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Goodness its been forever again since I wrote, or even been to Fubar at all. After the accident life changed. Up until that day, I was HOOKED and most of my life revolved around Fubar. I had fun with it, it was good clean sexy fun, and I had a lot of friends on here. I doubt any of them even stop by my page seeing as how its getting close to a year since I've really been active. Every few months I popped in, said I was back, clicked a few likes, putzed around and then went back to Facebook.
After the accident its like everything I loved in life took a back seat to all my fear, stress, depression, and everything else. I kinda feel like I lost a good portion of who I was that day. But lately I've been sort of...waking up. Feeling more like me again. At least wanting to be me again. I actually have a want to do the things I always did. I miss painting, writing, taking pics, and hanging out with my family.
Everyone in my family noticed that things changed after that day. I hated even having my nieces and nephews around me which was SO not like me at all. The normal (pre accident) me always had a camera in hand, getting the kids to do fun things for me while I snapped a million pictures. I used to do up my hair and make up and actually care what I looked like. I've let everything go this year! But I visited the kids a couple times this week and I didn't have the feeling like I wanted to leave right away. I feel awful that my mother and sisters had to tell them that they couldn't run up to me and hug me anymore...or even touch me whatsoever. I turned into the worst version of me.
I used to be close to my husband and BFF too and through this year I know I've distanced myself from them too without meaning to. I fight hard not to close myself in my room and speak to no one at times. PTSD really does a big number on ya, thats for sure. I've battled it before, because of Hubby's first accident where he almost died. But I never ever sunk to what I've dealt with this year!
But slowly I think I'm healing, but every single day I still wish I had been facing the other way...I wish I hadn't seen it. But somehow I think I'd still be suffering some PTSD as I think Hubby, my BFF, and her man probably do, and they did not see the truck. I did and I have been haunted by the memory of that instant I thought we all had died. And of the moments after. The sites, and sounds....ugh. And the physical scars and pain are a constant reminder.
But I am healing and I am feeling better, and I definitely value life and how fragile it truy is. I make decisions MUCH more carefully now, thats for sure! And I fight to make what time I have here, the best I can because you just cant get that time back.
On a different note, I think as soon as possible, Hubby and I are moving back to Maine. I need my BFF in my life, I dunno I am lost without her. And I have other family and friends there that I miss very much. I hate TN there aren't any natural lakes here! WTF. I miss the ocean, I grew up with water all around me, and there being 4 seasons. 4 very distinct seasons. Here in TN there is summer, summer. fallish winter. and summer. Ugh lol! I'm homesick and I think I just need to go home even though I'm torn between the 2 states. My mother, 3 sisters, and all my nieces and nephews are here. It will both make and break my heart to leave.
Wow my entry tonight is very ho hum and boring....even the title lol! I'm exhausted so I think thats it for tonight, I'll try for a happier entry next time!
