It's early morning, and I'm sitting here as I usually do, listening to the chickens, watching the shadows slip into sunlight in the wooded area outside my office window. This is my quiet time, that I use to do my thinking, and my household paperwork. Other times when I have been really sick, I just stay in bed, and snuggle up to Buddy, and we watch out the bedroom window as morning comes. He has made it his lil orange mission to see that I get all the kitty love I need. I am so grateful for his lil fat, warm presence....
Today as I sit here, I have such a mixed bag of emotions... there are many changes coming for me. Some so sad..... and some new adventures that I never dreamed were on their way. I'm hoping that I am able to handle it all.
I'm not sure if it's my age, and a hormone issue, but I cry alot lately. Sometimes with good reason, sometimes for no reason at all. I just seem to have a sadness in me that I cannot shake off, and I try not to stay mired down in self pity, but that isn't really it. I am just sad. Maybe thats part of growing up. At least I am not so jaded and bitter that I allow the things that have caused the sadness to make me hateful and miserable, I'm not that at all. Just sad.
In the last year, things have changed so rapidly, that I'm surprised I even know my name anymore, lol. Generally speaking I don't dream at night, and never have very much. Now I find myself waking in a panic because I am mixed up about where I am, in the dreams I live here in Texas, but am searching for places in Georgia, or vice versa, and the streets won't take me where I need to be...... those places are gone from me, for now anyway. Maybe I should put my address in my underwear like when you send kids to camp, lol.
I have learned more in the last year than any period in my life. I learned that you have to love people the right way, no matter if they love you back or not. I learned that sometimes people are just being the best human they are capable of being, and you have to just allow them to "be", but you can also choose to do that at a distance.
I learned that it's not wrong to help people just because they are ungrateful, and that it still gives me the right feeling whether they appreciate me or not. Most often they do not.
I believe that all people are sent into our path for a reason. They are part of our journey, and there is something important to be learned from each of them, even if it's hard to see at that moment.
I have learned that sometimes people you have loved and "been there" for will not only turn their back on you for no reason, but will be vicious and hurtful for their own agendas, and you may never know the real reason. You just have to pull up your big girl panties and move on..... and hope to make better choices about who you let close in the future. All of that is okay, as long as you LEARN SOMETHING!
I learned that it's not right to punish all people you encounter for the sins of a few, but being cautious, and learning from my mistakes is okay. It means I have grown and evolved, and can accept my own mistakes. That's a huge thing, and part of the growth process. It's also okay for me to care for and protect myself from people that would do me harm, I don't need anyones permission or approval about who I interact with.
There is much sadness to come in the weeks ahead, and big decisions. There is also going to be some happiness and comfort, and it's that part I look to with hopeful eyes. Things that before I would have believed impossible may actually be happening, and that's exciting, but if they don't pan out, the world isn't gonna end either.
Whoever you are, and whatever your beliefs, please say a prayer for me, or light a candle, or throw a coin in a wishing well..... whatever you do..... help me not be swallowed up by tears and a heavy heart.
Blessings from the bay.......
xoxox
Belle
