I have come to the conclusion that I was mind raped… and like any other rape victim, it wreaks havoc on your emotions. I was told some harsh things the other day that quite frankly screwed me up. As everyone knows the relationship between my husband and I is OVER. I have come to the realization that some people hold on to things because you think that’s what you deserve or that is all that is out there. You deprive yourself of what could be or should be. Keep closing doors even before they are even opened, missing doors because you are too blind to see them. You are too wrapped up in the moment, to consumed by emotion to stop and look. Under this rock here, I am learning. Things between us will never be. That simple. I am finally letting go. I wont lie, it has been hard, but I see now. The road to what we call happiness is definitely not an easy one, but hey you live and you learn. What I need right now is some serious me time. I need to be on my own, make peace with myself. I have issues I need to fix. I need something I have never had before in my life… silence. I need time to re-discover who I am and what I want out of life. I want to explore life, learn, live, love and experience life at it fullest, I can’t do that without fixing myself first. This last relationship has really screwed me good. I lost myself somewhere along the road, ima find her again, I know she is still in there somewhere, beneath a tattered shell of betray and bullshit. As of right now… I don’t want a relationship… with anyone. It just won’t be fair nor will it go anywhere because I am not me right now. I want me time, time to repair my soul and to do what I need to do to get right again. I am going to take on this journey by myself. ALONE! I am shedding my security and learning more about myself everyday. Okay so what if I am weak, I am getting stronger. So what if I aint got the body of a super model, I’m loosing weight and I’m healthy. Okay I have a bad attitude, deal with it or there’s the damn door. I am tired of putting on this little front of kindergarten teacher; smile just because everyone wants me to smile bullshit. If I’m mad ima scowl, if I’m happy ima, smile if I goofy you know what, ima act stupid, be be proud of it. Something my Ma taught me years ago, that I have forgotten, I am SOMEBODY! I can and will make it through this. I am finally getting up out of this pool of self pity. I am looking forward to the future. I know what the hell I want for once in my life and NOTHING or NO ONE is going to stand in my way. I am going toward that light with gusto. I don’t need anyone to hold my hand or prop me up anymore. I am not going to plan for anything anymore; I am taking one day at a time, one experience, one hurt, one love, one mistake, one lesson at a time. I will remain here under my rock in this silence until I am ready to come out. I will make that decision, ME and only ME. When I finally do emerge from the silence and self-repair from this rock… you better look out. I am going to stand with pride again. I am going to face each day with my hands balled in a fist ready to go, do u hear me, no more will I ever be knocked down into some sort of pitiful mush, by anyone. I am going to live and learn and be free. Right now I only ask for one thing… Dear lord, heavens above grant me this one request… Let it rain, let there come a down pour unlike any other, I need to be cleansed of this funk I have been draped in for so long.
