I am sitting here in utter desperation, searching for the answers that will not come. Why do I hurt those I love so much? Am I really that selfish? Can I do nothing right? I do things continually and never stop and think of the price that has to be paid. I am grow weary of hurting people. I want to stay here under this cold rock, that way at least I know no one gets hurt. How do you let someone go that you love so much? Do you stop and think to yourself, I love him, so I am going to let go? Let him flourish and live his life, find someone who will be there for him, like you weren’t, find someone who will appreciate the little nothings. Let him discover what it feels like to not have to worry, to be able to trust, to feel what he made you feel. Do you just accept that failure and go on living your life in misery? How can you do that, after all, I always heard misery needs company. Why can’t we control what our heart wants and needs? Why do we always seem to screw up the great things in life with chaos and destruction? What do you do when you know in your heart that you should let time heal and if it is meant to be it will be, how do you wait? What do you do when the bed you lay in is cold and empty, and it’s all your fault? How do you fix a problem as grand as this? How do you show someone that you really love them with all you have? Is there a way to express such a thing? What do you do when you hit rock bottom, and can no longer see that light anymore? When you feel as though you don’t even want to find the light any longer because you know it will be without him. How do you walk away when you want to turn and embrace him? Make it all better, kiss away the pain that you caused, and be there because you know it is right… it just feels right. No one can make your knees weak with a simple kiss like he could. No one can make you laugh and smile like he could. Not a soul can touch your soul like he has yours. He was the love of your life, you were lucky enough to find young, how do you just let it slip away knowing it was your fault? There was a chance and you blew it. What do you do then? I sit here beneath this rock in utter desperation searching for these answers. Answers that I can not find, answers I frantically seek…
There is so much running through my head right now it’s unbelievable. I want to fix this and yet, I can’t. What’s done is done. I don’t want to miss anything with him. I want to hold him close and listen to his heartbeat, the rhythm that was always in tune with mine. I want to kiss his lips and make it right. I want to see him smile again, and be happy, something he hasn’t been in quite some time. I want to be his light in the dark like he is mine, and yet I can’t and it s my fault. How do you cope with the thought that not only have you lost your love, you have lost your best friend too… and it was all your fault?
