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jerry's blog: "Lost Serenity"

created on 08/17/2010  |  http://fubar.com/lost-serenity/b335345

Voids

Well Fubar it has been almost a year now since I shocked my system and as I am still recovering from all of that I have kind of worn myself down.Life isn't all bad now.However I am still living in an old system which caused me to break in the first place.I live in a place where I just can't find my place.Still having to deal with old systems that have me over a barrel.Although I have several close friends something is missing.Its the one piece that I have been looking for for a year now,companionship with a significant other..It was one of the main reasons I left my X in the first place.LONLINESS!!!For someone who is as outgoing as I am I just can't seem to put it together in that area of companionship although I deeply feel that if I could connect in that area everything else would fit.My biggest problem still is the fact that I don't really fit anywhere which makes filling in the blank spots difficult.I have 16 more months here and no I am not in prison or anything of the kind.Talking about where I live.Although I am looking forward to fully starting over in a place already designated I have to endure in a place I have come to hate more than you could possibly know.Right now I have to get ready for a block party and although there will be a lot of people there I will feel like I am all by myself.The mountains can't come soon enough and I just got back from there.Its where my new hopes and dreams are.I guess for now I will just have to throw myself into work.

Dear Jerry.You think by now you would have figured out by now that you are a cursed man.Or are you?Although you do many good things very well you always end up defeated.Why???What is it that you are missing or lacking?Is it the fact that you are the type of person who puts everyone you have let into your life before yourself,even to the point of taking the blame,the fall?Is it the fact that you sacrifice too much in the belief that if you do it will come back to you?You are called an enabler by several inwhich you allow others to take advantage of you.You see Jerry YOU feel that if YOU are or everybodies friend or if You have attributes that other people can draw from it makes YOU look good.YOU fit in.Why do you do that? Has it worked?Is it working?Where are you this morning?Sitting in front of your pc depressed.Actually if you pay a little more attention to YOU and who YOU are YOU wouldn't find yourself where YOU are right now.But see Jerry,in thinking about you I figured something out.YOU are an addict.You have lived the way you have for so long feeling that it will all work out that you don't know who YOU are.If anthing I can tell you here is that YOU are running out of time.The longer you wait the harder its going to be.As with any addiction the hardest part is admitting it.The second is the withdrawal effects.You are so mad at yourself that you fall back into it time and time again.If you don't stop it you will always be defeated.So why don't you today take and make the goal for yourself and take the time,being that you have wasted so much of it and begin to find out who YOU really are.Its not going to be easy,but YOU can do it.Stick with it and your life will turn out all the better.Love yourself first.Then YOU will be able to find what makes life worth living.Trust me!Cos at this point who else can you trust?                                                              Sincerely YOU!!!                                                                                                                                                  

Confusion

So I leave this site figuring that I had figured out what to do next only to find myself back here again.Please all of you dedicated Fubar-ites don't take this the wrong way this is a very good site.I just thought that I might have been going thru a phase.Although some area's of my life I feel have gotten better.The loneliness aspect has been amplified.I started going out again only to feel out of place.Did the online dating thing,only to come to the conclusion that it was a waste of money and time.So I find myself back at square one.Anybody got any idea's?

Gravity

Hi my space of white that will turn to black as soon as I post this.Its been awhile.I found that no matter who it is or what the conditions or environment,breaking away or escaping what holds you back from getting to the place where you belong can be and is difficult especially when you have to start at ground zero.So what keeps the ship of ones own personal life on the pad?Is it family?Is it friendships?Where you live?Or could it be complacency?Self doubt?Maybe its a combination of all of them.Maybe they are the cables that hold you in place,so to speak.I have found over the last several weeks,dealing with what's been holding me back that it comes a point in ones life where you have to decide if you are going to leave your life rocket on the pad or are you going to disconnect the cables of whats be holding you in place and finally launch yourself to the destination that you have seen in your soul and spirit.For me I have finally chosen the latter.The ignition of put away hopes and dreams have begun to fire up the inner system,the hard drive.Everything has checked out to be ready for the push to break free to the chosen course of my true belonging.To resist ones true destiny is futile and will ultimately lead to regret and failure.However no one can reach the coordinates of destiny without a devoted crew and if you launch at the wrong time you will will miss where you set yourself to be or you will come crashing down in the grip of the gravitational pull that is restricting you.The crew are those who have taken the time to listen and support your flight plan to where you need to go and be.It takes combinations.We have discussed that before.If there is any advise I can give to anyone regardless of what your situation is,if you don't correct or want to correct whats holding you on the pad you will never break free of the gravity that holds you back. Peace to you all and be safe!

Puzzled

First of all I would like to thank all my friends and family for continuing to show me love although I have not been on here in the capacity I would have liked over the past few days.However,I still don't understand why someone would just send drinks and not write anything in reply.I don't quite understand the purpose of it all.Is it the fact that there are a lot of guys hitting on you all,being that over 90% of my friends and family here are women? I guess there may be a lot of dogs on here but I would ask not to be lumped into that category.I do understand that after some of you read this you might say"up yours dude,who do you think you are?"Well, I am a person searching and reasoning to the purpose of it all.I write to everyone who sends me drinks and all they do is send more drinks.I hope that you all are not thinking I am trying to pick you up.I am not going to say that there are a couple of you I would really like to get to know.However,I am a realist and know that I don't stack up to most of the guys that may really interest you anyway.Visual perception is one thing in which I am guilty of myself.Internal perception is something of a different reality.I really feel I don't fit here.As I said before I feel I don't fit anywhere.Just very adaptable.Comes from growing up street I guess.To tell you the truth I am in no position to even take on that direction of actually trying to strike something up on a more personal level due to the fact that I am very damaged right now inside myself.My confidence is at an all time low as well as my self esteem is affected too.Having a shy complex doesn't help either.I hope in time I can gain it back because I hate being alone.It's my prison for right now until I get bailed out or to the point that I don't care anymore and except my sentence in this life.I still have a little fight left so I will see what happens.So for right now I will continue to PLAY THE GAME until I get bored with it.In the mean time,love on me and I will love you back.

Combinations

Hello my space of white that will turn black after I complete this.Its been awhile.So for those who happen to stumble across this let me say before I get started.THIS IS MY ROOM.THIS IS WHERE I GET IT OUT!!!So if you don't like what I write,you know how to click.This weekend I had a show to do.I actually had two back to back weekends of shows which were very draining especially when its hot.I deal with thousands of people during the course of six months and the season is almost finally over.I am very tired and burned out and with a very recent separation after twenty three years,the mountains next month can't come soon enough.This past weekends show was stressful and when it was over it got me thinking on the subject of combinations.Combinations of things,people.Especially people.Being that I have alot of reflection time on my hands now I am looking at people I have let in and out of my life.By nature I am a very deep loving,caring person who will always lend a helping hand without asking for something in return.Good guys finish last syndrome is what I call it.I also am very careful of how I treat and effect others.Which I am finally(smack me up side the head!!!)noticing most people today don't do.I have put a lot of thought into the two people who are having the biggest effect on me right now.My soon to be X and my business partner.The one,after so much time who can only say."If I only knew how bad I was hurting you."The other is plotting to take over my business behind my back.If he only knew who he's trying to fool.I had someone tell me long ago when I was learning to become a machinist to always come across as dumb as possible.That way you won't be taken advantage of.Well I am finding that shit don't work!!! I am finally seeing that thru those combinations of interactive relationships is where my failures have come from.I have hidden my true intelligence for too long and am now dealing with it all.Patients has also been my curse.Why is it a person can't see when they are having a negative effect on someone else?That baffles the hell out of me.Like for instance,what in the hell is the DISLIKE button on here for?If you don't like someone for who they are or what they do just pass them by.That's all.Why make it public.Why try to make someone feel bad.Fubar,take that crap off!!!I came here because of the positive effect of this site.Now everytime I want to send a drink or a gift to one of my friends or family on here.And I love all my Family on here.You guys are great!!!I have got to look at a blood red button that I feel is nasty to say the least.I am not sorry I went on a tanget just now.You know what? I lied.There is a third person who is having a huge effect on me.I call her my Quickening Angel.I will always miss her.Thank you for setting me off in the true direction.In conclusion all I can say is the people you let in your life will determine how you end up.Pay attention to your COMBINATIONS!!!

Concerned???

Today I woke up as I always do.However I don't feel right today.I am losing circulation in my left hand and have gotten lightheaded once.I thought I was dealing with things fine,but maybe not.Wear and tear on the heart and mind may be fatal on the body I guess.I am wondering if I waited to long.I am afraid to go to the doctor.I don't want hear what they might have to say.I have always had the ability to heal myself without medicines or doctors except when I broke my ankle.I had no choice but to get six screws and a plate to hold it together.That was three years ago.Even then I proved them wrong.They said I would have a limp and never run again.With internal thought and will I was able to heal faster than expected.Now I can walk and run like I always did before.All with no pain except when I was rehabbing it.I came up with my own system and it worked.I hope I haven't worn myself down to where I don't have the fight to heal myself physically and mentally.This is what happens when you put everybody else ahead of yourself.You end up last!!!What a lesson.My question is,was it worth it???Everybody has their battles on whatever level.How much energy you have will determine if you win the wars that life can throw at you.I am hoping I am not fatiging at the wrong time.If so I am in deep trouble.

The River

Today I am in one of my low moods.Actually it is the only time I write.It came on last night,out of the blue.I wish I could stop these swings.I don't like them.With all of the events that have happened during this summer I am trying my hardest not to revert to what I was in my earlier life.The best analogy I can give here is the movie Unforgiven.So right now I am listening to Evanesence.Amy's voice brings me peace to my unsettled spirit.It's all about vibration I guess.Last night when I felt this mood coming on I went to the river.The York River.I would always go there whenever I start questioning my life.It is beautiful especially at night when the moon is over top or setting.The best part about that is where I am living now all I have to do is is walk outside and I am there.I have a bench that sits about five feet from about a twenty-five foot straight drop down to the beach.I stood at the very edge looking at the waves twinkling in the moonlight along with a very strong southeast wind.Then I closed my eyes and the thoughts came.Thoughts that I had long ago when I was confused and trying to find my direction.Well I guess I am at that place again.My problem is I really don't fit anywhere,although I have the gift to adjust to anywhere.If someone takes a look at my profile on here,what I look like is not me and I feel like I am in a prison at times.I have fought this demon all my life.So now I am questioning myself again.So as I stood at the edge of the dropoff taking in the thoughts and energy of the environment,I saw my boys.Then the river spoke,as it always does.It said,take in all the power you are feeling and believe.                                                                                                                                                                                            

PHASE TWO

Today is one of those days where I came on here to do what I need to do to level up,but its just not in me right now.Someone on here that I like posted a statement on here that made me think of a young woman who really changed my world.The statement was If you love someone and set them free....if they come back they are yours.....if you have to stalk them then its not meant to be.I don't know who reads these but I am going to tell you why I have made this my escape hatch for now.This young woman I am talking about was fourteen when I met her.I was forty-two.We worked together in a business that I own now.At first we were just friends but as she got older we became a lot closer to where we were confiding with each other about our problems as well as some deep personal things.So we grew closer still.She knew about my marital problems and would encourage me to look within myself and change the things what were making me unhappy.One day after coming back from the mountains I asked her would she meet me for lunch,I needed to talk to her.It was then I expressed my deep feelings to her.She already knew but I had to say them or I would end up regretting it later in life.We both agreed that it was not the right time and space to be together with me still being married and she getting ready for college.I guess at this point you may be thinking that we were having sex.If so you are wrong.Although we both wanted to on several occasions we knew it would be wrong.My heart wouldn't let me for I have a great respect for her.We also knew that the time was coming where there would be a separation that would naturally have to have to occur between us.And it did.Age is just a number to me right now at least while I am in the shape I'm in.However I am not foolish.I am running out of time here.She met someone more her age and we talked about it.Her happiness is most important to me whether she was with me or someone else.So the day came where I said I loved her and always will and set her free.It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do for it was the first time I had truly feel in love with someone.You may be wondering here how I could be married for as long as I have and not truly love the person you are with?All I can say here is that it came about through circumstances and not love and it was a relationship that I thought in time would work out for the best.As I said before I am overly loyal and too patient.I call them curses because they have caused me great pain and many set backs in my life.Always thinking of the other person first I guess you could say.Well......she changed all of that the day I let her go.She in a subliminal way got me to wake up to the fact that I need to work on my happiness instead of using myself up for everybody else.She is the only one that ever got all the way in.I miss her terribly.However I haven't contacted her but once since that day.It was short,just to say thanks for the drive and for waking me up to make the changes I am in the process of making now.There is a great gulf fixed between us now.I can see her light on the horizon but I am in very stormy seas and will have to ride it out.I still have a lot of fight left so I am not going to let my ship sink.I am preparing for phase two now.A trip to the mountains in November for two weeks this time,not one.When I come back I am going to make some big changes that will surprise a lot of people.If anything she taught me how to fight for myself and the only way I can ever thank her is to overcome and make it.Fate will be what it will be.I do know that I can't waste time dwelling on the what might have beens. 

FUBAR!!!

Today was one of those days that started off good and then ended on a sour note.Its been quite a change from last month to now.Starting over from scratch to build a new life is proving to be a challenge due to the fact that while working on the new you have to still deal with the old.At the end of the day I often time am thinking of what adjustments I need to make to continue on my new journey.However past decisions are proving to be a drag.Whether it be a relationship dealing with the x or a dipshit business partner.I do understand that there are people dealing with more than what my situation may be.So I must solder on not only to prove to myself but also anyone else that I can overcome.Over the past couple of months FUBAR has become an intricate part of moving forward for me.I was a little reluctant to put myself out there on this site but I needed an escape from all the crap.I am becoming comfortable on here to the point I can open up to keep from going crazy and meet great people in the process.I want to say here that I really like this site and all the fun things you can do here.Its kind of strange,you can rate,fan,become friends with or let people become part of your family which in my case is hard to get into.So whether you like me or not I can always pick and chose who I find to be someone I might or you might click with.No pun intended.Just the opportunity of interacting with people you may never meet in person and sharing who you are and what you are about has an appeal to it that I like.So after an evening filled with a bunch of bullshit drama its nice to come into my new living quarters cut on my pc and see the few people on here who take the time to buy me a drink,rate me or send a chat message really takes the edge off.I am really shy at times and really don't know how to approach people.I am growing here and I hope that I meet the one I feel I can achieve a fulfilled and happy life with here as well as meet great new friends in the process.So thank everyone who is involved in making this site what it is.Thank you for keeping me up when I feel down.Love is here!!!

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