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Iron Butterfly's blog: "Life"

created on 11/27/2006  |  http://fubar.com/life/b28773

Fucked up

tuesday night my daughter was hollerin for her dad so i called and asked him if he wanted her he said yes so i took her over there.

well he calls and said i forgot her shoes can he go get them at moms or me bring them to him i said to go get them

i go to get her and he wouldnt let me have her said the magistrate said i was neglecting my child.

pulled her from me when i went to hug her so i went up to the magistrates office and they gave me temp custody and a protective order against him til we go in from of the family law master and he only has set visitation til then. He's not alowed to contact me in any shape or form or be anywhere near me. He has to go through my parents to pick up my daughter.2 counties went up with me to get her.

How in the HELL can i be neglecting my child?? She went over in a footed sleeper. He has shoes for her at the house. He says I'm not spending enough time with her on my days off or i'm at work etc. HELL AT LEAST I WORK. And then he says well I aint gonna be the babysitter so she can go party and whore around. Well dont you think that when he has her what I do in my spare time is none of his business???????? I'm not subjecting my daughter to anything wrong at all. I provide for her, I take care of her, she is safe even when I'm at work because she is with my mother.

Lovin Life

Well I'm back online. My net got turned on today :) I miss y'all!!!!!!!!!!!! And u know what, I'm loving every minute of it!!!!!! In fact I'm gonna go out tonight and celebrate my upcoming freedom from marraige :)

Quick Update

I'll be offline til the 9th of November when my internet gets turned back on at my mom's. I no longer live with him. I completely left and the papers for divorce will be filed on wednesday. I hate that it came down to this. I do care about him, always will. Come on I spent 6 years with him and we have a child together. But I dont' love him anymore and its not fair to either of us or our daughter for either one of us to be miserable. Or as my brother put it, he's miserable without me, I'm miserable with him. lol. thats just not gonna work. Things will be better this way. Just gonna take time and patience with my daughter. She's going to be so confused and I hope she doesnt grow to hate or resent me for this decision because its going to be so hard on her.

See y'all on the 9th

Unbelievable......

Can you actualy believe he wanted me to have sex with him last night. I was like NO. He's like well why not what do you expect me to do? I was like well go find yourself someone or use your hand. He tried to kiss me and I was like " I Knew it was a bad idea to stay here" and he stormed off. Later he comes in and wakes me up and said " i 'm sorry i tried to kiss you it wont happen again I feel really bad for doing it". I'm like just leave me alone.

I'm going up today to get my divorce packet. My best friend is going to help me fill it out. I did one when divorcing my ex 7 years ago, but the dang things have changed and Shell will be there for support too while I fill it out. Shell has stayed by me even when he would be so damn nasty to her I would stay away to keep from him trying to hurt her feelings or anything else. She has stayed by me. I love Shell to death and I can truely say that even though she and I have only been friends for 8 years, she has been the bestest friend in the world. Even more so than my so called best friend of 21 years (btw, she is no where to be found...hasnt been in a few years other than a , oh hey how are you when I see her where she works at). Even though she tried to tell me I was making a mistake marrying him in the first place, she still stuck by me and has always told me when I was tired of the B.S. she'd still be right there for me. Thanks Shell I love you and you don't know how much your friendship means to me ( I know I'm saying this here and she doesnt come on Fubar, but I still want the world to know how good of a friend she really is and how big a heart she has.)

On a sad note though, I lost one of my grandmas to a 6 year battle with bone cancer yesterday afternoon at 2:45. I love you grandma and you're in a much better place than the rest of us dealing with this bullshit world. You're on the home stretch now Grandma!!!! I Love you, & See you soon!!!

OK. He asked me to stay for our daughter til christmas. that much i agreed on but i informed him I was not putting on my ring, i am not taking orders, or answering to him for anything I do. I come and goes as I please and do what/who ever I want and I was still leaving after christmas in fact the divorce papers would be filed before then.I only kept a few clothes and my computer here at the house, the rest is at my mothers so I can just go. I wrote it down, he signed it and I put it in my dad's lock box today. FREEDOM IS AWESOME BABY!!!!
LOL get this shit. Yesterday I was being exceptionally nasty just for the heck of it. I figure if I do it bad enough he'll just tell me leave and then I don't have to take my sweet time cause of the holidays. Well he looks at me says "Do you love me?" I said "NO". He said "look at me, Do you love me", and I said "NO" then he says look me in the eye, do you love me? I told him I SAID NO. Then he starts talkin bout the blazer I bought yesterday Is that fucked up or what?

How can he be so frigging stupid....oh and he said "why are you losin weight for, I never see you turn down food now u do. Whats goin on." I'm like uh hey dumbass i need to lose the weight, or did u forget u were calling me lard ass 2 weeks ago? Now I've lost 10 pounds and u r complaining? I can't win for losing. ooh and lets see, I'm a horrible mother because I worked all last night, and I came home to sleep. Yes its my night off tonight, but I still was very tired. I didnt come right in and play with my daughter at 7:30 this morning, I laid down. So I'm horrid, no good, and lazy cause I didnt clean house this morning too. WTF!!

He was goin up on the hill few minutes ago and says "i love you" then got pissed when I wouldnt answer him. Or when he was talkin bout his tree stand i ignored him and watched scooby doo. ITS NOT THERE FUCK NUT!!!! Is what I want to scream at him. He just doesnt fuckign get it!

Friggin Assholes

Heh the mother fucker lied to me. I should expet anything less? I'm so fucking pissed. He lied to me! Told me he was going to work under the table for his buddy today for $100. Brings home $22 and is drunker than hell. They'd been drinkin since 9am!!!!! Just proves how much I do really need to get away from him. I dont care about drinkin, i do it here and there myself...but dont fuckin lie to me and tell me you are going to be working all day, keep me up with our daughter so that I only grab maybe 3 hours sleep and have to function on a 12 hour shift like that.

I think he is starting to suspect something isnt right. I took some more of my stuff to mom's. He comes in,looks around and is like...what happend to all the clothes on the dresser? I was like Well considering they are summer clothes, I took em to moms to store in the attic, I'm not putting them under the house. He was like, well anyother time u wouldnt have done that, so why now? LOL I just answered "cause i felt like it"

All he has done since he got home from his buddy's is fight with me, or at least try to when I refuse to acknowledge he's said a word to me.... Now I just gotta continue building the strength and courage needed to get out.

Feeling Trapped...........

OK newest in my "Feeling Trapped" Saga as I've now dubbed it.

I started movin bits and pieces of my stuff to my moms attic. Stuff that wont be so noticable at first because its stuff i had stored under the house. But its a start. I'm tryin to hold off til after christmas because it is the holiday season. Dunno if I'm gonna make it that long bein in the same house with him though. He's driving me crazy!

I friggin hate him. I know you're not supposed to hate people. But he is one person I can say i truely hate.

Feeling Trapped.....

I feel so damned trapped anymore. I don't love my husband. I haven't for a long time. I figured that out while I was still pregnant for our daughter and he was like " i want a paternity test". I hadnt ever cheated on him when he asked that. I hadnt even thought of it, but still knew I didnt love him but stayed for our daughter. Thats why I have stayed. Thats why when I've left I came back because she was screaming for her dad.

but he's manipulative, possessive, controlling, jealous. Hell I cant even go 1 day without him saying "so who'd u fuck at work today". Until a recently (he still doesnt know) I had never cheated on him. But I finaly did it. Hell I'm tired of feeling like a dead fish on the bed. He doesnt do it for me. Hasnt for at least almost 4 years. And I know now because it didnt bother me or make me feel guilty that I dont love him and I want out. But yet I still friggin feel trapped.

and on the possessive/jealous stuff. Get this. we went out 2 weekends ago. A guy I knew from the bar we went to (my old hang out) and his buddy were up by the bar when i went to get butthead a beer and me a pop (I was the DD..as always). When I went to go back to the table, my friend and his buddy were like " dont let her through" and laughing and said "We're just fuckin with ya " and all and I laughed went back to the table. Hubby was about to go after them and his buddy had to pull him back down in his seat. I was asked who that guy was, how many times had I fucked him and same with the other one. After that if I would look around he'd get pissed and accuse me of lookin at the guys again. I had to practicaly sit and stare at the table to avoid a fight!!! Plus he swears up and down I want to screw his buddies.

After 6 years of being with him, 5 bein married to him I'm tired of it. I amd So TIRED of being treated like a piece of no good garbage. Yeah my recent indescretion does not make me the best person, but he's 10 times worse than me. If he was such a caring loving individual I would never have wanted someone else right? I just wish I could get out of this feeling of being trapped and get the hell away. I know I can go to my parents temporarily til I can get my own place. Not my favorite place bein i'm used to bein on myown, but I know i could til i could be out on my own with my daughter.

maybe its the fact that i know the past stuff he has pull and he's crazy enough to give me a fight over my daughter. Scares me knowing , especialy from ppl who know him, what he's capable of. I know there are things as restraining orders and such, but it also aggravates me knowing how much I'll hurt my daughter too who's use to seeing her daddy 24/7. He watches her while i work, she acts like him and mimics everything he does. If he's rubbing snuff, she acts like she is too,etc. Daddy's sidekick. And I still want him to see her, but I'm scared of hurting/damaging her with a break up with him, but at the same time scared of hurting/damaging her by staying.

UGH So friggin confused on what to do and when to do it. I hate to do it now with it bein so close to Christmas..so I'm tryin to get pass that.....Just scared and for some reason feeling trapped..........ugh! I hate life...why cant it be easier to make decisions?

my status msg

anyone ever pay attention to my status msg??? LOL its been the same for 3 days and *sniffles* no one has paid attention. I'm not loved anymore *sniffles * no one wants to FU Marry me *cries* lol :D
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