T1nK RL GF T0 Shr3dd3r's blog: "Inner Thoughts of an Angel..."

I wrote this yesterday... 

Today is the day the most mother's spend with their children. But with my current situation, my child is still 2500+ miles away from me. But I was just sitting here thinking. I did get to see 3 of my kids today. So I shouldn't be that upset, but of course, it doesn't compare to my baby boy. Last year, on Mother's Day, I got to hold, hug, and kiss my baby boy. This year, he's so far away, but I did get to spend part of the day with another little boy that now has my heart in a bind. And about 10 minutes with the 2 teenagers in my life that are now considered my step-children (NO, I'm NOT married, for those that are not understanding it). And for that, I am very grateful. Last year, I was just a little girl, tryin' to take care of a little boy. This year, I'm a woman trying to get stuff arranged to have all 4 of my kids in one place. A lot has changed the past year, and some of it makes me really sad, but most of it, makes me feel important now. I am needed, wanted, cared for, loved, etc. every day. And in 22 days, I will have my little boy here with me. I can't wait!! I've been counting down the days, and they seem to be going by so slow. I want everything to be perfect for him, I want to see him smile. I want to smell him, hug him, kiss him, play with him. Take him to the park. Take him to the pool. It tears me up not having him here with me. To the point, to where there are somedays where I regret ever leaving. But then, there's the other days, I have to keep telling myself.... Just a few more days... You've made it this far, you can make the last remaining days. I miss watching him sleep. I miss watching him play. I miss his laugh, and even his temper tantrums about getting a haircut. The things that used to annoy me, as a new mother, now... I cherish more than anything in the world. When Jaden (5 yr old) is here, I can't help but miss DW even more. I see Jaden and his dad playing, laughing, hugging, kissing, etc. And it hurts... It hurts not to have my baby boy here. And of all days, this is the day... MY day, that I'm suppose to have my child by my side to be grateful for. I tried to talk to him on the phone, but he was busy playing.... a 4 yr old doesn't understand, obviously, how important today is. And I let him go, and didn't force him to talk, because I do understand that he's "busy". But, at the same time, just an I love you would have been fine. I miss hearing him laugh, giggle, be silly, playing, and even sleeping. 

I want this long drawn out process to be over with!! I want it done TODAY!! And I know I can't have it today. I'm just starting to lose my patience for not having him here with me. It's driving me insane. I want him here with me so bad, that I cry when no one's watching. I hurt, every second of the day. It's almost to the point to where, I'm not even 'here' anymore. I'm in Maryland... Watching him play, watching him sleep, even watching him doing things that he's not suppose to do!! I don't know how much longer I can deal with this. I know that it's almost over. That he'll be here soon. And it just seems that time stopped a long time ago. 

I have a new family now, a family that's not perfect, by any means. But a family, that I can count on, just like the one back East. A family, that's there for me, when I need to cry, when I need to laugh, when I just need a hug. Things have been crazy here the past few weeks, trying to get everything set up, since the move, and getting everything situated for the trip East. Our family is spending less time together than ever before, because of schedule conflicts, and this going on or that going on. I just feel like I'm in a whirl wind and I'm just bein' thrown around to side to side of where to go, and what to do. I guess this is how Mother's do it though... They have this kid needing this, that kid wanting this, etc. etc. etc. And it's like "OMG, where did the time go?!" ... BUT, my family here isn't complete... and won't be complete... until May 30th. I'm sitting here, staring at the clock, suppose to be taking a nap, but I can't seem to lay down, because my baby boy isn't next to me right now.... 

For all those mothers, that have the "bad" kids, or feel that their child is the most misbehaved child ever, or can't seem to make them listen, please... For me... On this day, and every day afterwards, be grateful that your child is there, where you can hug them, kiss them, ground them, yell at them, because there will be a time, where they won't be there, and you'll regret not giving them a hug and a kiss, because you don't know when you'll see them ever again. I've been away for 7 months... and that's 7 months too long... Just.. Be forever grateful... Always...