Cause I'm not real, but what's real anymore? Truer words were never spoken.
I'm not real. I'm what you want me to be. Sure,I'll play nice. I'll listen, offer advice,make conversation. But I can assure you my heart isn't into it. Your talking to a well, a echo chamber of sorts. I'll say what you want me too.
Sometimes I think I don't have a heart. I think I've gotten to the point where I'm running strictly on auto pilot.
I care for nothing anymore. All my interests fall to the way side. A perfect example.Music.I love it.I have the gear to make it..I lack the intelligence and skill to do so. Believe me, I read the manuals,the faq's and it's lost on me. It's like giving the average joe a manual on physics. He can read it but retains or absorbs nothing. So I read it over and over and it's like reading something totally foregin. In other words, a total waste.
Sure I can blame my ADD,but that's a cop out. Some people aren't fabricated to do or create,just to consume.
So the stuff sits,collecting dust. Like my miriad of hobbies and interests.Doomed to the closet of "oh well I gave it a shot...".
Ever feel so utterly lost? Ever just want to run away but you can't? Then you know what I "feel". I feel yet i don't. I know a weird combination. I wish there was "press button to feel better" option...but alas there's not.
I want to be a in a relationship in the worst way but I know I have the reverse midas touch. What ever I touch turns to crap. Or runs away. I don't blame those who flee. I would too. I make for a horrible mate. I'm moody and frankly,massively depressed. Now if that doesn't scream winner what does?
In a few short days I'll be 43. My g-d , what have I done with my life? I can tell you..nothing. Not a blessed thing and I have myself to blame. I was always too scared to try. And when I did try I failed...miserably. Lesson learned? Don't try.
So yes, I'll make small talk, offer up a witty comment here and there. But that's it. I lack what you want. Emotion. Desire. Passion. Intelligence. Drive. Ambition. You see what you want to see...online. But I know myself. And look at it this way,I'm doing you a favor. Consider it a gift.
Do I wish for things to be different? Sure who wouldn't? But once again, some people are destined for greatness, others for mediocrity. I suppose when you have failure after failure, one becomes accustomed to it. To cut a long story short..I've lost my mind.
