T1nK RL GF T0 Shr3dd3r's blog: "Inner Thoughts of an Angel..."

As most of you already know, and some that may not.. Here's how it goes... 

Most of you know me, from the old days of AD (After Dark), some of which I have remained close with, others I have not, for more reasons than I care to mention. As most of you know, I have met the man of my dreams of FU, and I am forever grateful for that. I have since moved 2800+ miles to be with him, and live my life as his woman. Along the way, I made two "pit stops" so to speak. One planned, one unplanned.  The first stop was to what I thought was a long time friend of mine, turned out to be a sicko, two-faced maniac, and no, I won't go into details, because there is no use beating a dead horse.  The second stop, was to a friend helping me out of stop #1.  This friend, was very so polite, and nice to me, knowingly that I was only staying for 3 weeks, They (her and her hubby) opened their home, and their arms to me for those 3 weeks.  The time came for me to part with them, and continue on with my journal to the West Coast. That 'friend' helped out and paid for the trip, expecting my boyfriend, to pay her back. An agreement between the two of them, that, in turn, has nothing to do with me.  For 3 months, she has harassed me, and even kicked me off her friends lists, profile, etc, because I have politely told her that it was an agreement between THEM TWO, not me, and I was not in it nor choosing sides. This friend, has then told me that I am a selfish person, because I left my child with his grandmother for a short period of time, so I can make sure that this place (West Coast) was safe for him to be here, and that I was staying.  As most of you on fu know... Not all relationships are guaranteed, no matter how well you believe you know this person or not, so I was looking out in the best interest of my child, and making sure he was safe, happy, and taken care of.  

Now, here it is 5 months later, I am very satisfied with my decision on coming to the West Coast.  I have gained employeement, and we have recently moved into a bigger place, to accomadate for the room of my son, as well as the other children. Two weeks ago, we purchased the plane tickets to fly back East to go get my child.  This morning, we purchased the plane tickets for the flight back here with the 3 of us together. And my family will be complete and happy!  Some of you, who's cell numbers that I have, got the massive "TRIP COMPLETELY" text message this morning, when I informed everyone how excited I was about finally getting this major step out of the way, and finally accomplished.  And believe me, I AM EXCITED!  

My REASON for this blog, is that #2 pitstop... Received that text as well.  Most of you replied back with "Congrats".. "I bet you're excited".. etc.  Thank you all for those text messages, they mean a lot to me! :)  "#2 Pitstop" replies with "U still owe me money. I know I will neva c it unless I take u 2 court n I am not up 2 that atm. Please leave me alone. Best 2 u."  ... And as you all know, I'm not one to leave things unfinished... So my reply was "I don't owe u anyting. (Boyfriend) does. And if you're stupid enough to take him to court for $50 then go right ahead. Eat shit & Choke."  ... Reply back from her "It is not stupid and wow I can see you have not grown up at all if you contact me again expect to be contacted by the police as I have had enough of your harass"  

#1 Yes, she said "Harass" and not "Harassment"... #2 Can you seriously take someone to court for $50?  #3 If so, then wouldn't they be spending twice that amount in court cost, if not more, for trying to sue someone out of state, let alone across country for $50?  #4 I THOUGHT this person was MY friend, and understood that the 'agreement' was NOT made with me, YES, it was MY plane ticket, and YES, I was present at her house at the time of 'purchase'... BUT I did NOT agree to pay her ANYTHING, and I will state, that I have told the boyfriend, after her being a cunt and not asking him, instead of me, then I wouldn't pay her. This includes her comments of me choosing a MAN over MY CHILD, and that I was a selfish bitch, and a no good mother. Mind you, at least I'm going to GET my child....... -cough cough cough- 

I have been reading people's blogs, comments, etc. On fubar here lately, and this whole 'fight' so to speak, with this SO CALLED friend, just makes me realize, fubar isn't the only place that you make friends "with money"... But in the Real World, if people don't have your money, or the people around that person doesn't have your money, you look like a fukking idiot for not asking the right person for your money in the first place. Ok. I think I'm done venting now. :)  Have a good fu-day! :) 

I wrote this yesterday... 

Today is the day the most mother's spend with their children. But with my current situation, my child is still 2500+ miles away from me. But I was just sitting here thinking. I did get to see 3 of my kids today. So I shouldn't be that upset, but of course, it doesn't compare to my baby boy. Last year, on Mother's Day, I got to hold, hug, and kiss my baby boy. This year, he's so far away, but I did get to spend part of the day with another little boy that now has my heart in a bind. And about 10 minutes with the 2 teenagers in my life that are now considered my step-children (NO, I'm NOT married, for those that are not understanding it). And for that, I am very grateful. Last year, I was just a little girl, tryin' to take care of a little boy. This year, I'm a woman trying to get stuff arranged to have all 4 of my kids in one place. A lot has changed the past year, and some of it makes me really sad, but most of it, makes me feel important now. I am needed, wanted, cared for, loved, etc. every day. And in 22 days, I will have my little boy here with me. I can't wait!! I've been counting down the days, and they seem to be going by so slow. I want everything to be perfect for him, I want to see him smile. I want to smell him, hug him, kiss him, play with him. Take him to the park. Take him to the pool. It tears me up not having him here with me. To the point, to where there are somedays where I regret ever leaving. But then, there's the other days, I have to keep telling myself.... Just a few more days... You've made it this far, you can make the last remaining days. I miss watching him sleep. I miss watching him play. I miss his laugh, and even his temper tantrums about getting a haircut. The things that used to annoy me, as a new mother, now... I cherish more than anything in the world. When Jaden (5 yr old) is here, I can't help but miss DW even more. I see Jaden and his dad playing, laughing, hugging, kissing, etc. And it hurts... It hurts not to have my baby boy here. And of all days, this is the day... MY day, that I'm suppose to have my child by my side to be grateful for. I tried to talk to him on the phone, but he was busy playing.... a 4 yr old doesn't understand, obviously, how important today is. And I let him go, and didn't force him to talk, because I do understand that he's "busy". But, at the same time, just an I love you would have been fine. I miss hearing him laugh, giggle, be silly, playing, and even sleeping. 

I want this long drawn out process to be over with!! I want it done TODAY!! And I know I can't have it today. I'm just starting to lose my patience for not having him here with me. It's driving me insane. I want him here with me so bad, that I cry when no one's watching. I hurt, every second of the day. It's almost to the point to where, I'm not even 'here' anymore. I'm in Maryland... Watching him play, watching him sleep, even watching him doing things that he's not suppose to do!! I don't know how much longer I can deal with this. I know that it's almost over. That he'll be here soon. And it just seems that time stopped a long time ago. 

I have a new family now, a family that's not perfect, by any means. But a family, that I can count on, just like the one back East. A family, that's there for me, when I need to cry, when I need to laugh, when I just need a hug. Things have been crazy here the past few weeks, trying to get everything set up, since the move, and getting everything situated for the trip East. Our family is spending less time together than ever before, because of schedule conflicts, and this going on or that going on. I just feel like I'm in a whirl wind and I'm just bein' thrown around to side to side of where to go, and what to do. I guess this is how Mother's do it though... They have this kid needing this, that kid wanting this, etc. etc. etc. And it's like "OMG, where did the time go?!" ... BUT, my family here isn't complete... and won't be complete... until May 30th. I'm sitting here, staring at the clock, suppose to be taking a nap, but I can't seem to lay down, because my baby boy isn't next to me right now.... 

For all those mothers, that have the "bad" kids, or feel that their child is the most misbehaved child ever, or can't seem to make them listen, please... For me... On this day, and every day afterwards, be grateful that your child is there, where you can hug them, kiss them, ground them, yell at them, because there will be a time, where they won't be there, and you'll regret not giving them a hug and a kiss, because you don't know when you'll see them ever again. I've been away for 7 months... and that's 7 months too long... Just.. Be forever grateful... Always...

Leave one memory that you and I had together. It doesn't matter if you knew me a little or a lot, anything you remember. Don't send a message, leave a comment on here. Next, re-post this in your notes and see how many people leave a memory about you. It's actually pretty funny to see the responses

Well I hope you all can think of good ones cause if you post me a memory I'll reply to you with a memory that I have of us!

An ex friend of mine told me once "Your body is here, but your heart and soul are somewhere else".  At first, I was confused, and didn't really understand what they meant.  Until recently...  As most of you know, I have moved from my home in Maryland... to Georgia (lived with said ex friend).. to Wisconsin (stayed with a female friend of mine)... and Now I'm in Washington.  And now, it makes total sense.  That ex friend of mine, was right this whole time.  And I wanted to actually write this, in hopes that he reads this... because I do, in fact, want to thank him.  Because of him, and his constant complaining, it made me realize, that I was in the wrong place.  I should have made other decisions a long time ago.  But now that I have, and it's finally my reality, I do want to thank him for being there, and making me see this.  I found the love of my life.... on fubar... of all places.  Odd, huh?  But ya, know, I haven't even been here for 12 hours, and he's great. :)  And this ex-friend of mine once said... "If you love him so much, why don't you just go be with him" ... Well... I did :)  And I couldn't thank that ex-friend for the best advice he gave to me months ago. :) 

Have you ever felt that you was in a whirl wind of emotions? Feelings? Thoughts? You're happy. You're sad. You don't know what to do, don't know where to turn. There comes a point to where you just want it all to go away, but you don't want the aftermath of the effect of it going away.  You think to yourself "How much more.... How many more times..." It's just so heart wrenching, watching everything fall apart, right in front of your eyes, and not being able to pick up the pieces, grab some super glue, and place them all together again. Your first "true love" deserts you... Your family is ripping apart at the seams... It's like "WTF did it all go so wrong?"  ... Then to add current individual situations... and it still leaves you wondering... Is this the right thing to do? The right steps to take? You sit with super glue in hand, ready to pick up any pieces.. and just glue them together, even if they don't fit.  Everything has become a whirl wind... And I'm stuck right in the middle of it all.  Nobody to talk to. Nobody to tell. No where to go. No way to turn. You're stuck.  .... And.... You're back at square one again..........

I have came to the conclusion that this world will never be 
what I want it to be, or even what I expect it to be. I don't
belong here. Heh. Who would have guessed that one. I won't
leave everything I have to make anyone feel that it's not 
too late to make things right. Because in reality, it's never too late.
I can keep telling you that it's gonna be alright, everything
will be fine. But in the end, you still want to change your mind
and wish everything to end, including your life. Every so often I try
to make things right. To make you feel wanted. To make you
feel needed. The way that it should be, but still... It's not enough.
Maybe one day, you'll realize this, and I hope that it's not
too late for this to happen so you can enjoy what's left of 
an already fucked up world. No one ever sees this side of you,
the side that I have seen, that I've heard, that I've witnessed.
When something's wrong, nobody knows, but I see it. I hear it. 
I sense it. I have done everything I could. To try to make you see
that everything will be alright. If you just opened your eyes,
and see what's right in front of you, what has been in front of you
That has fought for you. As fought beside you. To the end.
The world we both know won't turn back the hands of time, all the time
spent trying to make it right, we have lost, and there is no
gaining that back. The life we had, won't hurt us no more. It's done. 
It's over. The past doesn't come back unless you let it come back.
What part of that do you not understand. It's not too late to change it.
It only repeats itself when YOU let it repeat itself. I have done
all I could do. There's nothing left. I have reached my hand out to you
so many times, to try to be there for you. To help you. And I
keep being pushed away. So I have no choice but to walk away. 
You've pushed me to this. YOU forced me.  There is no one to blame
except YOU. I hope you see who really cares.  I hope someday soon
you open your eyes and you realize what's going on. That you see
with your own eyes... that it's not too late.

I've been thinking.... And here is what I have came up with... **Should have known better **Too soon **Too far **Jealousy hurts not just others, but yourself. **Life is too short.... Just BLAH... WTF?! Tink Emo night? :| Mixed emotions are running wild, and idk how the hell to contain them.. at all.. And.. of course... nobody to talk to about it :| Go fuckin' figure!!!

You did it to yourself,
Now you're all by yourself,
Acting like you hate me,
I left because you made me,
You played me to the left,
Now there's nobody left,
To hear your complaining,
I'm gone and all you're hearing is your own
Echos!
E-echos!
And I'm gone,
And you're all alone,
Can't you hear the hear the,
Echos!
E-echos!
No one to hear you,
There's nobody near you,
It started off great,
But who was to know,
That love that is lost,
Cannot be let go,
You said it's my fault,
Ok then I'll go,
It's better to know,
Now there's nobody to argue with,
Cause I'm not home,
Don't care who you're with,
Don't call my phone,
Or did you forget,
You know you're wrong,
I'm gone!
And you're all alone, hearing your own damn,
Echos!
E-echos!
And I'm gone,
And you're all alone,
Can't you hear the hear the,
Echos!
E-echos!
No one to hear you,
There's nobody near you,
Disgusted with trust,
I trust no one no more,
Just went with the flow,
Found myself on the floor,
When you went away,
All my pain went astray,
Like it's a new day,
Now I have no one to argue with,
Cause I'm not home,
Don't care who you're with,
Don't call my phone,
Or did you forget,
You know you're wrong,
I'm gone,
And you're all alone,
Hearing your own damn,
Echos,
Your own damn,
E-echos,
No one is near you,
No one can hear you,
It's your own damn,
Echos!,
E-echos!,
No one to hear you,
There's nobody near you,
All night long,
I thought to my self,
Why would I stay with you,
Realized that you were the one who had issues,
So why would I miss you,
To argue with,
Cause I'm not home,
Don't care who you're with,
Don't call my phone,
Or did you forget,
You know you're wrong,
I'm gone!,
And you're all alone,
Hearing your own damn echos!,
It's just you and your,
E-echos!,
It's just you and your,
I hope you're talking alone,
It's just you and your,
Echos!,
It's just you and your,
E-echos!,
There's no one to hear you,
There's nobody near you,
It's just your own damn,
Echos!,
Your own damn,
E-echo!,
Echo!,
E-e-echo!,
Echo,
E-echo,
E-e-echo,
To argue with,
Cause I'm not home,
Don't care who you're with,
Don't call my phone,
Or did you forget,
You know you're wrong,
I'm gone!