HOT The HoTmOm's blog: "Memoirs of a Psychopath"

Haha! I did it. I found someone I thought had died so long ago. I did it! I found myself. I am going to be me from this point forward. I bid this rock farewell because I have finished my task at hand. I found me. It was a long haul and took me awhile to realize, I never died, I was hiding from the chaos. Well, something I have come to realize, dude, I am chaos… I am going to do what I want, when I want, and how I freaking want. Ima have a bad attitude because well, like it or not… that’s just me. Ima stand proud again, because I know who I am and no one will ever take that from me again! I am independent and don’t need anyone. I got this… I have learned a lot hiding here under this rock of self reflection. I know one thing for damn sure, I will continue to visit this rock on a regular basis, just to sort out things and think. I like the solitude. All I can say is World, ya better look out… Shes back… Lol, I can already hear the uh-ohs and the oh nos lmao. You know what, I got people who love me for me. I have friends that accept me and love me for me. My family is always going to have my back. I look at it like this, quite simple… If you don’t like me, or what I have to say, then there is the door. If you can accept me for the way I am with all my flaws, I don’t need you… I can do bad all by myself. It’s a great feeling. I think Ima get a bunch of rocks and rent them out to troubled souls. Its amazing what it can do for you. I feel refreshed and its only the beginning of the release…

Today Im not harping about what I have learned under a rock. Today I am harping about my mama. Known to everyone as Ma, she is a wonderful powerful woman. One day I hope to become half the woman she is. On the inside she is genuine as the come. She is straight forward about everything. Something I am finally learning is very important to be. She has a soul unlike any other I have ever seen. She gives, and gives, and gives, and gives, and just when you think she has nothing left she gives some more! Im not talking about anything specific either, this woman gives her all in everything she does. A perfectionist a heart, she strives to do everything right the first time. She makes mistakes just like everyone else but unlike everyone else she learns! Honestly, I dont believe this woman has a weak bone in her body. Steadfast and strong, I have never known her to back down from any thing or any challenge. Any woman who will stand up to a man twice her size knowing he can beat her ass and still not back down, but get in his face, fists clenched at her side, is a "shero" in my book. On the outside she is gorgeous! It hurts my heart because she just cant seem to see it. She has eyes that reflect what she has been through, hence her strength. They reflect her soul. Her smile can brighten the darkest of days. Personally my favorite part of Ma is her hug. I swear this woman can hug away anything! She wraps those welcoming arms around you and something in you just says "ok, its going to be alright." You can literally feel the love radiate from her when you hug her, its overwhelming and powerful. You havent been hugged until you have been hugged by Ma. (I wont lie though, bubba has a close second.) Another reason I look up to Ma so much is her attitude. Everyone whether they know Ma or not, know you don¡¦t mess with ma! Its hilarious, the most stubborn, bull headed, dominant guy will look at Ma and hurry up and say "yes mama." I love it. She is so soft and yet so tough, wrapped up in one magnificent package. She is truly a beautiful person on the inside and the outside, a very scarce thing these days. Anyhow, now that you have a general idea of who Ma is... it only gets better! Something I can always say about Ma is that she did a damn good job raising her children. She has raised her kids and we are doing well... well mostly, you cant count me. Im quote "self-destructive." My sister is grown and out living her life doing wonderfully. My bro is going to make some lucky lady a very good man, thanks to Ma! Me, I am the special kid. You know the black sheep, the one that can never get it right. I have put Ma through the 7 layers of hell these past eight years, its a wonder she is still here. She has always been there for me, to pick me up, dust me off, and point me in the right direction. I am proud to say that finally, some of the things she has tried teaching me over the years is sinking in. I say that because this go around, I did it myself! I could not have done it without her though, what she has taught me. I am sure she is sitting back on the side lines shaking her head waiting for my next screw up. She is like that you know, she never gives up, always there waiting and watching, she always seems to know. I think she did a great job with me, considering what she had to work with. I am damn proud of my mama! I used to tell everyone, I wouldnt be me without my mama, well now that statement is not entirely true. I am who I am today, a proud young woman, getting my life back on track, because of my mama, what she taught me. She taught me well. I swear God was just showing off when he made her. She is not only my mama, but my best friend. When everyone at school was talking about getting away from their parents I was talking about the cool shit me and my mama did the weekend. I guess what I am getting at is Ma, you can finally relax, your baby girl has finally figured out this life thing. I love you and I thank you for all those ass whoopings, all the preaching, all those things you ever told me. They are finally sinking in. I am going to make it Ma, I am SOMEBODY, and I will never forget that again. So Ma yea, you can totally stop fretting over me, I am going to be alright. You can sit back and relax for awhile. Dont worry, have faith... you did a damn good job with this one. I love you.

I have come to the conclusion that I was mind raped… and like any other rape victim, it wreaks havoc on your emotions. I was told some harsh things the other day that quite frankly screwed me up. As everyone knows the relationship between my husband and I is OVER. I have come to the realization that some people hold on to things because you think that’s what you deserve or that is all that is out there. You deprive yourself of what could be or should be. Keep closing doors even before they are even opened, missing doors because you are too blind to see them. You are too wrapped up in the moment, to consumed by emotion to stop and look. Under this rock here, I am learning. Things between us will never be. That simple. I am finally letting go. I wont lie, it has been hard, but I see now. The road to what we call happiness is definitely not an easy one, but hey you live and you learn. What I need right now is some serious me time. I need to be on my own, make peace with myself. I have issues I need to fix. I need something I have never had before in my life… silence. I need time to re-discover who I am and what I want out of life. I want to explore life, learn, live, love and experience life at it fullest, I can’t do that without fixing myself first. This last relationship has really screwed me good. I lost myself somewhere along the road, ima find her again, I know she is still in there somewhere, beneath a tattered shell of betray and bullshit. As of right now… I don’t want a relationship… with anyone. It just won’t be fair nor will it go anywhere because I am not me right now. I want me time, time to repair my soul and to do what I need to do to get right again. I am going to take on this journey by myself. ALONE! I am shedding my security and learning more about myself everyday. Okay so what if I am weak, I am getting stronger. So what if I aint got the body of a super model, I’m loosing weight and I’m healthy. Okay I have a bad attitude, deal with it or there’s the damn door. I am tired of putting on this little front of kindergarten teacher; smile just because everyone wants me to smile bullshit. If I’m mad ima scowl, if I’m happy ima, smile if I goofy you know what, ima act stupid, be be proud of it. Something my Ma taught me years ago, that I have forgotten, I am SOMEBODY! I can and will make it through this. I am finally getting up out of this pool of self pity. I am looking forward to the future. I know what the hell I want for once in my life and NOTHING or NO ONE is going to stand in my way. I am going toward that light with gusto. I don’t need anyone to hold my hand or prop me up anymore. I am not going to plan for anything anymore; I am taking one day at a time, one experience, one hurt, one love, one mistake, one lesson at a time. I will remain here under my rock in this silence until I am ready to come out. I will make that decision, ME and only ME. When I finally do emerge from the silence and self-repair from this rock… you better look out. I am going to stand with pride again. I am going to face each day with my hands balled in a fist ready to go, do u hear me, no more will I ever be knocked down into some sort of pitiful mush, by anyone. I am going to live and learn and be free. Right now I only ask for one thing… Dear lord, heavens above grant me this one request… Let it rain, let there come a down pour unlike any other, I need to be cleansed of this funk I have been draped in for so long.

I am sitting here in utter desperation, searching for the answers that will not come. Why do I hurt those I love so much? Am I really that selfish? Can I do nothing right? I do things continually and never stop and think of the price that has to be paid. I am grow weary of hurting people. I want to stay here under this cold rock, that way at least I know no one gets hurt. How do you let someone go that you love so much? Do you stop and think to yourself, I love him, so I am going to let go? Let him flourish and live his life, find someone who will be there for him, like you weren’t, find someone who will appreciate the little nothings. Let him discover what it feels like to not have to worry, to be able to trust, to feel what he made you feel. Do you just accept that failure and go on living your life in misery? How can you do that, after all, I always heard misery needs company. Why can’t we control what our heart wants and needs? Why do we always seem to screw up the great things in life with chaos and destruction? What do you do when you know in your heart that you should let time heal and if it is meant to be it will be, how do you wait? What do you do when the bed you lay in is cold and empty, and it’s all your fault? How do you fix a problem as grand as this? How do you show someone that you really love them with all you have? Is there a way to express such a thing? What do you do when you hit rock bottom, and can no longer see that light anymore? When you feel as though you don’t even want to find the light any longer because you know it will be without him. How do you walk away when you want to turn and embrace him? Make it all better, kiss away the pain that you caused, and be there because you know it is right… it just feels right. No one can make your knees weak with a simple kiss like he could. No one can make you laugh and smile like he could. Not a soul can touch your soul like he has yours. He was the love of your life, you were lucky enough to find young, how do you just let it slip away knowing it was your fault? There was a chance and you blew it. What do you do then? I sit here beneath this rock in utter desperation searching for these answers. Answers that I can not find, answers I frantically seek… There is so much running through my head right now it’s unbelievable. I want to fix this and yet, I can’t. What’s done is done. I don’t want to miss anything with him. I want to hold him close and listen to his heartbeat, the rhythm that was always in tune with mine. I want to kiss his lips and make it right. I want to see him smile again, and be happy, something he hasn’t been in quite some time. I want to be his light in the dark like he is mine, and yet I can’t and it s my fault. How do you cope with the thought that not only have you lost your love, you have lost your best friend too… and it was all your fault?

Well, today was one of those days that you hear everyone talk about. It started out a regular crappy day. Of course, I was still feeling bad over the "loosing the love of my life" thing. It was an average day, nothing exciting or dramatic happened. I was still slumped in a mess when a friend of mine got ahold of me. It was some of the things he was saying that opened my eyes. I had an epiphany. I am not going to let this pot-hole in the road ruin my life. I have my family, I have my friends and I have someone I met here while back that has taught me so much about myself, its unreal. I have learned that I am stronger then what I give myself credit for. I have learned that yea, happily ever afters aint real, but thats okay. Life is what you make of it. I am young, I have a beautiful healthy son, I keep hearing I am cute, What more could a girl want? Sure, I miss him, sure I still cry, sure, I am lonely, Sure it feels as though I am never going to find anyone out there for me... but you know what? I am strong, I am a trooper. I dont need anyone here by my side anymore. I am going to thrive alone... not just survive, but thrive! Dont get me wrong, its great having someone to come home to, somone to curl up in the bed with, someone to make earth shattering, passonate love with, but right now that's not important. What is important, is my son and me. I need to focus on me and my boy. He is my sunshine, he deserves me to be at the top of my game, not a miserable weeping mess. I need to sort out who I am and my needs before I even think about love and all that sappy mess that comes with it. Someone very wise told me today, Love is supposed to be easy Dolly, You aint supposed to turn cart wheels and contort in order for things to work out. If it is meant to be it will be. I dont know how true that is but hey, it sounds alot better then what I have been dealing with thus far. I am learning to take one day at at time, and stop sweating the small stuff. I could die tomorrow and would not be able to be at peace because there is so much I have left undone on this Godforsaken planet. I need to stop worrying about what I have lost and start to focus on what I have gained. I have self respect, pride, and independence. I can do this, I WILL do this. I DO NOT need someone anymore.

Stop and think for a second, the most primitave of goals in life are simple. Get a job, get a family, and live happily ever after, correct? No, that couldnt be further from the truth! "Happily ever after" is an illusion instilled in us when we are lil kids, which is cruel! You live your life in this ingnorant bliss of bull! Then, reality socks it to ya! He is sleeping with her, she is banging him, he turns out to be something completley diffrent then what he led on to be, she turns out to be a whore, there are endless possibilities!!! Another hopeless illusion is true unconditional love. Not real!!! There is always a condition, always something there to make the happiness you have within your grasp explode at your fingertips. It's quite disturbing really, something so simple yet so difficult. "There is someone out there for everyone." Yea right, what planet are you from? Here on earth its not the case. You spend your life searching for that one to "complete you" and when find him, either you're married or he is so why bother!!! If you are lucky enough to be single and him single, something comes along and ruins the whole damn thing anyway!!! Whether it be carnal pleasure, or something so small as a damn video game! I have come to the conclusion that love is for the blissfully ignorant. To you, I hope reality never finds you with its cruelity. For those of you that are like me, and know happiness is an illusion what the hell are we going to do about this new found sence of doom???