my foolish heart becomes the joke
I'm the Joke I have only Fallin in love only two times in my life The love of my life Michael Oh Michael, Why him he's not goodlooking in any way but this man played me made me linger and desire him and build him up god like and i played his game for too damn long I was nothing but a follower at first I followed him just to gaze at him i became jealous when he spoke to another girl I still wanted him, I had other men but i wanted only him i wrote erotic letters which he shared with his friends when i found out i was humiliated and ashamed I still wanted him, loved him, worshipped him I tried to walk away and when he had a girlfriend he still wanted to mess around with me but when he was caught he told her i was nothing again i humiliated my self. I was a Joke a nothing i walked away but my heart still ached for him as time passed things changed but still held him in my heart a memory I made myself forget all the bad memories I just Thought of him in foundness and every time i passed his old house or the cross streets that had his first and last name I thought of him. i still loved him .Even when i had my child i wished she was his child that i had a piece of him be a part of me instead she was a result of a one night stand i loved her from the day i found out but still I wondered about Michael Did he marry did he have children did he move away. but one night 2 years ago I went out to see a band that he once worked for how i prayed and prayed that he was not there but there he was with a young boy that young boy was his son the same age as mine i hoped he would not notice or remember me but he did the minute he put his arms around my waist and kissed my lips the feelings came back and we started to fool around and it stopped for what ever reason and again i was under his spell i fell into it I even sucked my daughter in she too was taken by him i started writing those letters again. but he inspired me to write good stories and poems he became my muse but after a year of torment and my life was falling apart i could take no more. Why am i torturing myself when i was feeling all this pain inside i had someone else someone that was there for me or so I thought. Chris this also was not suppose to happen this was another big mistake what started out as a dear friend i was concerned for here i was this unwanted fat ugly inside and out non sexual being who felt like nothing and made to feel like a sexual being again between the two it inspired me to lose weight and like myself again chris made me feel desired again we started using each other for sex and comfort this was suppose to last a few months but it didn't we had a fight over our children and we stopped seeing each other because one it was only for sexual release and friendship he was dating and i was in love with Michael so while i was going thru this with michael and my personal spiral at home. I stopped seeing Chris it should have stayed that way but one night while i was in a homelss shelter i get a call. Its Chris and we pick-up again this time though i was slowly needing him more and more out of my lonliness and depression he was there more and more i started lying to myself and him that i was using him for inspiration for my erotic stories and for my sexual needs but inside i was falling hopelessly in love more and more til my jealousy and want controlled my feelings clouded my good senses and made it my mission to please him anyway i could i trapped myself even as i have lingering feelings for Michael i fell deeply for him. again I'm a joke even 4 months have not changed my feeling for him. Even now I am trying so hard to date and meet new people I still want them my heart is still with them I miss and still hurt for Chris and I want to see Michael but i need love and touch sex and to feel I am opening my heart to other men hoping and pray that my heart will beat for another someone who will not treat me like a joke that will love me and i could and will love back i refuse to give into settling again for the sake of someone loving me I want to give my all again and have it returned I never want to forget Michael my first love or Chris who gave me my body back I feel lost inside and now i feel as if i am cheating on them but, I Know they will never love me as i wanted to be loved and they can't return my feelings to me. Michael and Chris If you only knew or cared to know I will love you till I die but iff I never loved you both i would have never known love at all. I thank you both for your attention in my life i want you both still I must also let you both go so i can feel that way again. With all my heart, Maria
