MisUnderstood's blog: "Letters To:......"

Dear Cookie Monster, Recently I wrote a letter to your aquaintance Big Bird, Voicing my concern about his suspicious activites involving a certain 'friend' of his. Today im writing to you to voice some concerns that myself and your friends on Sesame Street have about you. Its time to wake up Cookie and recognize that you have a problem. Cookies have consumed you my furry blue friend. All you talk about is cookies. How many you have, when you can get more, what kind they are, how big or small. We are worried about you Cookie, you seem to prowl around Sesame street looking for your next fix, the kids on the street are afraid to carry their Oreos or chocolate chip cookies on them, in the fear that you might jump them on the street. The final straw was last week when there was a robbery at Hoopers store and on site they found a scruff of blue fur. We know it was you Cookie, The surveillance cameras caught you as you picked up your bad of money and ran out the back door. Then last night, Maria was on her way home from the fix it shop and saw you in the back alley on your knees blowing that Keelbler Elf while he held that box of cookies over your head. His grunts echoing up and down the alley while he taunted you, She said she would never forget the words he spoke to you..."Thats it Cookie Monster, take all that big hard Keelber cock and you'll get your cookies....Do a good job and you'll get your reward you little blue bitch." She was mortified Cookie to learn the depths of your depravity, To see just what you would do for your next cookie score. This has gone too far Cookie, your friends are really concerned about you. We can tell when you are high because of your eyes Cookie, they no longer stare straight ahead, and often they are glassy and unfocused when your on one of your cookie 'trips'. And this has been the norm lately. They dont want to find you dead one day, your cute furry little blue face submerged in a puddle of cookie vomit. First you have to admit you have a problem Cookie...First you have to admit you need help. Please Cookie Monster, for the love of god, Before its too late! Signed, Christina and your worried friends from Sesame Street

Dear Big Bird, I am writing this letter cause after today I simply cannot hold my tongue any longer. You, my feathered friend, are an asshole. You flit around sesame street like you own the place. Waving your big ass tail feathers in every one else's face. I am not only writing this for myself but for others on Sesame street. Ernie and Bert are pretty pissed at you, Elmo wants to put a cap in your ass for being so deceptive and Cookie and Grover are going to take turns beating you into a big feathery pulp if they dont get answers soon. For years, growing up, I thought you were dillusional, a big yellow bird on medication or just some hippie on acid, tripping out in a big ass yellow feather suit as you regailed with your stories of the Snufflupagus, only to find out that he was indeed a real person and not just a figment of your imagination. You lied to us Big Bird!! LIED!!...you could have taken us to see Snuffy's house, to meet his parents, made him stay that few moments longer to finally introduce us... but NOOOO.... apparently we werent good enought for you to soil your friendship with Snuffy to allow him to meet us. It has dawned on me recently Big Bird that you might be gay and Snuffy is infact your lover. That this might be the reason why you wouldnt let us meet him for all those years. Maybe, for fear of rejection, maybe you havent 'come out' to your big yellow parents. I bet the two of you spent more than one night engaged in base and kinky sex acts, possibly full blown orgys and swapping with Bert and Ernie (Sorry guys but I think you really dig that kinky stuff). I dont fault them cause at least they are honest about their feeling for one another and didnt hide behind some bullshit story. I really dont know the logistics of your relationship with Snuffy and infact the thought of the two of you like that makes me sick *shudders* Now if i am wrong and you and the Snuffleupagus are not gay lovers, then there is only one other answer I can come up with surrouding this veil of secrecy you kept up all those years and that is: Snuffy is a communist and you were trying to protect him or even worse, in kahoots with him. That would make you a communist sympathizer. Oh my god you big yellow bastard! Thats it isnt it Big Bird? Was Snuffy somehow involved in Cold War maneuvers? Was your nest actaully a radio beacon for the KGB? Were you selling government secrets right under the blind eyes of all of Sesame Street? Did Bob know? What about Maria and Gordon? Was Kermit silenced and thats why we dont see him on the street anymore? And what that song was really about? "All the people in your neighbourhood" I bet it was code and meant something else entirly. Maybe decoded it was the plans for the Pentagon? or possibly the codes to launch our missles? Its time for you to come clean Big Bird. Clear your head, admit to your indiscressions and maybe you'll be able to live out your life without this doubt surrouding you. Sincerly, Christina

Dear Barbie, I've been holding off on writing this letter well because frankly you were one of my childhood icons. We met when I was at the tender age of 6 and from then until I turned 13 I never looked back. I spent many hours with you Barbie, combing your pretty long blonde hair, changing you into many different outfits that I had collected just for you, a few my mom had even made to fit your perfect little plastic body. I took you everywhere with me, I even tried to keep things interesting for you by occationally cutting and coloring your hair, drawing and sticking on small pieces of body art, even getting big huge plastic diamonds to adorn your perfect little rubber ears. Looking back now I see what a fool I was. You used me Barbie, USED me to further your own selfish means. You never actaully liked me, I know now that flawless smile on your beautiful face was painted on. You always wanted more Barbie...more more more...Campervans, fur coats, spa baths, pink convertables, dream homes... What about me Barbie? You think I didnt want any of these things? And lets talk about Ken, I mean come on Barbie girl...he was HOT! Always perfect blond hair, tight ripped bod, we all know what his plastic crotch hump suggested as far as an endowment, and did you notice the size of his hands?...you were one lucky little bitch. But where you happy with his home-grown vanillla ways? Was his unique form of hump bumping good enough for you? Hell no...not you Barbie....you cheap little slut. Dont think that we dont know what happened on the night you met GI Joe. What seeing him in his uniform did to you. That dark hair, those dark eyes. yes Joe was sexy as hell, and i'd be a liar if i said that the uniform didnt turn me on too. I felt so bad for poor Ken on that night he walked in on you. Seeing you naked on the bed, clothes pegs fastened on the tips of your unrealistically large breasts. Joe slamming his plastic love tool into you from behind, spanking your prefect little plastic ass, calling you his "Dirty little plastic cock whore" (hope this an accurate account of that senario Moretti...LOL) Ken was shattered Barbie, a shell of his former fun loving and hot self. I was really pissed at you Barbie. It was then I decided you needed a drastic new look , and I shaved your head, colored what was left pea green and gave you a Charlie Manson forehead tattoo. Then when freaky Joe left you for being so nasty and fugly, you went running back into Kens arms. I told him not to take you back, but he stupidly did. After you and Ken seemed to work everything out, you asked me for a girl friend, someone like you, that you could talk to and trade clothes with. I didnt see the harm in it so I went out and got you one. Her name was Dee Dee. Soon Dee Dee and you seemed just a little TOO close, and then it happened again. Ken came home one night after work to find you and her 69ing, lapping at eachothers hot plastic humps in the middle of the living room floor. Only this time, Ken had the last laugh. He sat back and watched you both, his hump getting humpier with each passing minute. Then he alerted you to his presence and it all ended up with him doing Dee Dee hard and fast right there in front of you, not even glancing your way as he did things to her that you've always wanted him to do to you. We laughed at you later Barbie. Laughed our mother fuckin' asses off. When I turned 13 I was ready to retire you Barbie. I was tired of your lying and cheating and manipulating. Your fake plastic smile had worn off, Your once pretty wardrobe was worn and outdated. Your hair was still kinda green and too short to brush or style. Your plastic boobs had started to sag. And not even Dee Dee would touch you anymore, mostly cause she was busy with hers and Kens daughter Skipper. Yes, they told everyone it was your sister, but we knew the truth didnt we Barbie? I packed you up and shipped you off to come other unsuspecting little girl, I almost feel bad about that Barbie, but im hoping you will recognize that you have another chance. Dont fuck this one up! So in closing, Id like to say that even though I hope you rot in hell you lying, cheating, skanky little plastic whore...I do have a few fond memories of our time together. Sincerly, Christina PS...recently they have come out with many different versions of you Barbie...maybe if I had had these to choose from as a girl...things would have turned out differently for us.

Dear Pacman, Hello again you little yellow bastard! I spent most of my free time this weekend trying to get your lazy ass around the mazes, trying to get you to eat all those little yellow dots. Yes...apparently they now make you to be played on my Sony Playstation. I was estatic to say the least when I found you in Best Buy. You simply had to come home with me to reminisse about those good memories that we used to share. But after all these years...of me missing you...did you embace me warmly? did you listen to my direction? did you eat them all those communist little dots? NO! I first met you many years ago, when I was a teenager. I was amazed by your speed, by your enthusiasm and of course by your appitite. I had thought that this reunion would be a better one, that this time you would eat them all...let us travel on to bigger and better things...higher mazes and faster speeds, but I was grossly mistaken. I used to joke that you got high before each and every game...blasted a big fatty like I did back then and that the travels around the mazes eathing pellets were actually you on the eternal quest for munchies. You had your pellets and I had my ketchup chips and Reeses Peanut butter Cups. Hmmm....looking back now...It almost makes sense! Or is it that those slightly larger, flashing pellets are actually acid? OMG!...they are pure LSD arent they Pac Man? thats why you see all those ghosts! Thats why they turn blue and start to run from you...its all one big acid induced hallucination! I think the real trouble started when you met that cheap little whore Ms. Pac Man. She teased you for quite a while before she gave in didnt she Pac Man? Always with the promise of getting some Pac booty but it was many years before she finally gave in and gifted you with her Pac virginity wasnt it? We could tell...for those few years you seemed even more stressed that usual. You actually ran to the ghosts instead of away from them. Or was it that fuzzy orange freak Q-Bert? Did that night you spent with him in Wonderboy's cave change you forever Pac Man? Did he force himself on you? Anally Q-rape you? I dont know what happened...but after he started hanging around...we never saw you as much. I had hoped that after waiting all this time to play with you again that things would have changed...that just once you would let me eat all the dots...share your fruit salad with you...drop pellet acid and eat those ghosts that forever haunt you...but no...you're still as selfish as you ever where. I hear that mocking death noise in my sleep now Pac Man *wuh wuh wuh...pfffft* I think that I will put you back in your case and put you up on the shelf. Maybe another few years of my absence will make you kinder towards me. Maybe next time we reunite you will be more accomodating towards my goals...or maybe ill try hanging out with your girlfriend for a while...see if SHE likes to eat everthing on her screen..and see how she likes to be played with! In closing Pac Man... I Just have to say that I had very high hopes of you again...even this many years later...and even though you have totally dissed me...I still love you Pac Man...and I always will! Forever Your Friend, Christina xox This chick is my great friend...

Dear Barney, Listen here you sick purple fucker, Im not beating around the bush with this letter and you better pay the fuck attention to every word! First of all, I do NOT love you and you sure as shit dont love me, so stop singing that annoying fucking song! We all know its a big act Barney! Those closest to you have told me about your angry outbursts, your dino-touretts syndrome like rampages, using words that would make a sailor blush! Words that i've never used or even heard in my 33 years on this planet! You have to stop Barney, you have an image to uphold. What about the arrests for indecent exposure? The whole adult movie theatre fiasco? The 'female' hooker incident....oh and lets not forget all the clubs Barney. And not the normal type of strip clubs either, Nooooo that would be too easy for them to explain as human nature, you have to frequent the fucked up underbelly clubs...live sex shows, BDSM, K9....really twisted and kinky stuff Barney...too kinky for the mainstream of society to handle! The final straw was last week when Baby Bop walked in on you and BJ. You dressed head to toe in leather, him bent over and cuffed to that chair, the sound of your crazy laughter as you paddled his little green behind over and over until it was red and raw, then the sight of you dropping to your knees and pounding away at him with your 'little purple dinosaur' while you sang that dumbass "I love you, you love me" song ....And just what the fuck was with the dogs Barney? The empty jar of peanut butter? All those toys.....Jesus Christ Barney! That is some fucked up shit! Poor Baby Bop didnt talk for three days! she was completly MORTIFIED! What the hell were you thinking you sick motherfucker! It makes me ill even thinking about the levels of depravity you would stoop to. We have had her in intense councelling sessions since Barney, she may be scarred for life! I hope you are happy you big purple asshole! Just a tip Barney, you big fucktard, I think you should start rehearsing the last line you will probably ever have to learn if the network exec's EVER get wind of all the sick goings on in your life, and that is: "Would you like fries with that?" or if you are really lucky, "Paper or plastic." In closing Id like to say that you, Barney, are one twisted, fucked up and sick dinosaur! And for fuck sakes...put on some freakin' pants! GET HELP Barney, you sick fuck... NOW! Sincerly, Christina