heard. Especially when the person or persons they are directed at has they're back turned to you so can't read your lips, or get the message through sign language. In other words a battle not worth fighting. Wasting efforts is something I feel I do enough of on a regular basis. And I above all others should not be casting stones. There will come a time to "strap it on" and all I can do is be ready for it. Worrying about it and expressing those concerns to others only open up old wounds that should of healed with Nola in my life. It is time to LET IT GO! Getting involved in others problems seems to be one thing that even though I resolved NOT to do, keeps rearing its ugly head. How in the hell do I keep winding up doing it then? I have asked myself this question repeatedly over the past year. I guess it reflects towards the person I am. I can't help but be compassionate. It is who I am. I guess its better than shooting the stray neighborhood cat or dog. Or beating the hell out of the sick, homeless and downtrodden. "For whatever you do to the least of my brothers, that you do unto Me". Words from the Bible in Matthew 25:40. Walk the walk, or talk the talk. But can you WALK THE TALK? During this past year I keep getting told what a "big heart" I have. Some find that attractive. Others my biggest detriment. Who's right? Am I just compassionate, or just plain STOOPID! LOL. I won't change the person that I am. MY set of morals, values, and faith. And that is in part due to my upbringing. I can't be more than a friend, husband or dad when needed. It is who I am. And not only to my biological children. But to my nephew, niece, step kids, grand children, and ANYONE else who elicits my aid and advice. Whether I am proud of they're accomplishments, or disheartened by they're failures. Who am I really to judge them? I have made enough mistakes myself in my life. Some of which I am constantly reminded of by my peers. So I should hold them in such low esteem? Or stand by them and try to guide them without casting stones. Hypocrisy is something that I abhor. Not only in others. I am caught myself being hypocritical at times. But when it has been brought to my attention that I had done so, I apologize. When someone is right, they are right. THE TRUTH SPEAKS VOLUMNS. And I don't blame them for casting that stone. So resolution #3 is this. ACCEPT THE FACT THAT YOU CAN ONLY BE THE PERSON YOU WERE MEANT TO BE. Its time for me to stop beating myself up over the fact that others can't accept me as such. I won't change. And in my heart believe I don't have to. Its time to forgive myself. If I am wrong for this, then God will be my judge. After all, I am happy with myself 90% of the time. Maybe this is what I need to get to that 100% mark. And second guessing myself is not allowing me to grow as a person. Time to stop "hedging" the bets. Nola will set me straight if I stray from this path. That is what a true friend does. She speaks the truth unerringly. She has become the mirror. She is my rock and safe harbor. Maybe because we are the same person inside. Nobody understands me better than she. So that’s it. Only 3 resolutions. Time to check the balance sheet now. Last year I resolved to become a happier/healthier me. On that front I accomplished some goals, and need to keep working at it still. The back is still an aching mess at times. But that is the arthritis. I got into more exercise which is helping somewhat. And I don't take my pain meds like I should. Thank God for the knee and back brace. But that goes with being me. Suck it up bud! I am much happier with Nola in my life. And NO, I have not quit smoking yet. And at the cost of cigarettes and gas now a days, it may become more of a financial necessity then a health one. LOL. I also resolved to get out more and enjoy the company of family and friends. I am still doing that. With bowling and golfing. Visiting with family or the kids. Which also helps with the exercise portion. So on that one I'd say I have done well. I also have made some new friends and did find that loving relationship that I was searching for. I would say that I accomplished that goal 100%. I am still hoping to become the willow. Sometimes though, I failed miserably. LOL. Which is all part of life I guess. The road to hell is paved with the good intentions right? Oh man what a pleasant thought that is. Funny how these old sayings come to mind out of the blue. LOL. So as you can see, that weird sense of humor is still present. I haven't lost track of it yet! Yeah, I know. I AM WEIRD! Deal with it. God bless our troops and make 2008 prosperous and joyous for us all. May everyone enjoy good health, love, and growth in the coming year. May your joys outnumber your pains and your life be filled with pleasant memories. And of course all of your dreams be fulfilled. God loves us all. Keep Him beside you in the coming year.
An Angels Kiss By J. S. Monti The daily thoughts of mortal man, Ne’er stray toil till days end. When nights dark cloak a solemn veil. Leads to dreams of failures tale. In this deep and restless night, Nightmares come in wingless flight. A vision seen in black and white. Hovers o’er this head tonight. Flowing robes and open hand, Beckons nearer to her stand. To look into her soul-less eyes, Facing truth? Or countless lies. A swirling sea of smoky mist, Surrounds the earth neath clenching fist. In icy columns chilling blood. Tears I weep in torrent flood. Then burst upon this dreary scene, An Angel sent my soul redeem. In blinding color standing there, Eyes of blue and red of hair. Dressed in flowing gown of white, Stark contrast to this endless night. Eyes of comfort, warmth, and love. Sent to me from God above. And in those lovely eyes so blue, Speaks to me of love so true. Her arms around me safely tight. Gets me through another night. For when life’s shadows dim your dreams, Seek shelter in your Angels wings. Beside me warm and gentle fair, I wake to find you lying there. Upon my grateful, smiling lips, I bend to offer days first kiss. No more to dread nights ebon hue. Know this poem I wrote for you.

Lifes choices

A few short days ago the ex messaged me through e-mail that my adopted daughter wished her step father to become her new dad. And that he indeed wanted to adopt her. Based on this troubling news, I decided to let her go. What else can I really do? So I wrote back that I would not fight it in court, and if that was truly what Chelsea wanted. After all, I have been e-mailing Chelsea without a reply back from her for a couple of months. And she hasn't bothered to call either. I try calling, but her cell phone is always off it seems. They don't have a home telephone number. So I will assume its true since I do not have visitation with Chelsea any longer since her mom wants to put her in the middle of our private "war". Since I believe that isn't good for her in any way, I chose to not take my visitation under the advice of my attorney. Well, yesterday I got a response back from the ex. In this one, she is threatening to take me back to court for more child support. Stating that she was gonna possibly get a cut from California on her adoption assistance money. And low and behold, stating that her new hubby "could not at this time adopt Chelsea". LOLOL. It is so like her. Using the child to get to me. But what she didn't realize is that I have stopped fighting. Or have I? I wrote to the adoption assistance agency in California yesterday. Stating that in the divorce, we have joint custody of our adoptive daughter Chelsea. In it, I put the date I filed for our divorce, the date it became final, and the dates her and her new hubby started living together before they were married. Along with his two kids. Since she said that she had contacted them with that information some years ago, I thought it might be interesting to find out just how much she has told them. I also asked how come I was not kept in the loop concerning their decisions, since I do have joint custody. One way or another, I intend to dig up the truth in this matter. And I am just tired of all the bullshit things she does to get at me. And for what? Because I asked for her to send some paperwork to me via mail so I can have my attorney look it over on the refinancing of her Jeep? Yep. Thats what started this whole mess. Geeze, if ya can't make it in the household with two incomes, how the hell do I make it on one? And they are both licensed nurses. Go figure.

Love gone wrong

Love gone wrong. By J S Monti I walk alone, in sleepless flight. To face a long and bitter night. Surrounded by my deepest fears, Amid the bitterness and tears Of past mistakes I worry so. The deepness of my winters snow. And in this dark and gloomy sight, I spend another lonely night. In this eternal darkness dwells, The depths of self imprisoned hell. These chains have I the will to break? Echoes from the walls I make. My voice the only thing I hear. Falls amiss on deafened ear. Mumbles from the other side. Of walls becoming petrified. To the wall I press an ear. Straining now a voice to hear. Much like Poe’s once lost Lenore. Speaks the Raven, NEVERMORE! Upon these words I turn on heel. To forge another link of steel. Upon a chain already long, Memories of my love gone wrong
On A Road Less Traveled By J. S. Monti And now in the autumn of my life. I come upon a road less traveled The wind is nothing more than a pleasant breeze Gently blowing, it playfully caresses my body. Cooling and soothing. The sun burns brightly in a cloudless, azure blue sky. Healing scars that have been life’s reminders of troubled times. My heart sings and speaks to me. My steps along this path are light and sure. Purposefully marching towards an endless horizon of possibilities. Music fills the air from birds carefully hidden in trees with full lush boughs. A shade of green unlike any seen by mortal man. Reserved for long forgotten gods of time past. This garden in which love abounds. Peace grips my soul. In wave upon wave of serene warmth, it heals old wounds. Some, still bleeding. The oceans rhythmic, unrelenting pounding of the shore is stilled here. It lies calm. So as to appear not to move at all. Not even a wave upon a deep blue mirror finish. Which sparkles and dances like light from a prism. Making the fish look surreal which live there. The white sand of the beach lies unmarked. Pristine, flawless. Spreading out for miles in either direction. My footsteps simply fading as if someone walked behind me and erased there very existence. It was then I noticed you stood beside me. My muse. My confidante’ and lover. Ne’er a dissenting word spoken through lips so red and full. Eyes so kind and loving. Shine from within and speak volume’s from the depths of your soul. In them, all beauty resides. Long and graceful legs mark your movement. Only enhancing the ambiance that is you. A rush of loving warmth fills me as you grab my hand tightly, our fingers intertwine. Making this moment the happiest of my existence. To no longer walk alone in a fools paradise.
Once, A Knight In Armor By J.S. Monti To find an outlet for my mind. I started writing prose and find. Much to my complete surprise. What was bottled up inside. For in your care I found no muse. And settled for life so confused. Taking care of only you. And the troubles that you put me through. Spent my time so foolishly. On problem solving for the “we”. While you sat back willfully. Your “knight in armor” bent his knee. For nothing but the queen he fought. Just another battle sought. To show his love to lady fair. An unholy allegiance I did swear. All of this I did for naught. Shame and scars is all it brought. Forsaking others long the way. Makes me only rue those days. Now that I am on the mend. I find I have a soul again. And in these words it gains repent. For all the time and money spent. Others comfort you have sought. Now their souls you claim and bought. They too will find out gradually. And burn in the private hell you weave. There’s more to love then just a word. It goes both ways so I have heard. To give freely of ones mind and soul. Two become as warriors bold. They face life’s problems equally. Neither has to bend a knee. Or swear allegiance to just one. A mighty army they become. Upon each other they rely. For either/or they’ll do or die. Nurturing along the way. Faith and trust till dying day.
Stolen Moments By J. S. Monti To sit and merely contemplate. My mind reflecting, won’t abate. About the story of our lives. Of stolen moments lovers find. You have a life and so do I. To find a way to intertwine. Yet hard to do, we only live. On stolen moments we can give. Our bodies, minds, and souls to take. The chemistry we can’t forsake. To hold you in that sweet embrace. My heart is dying to partake. To wake and find you lying there. Your body supple, warm and fair. My fingers softly through your hair. An arm around your shoulders bare. Our hearts as one in rhythm beat. Cares and worries fail to seek. This shelter we have wearily sought. Is found within our bodies locked. And in this dream I waken from. Like darkness looms in winters morn. To find that I am only one. And loneliness to weigh upon. For such are dreams of smoke and mirrors. An insight to our deepest fears. The thought of you lies treasured there. In stolen moments, and visions fair.
SANDS OF TIME By J.S. Monti Tick Tock we’re on the clock. Pressure building, just can’t stop. Things to do where goes the day? Words we never get to say. Tick Tock we’re on the clock. Got to beat another block. Dancing to avoid the thing, Like a puppet on a string. Tick Tock we’re on the clock. Seconds now we start to mock. Frazzled, sweaty, mind a racing. Another day rapidly erasing. TICK TOCK, we’re on the clock. Will we ever get caught up? In this web of time we weave, The important things we don’t perceive. TICK TOCK, we’re on the clock. Our mouths become as dry as chalk. Forgetting we need help today? Our ego’s getting in the way! TICK TOCK, we’re on the clock. Mind is numb and we’re in shock. Weary, troubled, full of dread. More to do lies just ahead. TICK TOCK, WE’RE ON THE CLOCK! Getting home it doesn’t stop. If anything we move much faster. Heading for complete disaster. TICK TOCK, WE’RE ON THE CLOCK! Got to do what we’d forgot. Maybe it was yesterday? Or the day before? I just can’t say. TICK TOCK, WE’RE ON THE CLOCK! Pressing forward, fearing naught. Went to bed too late to say. Now we start another day. TICK TOCK WE’RE ON THE CLOCK! Our souls become forever locked. Slaves to work and errands done. We forgot how lonely we’ve become. Tick. Tock. Time has stopped. Another life too soon it cropped. In the moments we did not partake. Forever more our big mistake. Too few the moments TIME allows. For us to pleasure in somehow. We only needed to slow things down. To marvel in how love abounds. To never take the TIME to think. Another’s love for us to drink. A cup of kindness, a helping hand. Would keep our feet upon dry land. Instead our TIME we squandered so. The waters of life’s drowning flow. Too blind to see we’re on the brink. In the sands of TIME we drown and sink.

Doing the math

Just some other facts (Yeah, this clothes thing is really bothering me LOL) Paid in child support in 3 years $ 15,720. Adoption assistance collected 3 years $ 18,000. Personal loans $ 1300. Flight tickets and washing machine $ 740. 401k share (she took the cash) $ 17,000. School books Edison $ 300. (I not only paid Chelseas tab, but I also paid for her son Chris's fees) GRAND TOTAL $ 53,060. Her bills at the new place (estimated) Mortgage $ 1,000. Utilities $ 200. Water $ 100. Car payment $ 600. Insurance $ 100. Phone $ 150. Grand Total $ 2.150. Her salary (based on $ 20 an hour mth)$ 3,200. Overtime (based on $ 30 an hour) $ 720. Taxes and garnishments (based on 50%)-$ 1,960. Grand Total $ 1,960. Child support and adoption assistance $ 940. Total Spendable Income/Month $ 2,900. NET per month available to spend $ 750. I did NOT include the new hubbys income in those figures. But he works at the same place as she does and is a nurse also. So his has to be about the same. In the 6 1/2 years of marriage she did not make less than $20 an hour. So that figure is okay. I estimated the bills for her higher than I think is fair and remember, he and his kids live there too. I based those numbers off of what I pay per month on my own. The overtime is a pretty fair assumption, since she always worked a double on Wednesdays. So I gave her only 4 days of OT. But to hear my daughter talk, her mom works a lot of weekends. So that is underestimated at best. In every instance, I tried to give her the benefit of the doubt in HER favor. So if the new hubby chips in for HIS and HIS KIDS shares, then what could be the problem with supporting ONE child of her own? He isn't paying child support. Whats wrong with this picture?

The REST of the story

Well I posted a mumm yesterday. Concerning whether or not I should buy my daughter her school clothes for this coming year. I am divorced, and pay her mom child support of $ 440 a month. On which she also receives $ 500 for adoption assistance from the State of California. I purposely left out some of the information as a kind of experiment. And the vote was pretty close. YAY won out by a narrow margin. And thats cool. I really don't have much of a problem spending money on my daughter, and as stated have done so over and above the child support I do pay during the year. And like I said, not just on her birthday or Christmas. Now, for the rest of the story........... When I picked her up at her home on Friday (a drive of some 28 miles each way) I noticed a few pallets of things in her driveway. I didn't mention it, because I really could care less what her mom buys. So when we got home was quite in shock when she said her mom wanted to know if I could buy her school clothes for this coming year. When I asked why, she responded that her mom "was a little broke with birthdays and such this past month". I then told her that we would discuss it further later. I also had her step sister (in all actually her cousin) so I didn't want to spoil her visit, since I only get to see that kid once or twice a year since the divorce. She lives in California. When she left on Saturday morning though to go school clothes shopping with her mom and her new hubby, I confronted my daughter. I asked why in the world with what her mom gets for child support for her, could she be broke? Especially when she had those pallets of stuff on her driveway. So I asked if she was redoing a bathroom or remodeling some of her home because I wasn't buying that she was broke since Katie was going to get HER clothes. She looked stunned. So I asked what was in the boxes again. She looked very sheepishly at me and uttered "Our new pool". As you can imagine, this kinda infuriated me. Not so much that they are getting a pool. I really don't care about that. But to have my daughter ask me to go above the call to get her school clothes while she is out spending money on a pool? Come on people. Her hubby has his two kids living with them also. They do not like my daughter. And she confided this in me. The ex took her out of a school here in town to move her last November to where her "boyfriend" lived his whole life. With his kids going to school there, all they're lives. This is where she bought HER home (she told the kids specifically that Michaels name WAS NOT on the title) from the $ 17,000 cash she got in the divorce from my 401k. My daughter was doing fine in school here. Where she had friends she had been in school with for years. Then she started having problems in math around the holidays. Went from a b- to a d. I wrote the teacher of hers a note, and asked if she could please e-mail to me what my daughter needed help with, and that I would work with her on it. I had been working with her on my weekends once I found out what her grade was. But to my dismay, her teacher e-mailed her mom instead. Guess thats the price of divorce. And I have fought with the schools before to be kept informed. To no avail even though by law, they have to. All I get are excuses. And I suspect but can't prove who is behind that one. And I just tired of fighting the system. I don't have the money to sue the school system. Anyways. My divorce took over a year and a half to complete. In that time, I had to keep the insurance up on my daughter and soon to be ex. My ex first had shoulder surgery which delayed the case. Then, she had cut herself with a knife and severed two tendons on her hand. While the Dr was in there, he also did a carpel tunnel job on her. So a nurse with one hand doesn't work. In that interim, I LOANED her $ 1300 when the utility company threatened to turn off the power at the home she was living in. I did it more so for my daughter. Then her washing machine went down. So I bought her a new one. She promised to pay that back too. I also through a court oversight, paid $ 1800 in OVER payments to child support. Which the court was so nice as to say that if I ever fall into arrears, they will consider it. And Christmas the year she was laid up? I bought all the presents for everyone. Even included her. LOL. I also paid for her daughters trip from California for her summer visit last year. Again, with the promise that I would be paid back. There is also the matter of $ 20,000 damages that her and the other kids did to my home in the 6 1/2 years we were married. I owned the place and the only reason she didn't go after it was because she would of had to come up with HALF the cost of repairs. I borrowed that sum from my 401k share. And I am still paying it back today. While there is a lot more to this story, I am not gonna bitch about it any more. I just thought that you who voted should know a little more. Will I be buying her clothes for the school year. Yeah, probably once I get my profit sharing check on the 11th. I would of done it anyways without her mom making her "beg" and telling her to feed me a line of bullshit about it. Birthdays........ RIGHT. To this day, NONE of my kids or theirs receive anything from her. But she tells everyone, that she has 16 grandkids. LOL. Everyone, all of hers, mine, and grandkids get something from me. So go ahead people who wrote that I needed to take my responsibility. Tell me how much more responsible she is than me again. I need to hear it cause I sure do doubt it.
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