I just don't understand life sometimes. I mean one day life is good, the next day I want to explode. Some days I want to do nothing but go home and get a beer, others I want to do anything but go home.
There are those days where I love what I am doing, and others where I don't know why I do what I do. There are days where I love the Army, and days where I blame the Army for everything rotten that has happened to me over the past almost 10 years.
Now don't get me wrong, I love life. I love what I do in the Army. I just don't understand anymore how I am supposed to have a normal life. I have no say in my life anymore. How am I supposed to have a normal life in the Army?
Let me explain where I am coming from on this a bit. Let's take two weekends ago for an example. I was supposed to have Friday, Saturday, Sunday and Monday off. I put in my mileage pass to go to my dad's house for the weekend. I was getting up and around, the phone rang. I had to go into work for a meeting on Friday morning. I stated: I am on pass. They told me they could revoke my pass. So I went in, and it was basically me and two other NCOs, and it was a 2 hour bitch session.
Then there is this past week. I am in a class. Hazardous Materials Certifiers course. Basically learn to fill out the paperwork to ship HAZMAT. My duties are for me to go to class, and pass the class. Nothing more. I don't do PT. I show up for formation, and that is it. I go to class, go home, study and then go back the next day. I got a phone call, which I could not accept and called back. I had to go into work after class. No big deal, except for me to get what they wanted, I needed someone who was in the field to come out and get the paperwork for me to get what they wanted (A list of parts on hand, what we have used, and what the Battalion needs as spares for the new equipment.)
Well, the person in the field couldn't come out because the leadership would not approve his movement request, so over the course of about 15 phone calls, I dug out what was needed, but didn't get home until almost 7 PM. Oh yeah, and I got my butt chewed for being at work after 5:00 PM when a high ranking Command Sergeant Major who outranks my CSM came through and saw the lights on.
Then there is something that I have come to realize over the last few days. I have no real life. Yeah, I have some acquaintances, and I have a few people I talk to, but I have no one to really talk to. I don't have any real friends. I got close to a couple, but hell they have already moved. I have some stuff I need to talk to someone about, but there never seems to be anyone around that I trust.
For the first time in Texas, I am feeling alone. I am feeling like I have no one to turn to. Yeah there are the guys at work, but I can't turn to them because of an antiquated rank system. I can't turn to those who outrank me, and the only people in my company with the same rank as me I wouldn't trust with a phone number let alone the stuff I need to talk to someone about.
It just seems like everything is adding up on me. I miss my kids. I miss my friends. I miss having someone there who I can talk to. I actually miss being in Kuwait because with few exceptions, there was always someone there. The divorce is adding to it. I just don't know much anymore.
Oh and to add to it, my mom won't answer my phone calls. I am feeling old, cold, and isolated. I just don't understand things anymore. If I was deployed, it would be easy to understand things. I can blow most of it off to being deployed. I could blow it off to being in the desert, I could say it will be better when I get back. I could feel like what I was doing had meaning. Here, I feel like my life has no meaning. I feel like I am occupying space, marking time.
Maybe I just need to get a good night's sleep. Maybe I just need to get drunk. Maybe I need to get away from everything for a weekend, get drunk, get loud, and just shut the entire fricking world out. See if I can find myself. Maybe I need to go and buy a gun, go find a place to kill some beer cans. I just don't know anything anymore.
Maybe I need to find someone to fill the cold and lonely nights where the walls seem to be closing in on me. Maybe I just need someone I can talk to. Really talk to without any reservations.
