Annelid's blog: "Ramblings,thoughts and assorted stuff"

Catharsis – noun :

a : purification or purgation of the emotions (as pity and fear) primarily through art

b : a purification or purgation that brings about spiritual renewal or release from tension

3

: elimination of a complex by bringing it to consciousness and affording it expression

How I wish for a such a thing. How the rage, anger and more importantly, the sorrow I feel envelopes me like a lovers embrace.  My life has been one of happiness , albeit fleeting, love, although brief, sadness, a constant companion. Perhaps I dwell on this way too much, perhaps. Perhaps I’ll find what I’m looking for or better yet it will find me. Perhaps.

I look back upon my life and see mostly, failure and dashed dreams and purged desires.  I suppose one can grow accustomed to the constant barrage of it but it still stings. I wear my heart on my sleeve, my dreams in my mind, my love on my lips and sorrow in my eyes. I’ve been told I have sad eyes.  Eyes are said to be the door way to the soul so I suppose it makes sense. 

I dream. I dream about the impossible. I dream about intangibles. I dream about you and me. I dream. Behold, here cometh the dreamer. Let us slay him. Then we shall see what becomes of his dreams.

I talk. I speak. I converse. I convey. I relate. I understand. Yet my words and actions seem to fall on deaf ears.  I see. I envy. I loathe. I hate. I pity. I pity myself for what I’ve become.  I wish.

I long for a day when fingers tips of someone who loves me touches my face, like the warmth of the sun on a beautiful morning.  I long for the day when I can stop searching, searching my heart, stop searching for the one that will become two . You, plus me equals one.  I’m tired of my quest. I’m tired of looking at a flashing cursor in a little box, awaiting those precious pixels , those wonderful zero’s and one’s that ultimately make up the words, I love you. I want you. I need you.

I look upon my life as a constant stream of ebbs and flows, ups and downs.  The apex vs the flatline. I want to crush the bell curve. I want more out of live. I want to be complete. I want you, I want you to want me. I want to fall madly in love again. I want to watch you sleep next to me. Hear your heart beat so faintly. Feel your warm breath on my skin. I want to reach out and stroke your hair, all the time shaking with explosion of emotion knowing that we’re together and it’s perfect.  I want.

There is no catharsis. There is only the here and now. How I wish you were here now. That would be my catharsis.