I’m scared....
So I'm sitting at my desk (at home) and it's a Friday night, scratch that , Saturday Morning.
Anyways, I'm worried. About the country, the elections and the economy. I'm not a Goose Stepping Ultra Rightest nor am I a liberal left loony. I'm a situtionalist, give me the situation and I'll give you my opinion. Politically correct I'm not.
I digress.
As you may or may not know (or care) I can't find f/t work anywhere. From the local supermarkets to the big box electronic stores. Is it me? Am I over or under qualified?
Is it the economy? A mixture of both? Who knows...all I know is that I'm scared, really scared. What's to become of me? And not to get all existential, who am I? I mean, when I was younger I had these dreams that I'd have a job/career/ a mortage/ a wife and kids, you know the suburban dream.A slice of the American Pie. Well none of that has happened.
Not that I don't want it too, believe me I want the little house. To mow the lawn, to paint the walls, to have something to call my own.A wife to love, a family....a life.
My little sanctuary.
I utterly LOATHE living in and renting a apartment. Good $ thrown away and you have nothing to show for it. Of course it takes some scratch to get a place....
I walked outside today to get something out of my car and saw some kids playing. Just sitting outside on a nice warm October day and they were having a blast. Running around without a care in the world. Sigh. I long for the time when I was a kid. Things to me were so simple then. Nary a care in the world. A good friend and a board game and you were set. Or a bike ride a few blocks away, pedaling as fast as you could, taking your feet off the pedals and looking down and seeing them spin. Laying on my back in my parents backyard looking up at the summer sky. Seeing clouds, birds and the occasional plane going off to who knows where.
My mind races with all these thoughts (in no particular order mind you) :
Money, politics, success , appearance and so on. The building blocks,of a good life.
Supposedly. Are we conditioned to think this way? Perhaps, look at tv (or the idiot box as I call it) or listen to the radio and listen and see what's constantly thrown in our faces. We consume and believe all , even though deep down we know it's all fluff, a hollywood facade, smoke and mirrors.
But you may say, hey, you post blogs and all of these little synthy things you have. Aren't you being a bit hypocritical? No, not at all. I like what I like. I don't care if what i listen too isn't "hip" or "trendy". I'm not in it for the "cool points". It amuses me, it relaxes me and puts me at ease..and very few things do.
What does? Well, watching my gf sleep curled up next to me. Seeing the cats play and do silly things. One of my cats talks to me. Well meows a lot and it makes me smile. He's a handful but g0d he's sooo cute. The other cat is very mellow, cautious and somewhat timid ( a lot like me ) but with his little brother around, they're mischief makers. Why go on this cat tangent ? Because again, I like the simple things in life. Cats, sleeping in late with my girl, pulling up the blanket around our heads and hearing the wind whistle outside the window.
Where am I going with this screed? I don't know but I do know I will not and cannot let things get me down. I will find a job, a career or a mcjob but I'll have something. What ever job I'll get, won't define me. A job is a means to a end..a necessary evil if you will..
it's not who I am.
I'll scrimp and save, move out of this place and we'll have our own little sanctuary a place of safety.
And doesn't everybody want a bit of safety and security in their lives?
