Dear Big Bird,
I am writing this letter cause after today I simply cannot hold my tongue any longer.
You, my feathered friend, are an asshole. You flit around sesame street like you own the place. Waving your big ass tail feathers in every one else's face. I am not only writing this for myself but for others on Sesame street. Ernie and Bert are pretty pissed at you, Elmo wants to put a cap in your ass for being so deceptive and Cookie and Grover are going to take turns beating you into a big feathery pulp if they dont get answers soon.
For years, growing up, I thought you were dillusional, a big yellow bird on medication or just some hippie on acid, tripping out in a big ass yellow feather suit as you regailed with your stories of the Snufflupagus, only to find out that he was indeed a real person and not just a figment of your imagination.
You lied to us Big Bird!! LIED!!...you could have taken us to see Snuffy's house, to meet his parents, made him stay that few moments longer to finally introduce us... but NOOOO.... apparently we werent good enought for you to soil your friendship with Snuffy to allow him to meet us.
It has dawned on me recently Big Bird that you might be gay and Snuffy is infact your lover. That this might be the reason why you wouldnt let us meet him for all those years. Maybe, for fear of rejection, maybe you havent 'come out' to your big yellow parents. I bet the two of you spent more than one night engaged in base and kinky sex acts, possibly full blown orgys and swapping with Bert and Ernie (Sorry guys but I think you really dig that kinky stuff).
I dont fault them cause at least they are honest about their feeling for one another and didnt hide behind some bullshit story. I really dont know the logistics of your relationship with Snuffy and infact the thought of the two of you like that makes me sick *shudders*
Now if i am wrong and you and the Snuffleupagus are not gay lovers, then there is only one other answer I can come up with surrouding this veil of secrecy you kept up all those years and that is: Snuffy is a communist and you were trying to protect him or even worse, in kahoots with him. That would make you a communist sympathizer.
Oh my god you big yellow bastard! Thats it isnt it Big Bird?
Was Snuffy somehow involved in Cold War maneuvers? Was your nest actaully a radio beacon for the KGB? Were you selling government secrets right under the blind eyes of all of Sesame Street? Did Bob know? What about Maria and Gordon? Was Kermit silenced and thats why we dont see him on the street anymore?
And what that song was really about? "All the people in your neighbourhood" I bet it was code and meant something else entirly. Maybe decoded it was the plans for the Pentagon? or possibly the codes to launch our missles?
Its time for you to come clean Big Bird. Clear your head, admit to your indiscressions and maybe you'll be able to live out your life without this doubt surrouding you.
Sincerly,
Christina
