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Sometimes I wonder why & realize I don't like the answer. Then I ask myself how & find more of me then I had known was possible. Sometimes I may not like what I find but I know that I can either stand, fight & change it or just be a coward & walk away. I just have to remember that the easiest paths are not always the best. I also need to keep in mind that the road less traveled may seem appealing but it also may lead to destruction. 

Balance is required in all things. We as selfish beings tend to believe that we can always keep ourselves in check, when the reality is that it takes others to help us stay that way. We only see the part of ourselves that we want to see & know. Others see what we keep hidden from ourselves, while constantly trying to fool others that what they see & experience is false about you. 
We need others to maintain who we truly are & keep us honest. Be able to look at yourself with respect & love, knowing that the people around you don't confront you about your flaws to judge you but so you know that you have become out of balance. Giving you a chance to change & evolve for the better. Let people in, show them the real you, allow them to see the rawness within & you shall not be disappointed. 

Opening up while bearing all isn't easy but maybe getting to know the true you isn't either. The ones willing to stay around unconditionally while you figure it out are the ones worthy of your love & trust. Although be forewarned unconditional love in whatever the form it may take may also mean leaving you alone for a time or for forever. We are meant to support & hold one another up, not take advantage of a loved ones feelings for you. 

If you are not willing to change for yourself, then how do you expect others to keep over looking the betrayal you keep committing to yourself & them? If you're unwilling to change & you find yourself living a solitary life, you may need to start asking yourself this question... Has everything that was presented to me by people I loved & trusted, true? If it wasn't true then why am I alone? Be real. Be honest. Be everything you can be for not only yourself but for others as well. Living means sharing, if you're not then you're just alive. 

Just my thoughts ~RRJ~

I am who I am. I am a Full Figured female with some dangerous curves & so who friggin cares. My body not yours, so stop judging. Just because I am a different size than you does not make me any less of a person. It does not make me unworthy of your time, only an individuals closed minded preferences make those types of horrid choices. 

I am a parent, I try my best w/o the instructions manual. I just hope I don't screw them up so bad they have to have 55min shrink time a week once they leave the house.

I am a wife & lover, both requireing patients & managerial skill sets that occasionally pay off w/ beneficial perks.

I have unconditional love for all my friends & family. 

I am bi-polar & I embrace all that entails because it is a part of me, the good & the bad. I never had a choice, I was born this way. As well as many other medical malfunctions I have been plagued with. I have degenerative disk disease, 

costochondritis, bi-lateral tendonitus in both hands and wrists, suffer from multiple migraines on a daily basis, broken my left ankle 4x and have torn muscle & tendon issues in my left leg bc of it, siadica on the right and I could go on and on and on and on but what is the need. Most people will only see that I am morbidly obese and just think that I am a lazy ass person that cant stop stuffing her face long enough to lose any weight. Yeah well because of that pre-assumption of me they will never know that I am a perfectly healthy person biologically. Okay I fibbed a bit, I have an elevated cholesterol count, but that is because I can't get up and move around like I am used to doing. And my bi-polar is a chemical imbalance in my body that I have no control over. Also people are ignorant to the fact that a human body can gain weight in other ways that don't even involve food, but again no one really cares what lays on the inside of a persons soul or heart these days. Just what they can take in on that first 30sec glance they make over your body and declare their own biased opinion.

 

I am far from perfect and honestly I'd be pretty boring if I was. I have huge flaws, most I'm willing to admit openly. One of them being my talent for not blowing smoke...lol

I am a survivor of both Domestic Violence & Sexual Assault. All of which I would never wish on any human being, be it female or male. No person should ever have to endure such things in their lifetime. Those types of scars never heal fully.

I am the sum of my life experiences. I made choices in my life. Some good, some bad & some greatly stupid. I am only human.

I am the only me there ever will be. I strive to be a better me I can be everyday. Either you can like me for who I am or not. Either way its your choice.

Take heed in your first impressions of someone, because that first impression may lead you away from a person that could have changed your life for the better. Be it a life long friend or even maybe the love of your life. You can't really ever know what a person has gone through unless you have either gone thruogh it yourself or something similiar. Stop judging people and start loving them. Sometimes that is all it takes to keep a person going is someone elses love and caring.

Life is full of choices. Take care of those you choose.

Pain

We can never understand another's pain unless we ourselves have experienced the same exact same type. There is a difference though, everyone's mental anguish is uniquely their own. No one can ever know what someone else goes through in their own head. The torture of coping & over coming if they can, to reach for that small strand of their old selves. Remember to smile because that may be all someone else needs to regain themselves.

I smile to disguise my fear. I laugh because it keeps me from crying. I crack jokes first because it's what everyone is thinking, but would never have the balls to say to my face. At the end of the day I take off my mask that hides the pain that no one else can understand. And as I lay my head down on my pillow at night, I'll think about how when I wake up the mask will be put back on just so, how much my cheeks will hurt from smiling, how bad my sides will be sore from laughing and how many more jokes can I spit out before I break down and blow, as I fall asleep on a tear stained pillow. ~RRJ~

What is the problem with some people thinking that they are so much better than anyone else on this planet? I mean really, We are all born of flesh and bone and connected to everyone else on this earth because we are all human. All one species created by GOD himself. No one person is better than any other.

Some people raise their children to act superior to others to make themselves feel better. Like making other people that have less than you are not worth anything because they are poor or just different. Even these same kids make fun of rich people because they have money and flaunt it. 

This is a bad and vicious cycle that needs to stop. We are all one. Equal in every way. Yes the same even though we may be different colored skin, hair, eye color, body size, the clothes we choose to wear or don't and yes even if the amount in our pocket book is different in amount. Even if in that pocketbook the money is a euro, a peso, a yen or even a dollar bill. It is all spendable. It buys things to feed and nourish your family's body's. 

Speaking in a different tongues. We all speak and talk about the same daily things. Are my children going to grow up big and strong and have a family of their own someday. Hey you know what I think I am going to have a doughnut today instead of a bowl of cereal. We also look at ourselves the same way too. Are they looking at me because I wore my skirt to tight today or because I wore my hair up instead of down or even maybe there is still a small streak of pink in my hair from a party I went to last night. 

The human race all work, live and love like every other person on this planet. So, just freaking get over yourself. What you do effects not just one person but everyone they know and everyone else around you and them. Think about that next time before you shoot off your mouth about some stupid thing to make another human being feel inferior.

That is my two cents hope someone reads this and gets the idea I was trying to put out.

Okay, how do you know that you have made a difference anywhere no matter what? Don't get me wrong I have done lots of things for people and they have no idea that I have been the one to do it. Have never went out of my way to receive any type of acknowledgement. I am not that type of person. I am happy to just be able to help, when I am able to. 

Except how long do you put other people ahead of yourself? When do you realize that you are also important enough to have stuff done for you? See this is when I start asking myself am I important enough for all that? Why should any one person care enough for me to want to? What makes me special?

I help people to a fault. I will put myself out on the furthest cliff hanging by my toe nail, when any minute I could plummet to my death, just so I can help someone else accomplish what they need or want to do. Coming out of all of it with a smile on my face because I love helping people. Except I think that I may have lost pieces of myself after awhile. Now I am not sure if I can find my way back to me. Nor am I sure I would even recognize myself if I did. 

Who am I really? If I found myself again, would I like who was in front of me? Would I be willing to change my world enough as I know it now to get back what I have lost? Once I did this, would everyone else like who I found? Should it matter one way or another in either direction?

Maybe someday I will figure that out. Tho I don't think that day is going to be today.

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