I ask myself so calmly in my gentle scapegrace

if these thoughts of you show any trace

I ask myself so serenely in my endless race

if my minds constant running is inhibiting my grace

I ask myself so seriously in my begrudged haste

if my soul is merely a simpleminded wraith

I ask myself so absently in my borderline blase

if my heart is really serious about the coming days

I ask myself so quietly in my spinning craze

if my body will just take a moment and enjoy life's gentle laze

I ask myself so meaningfully as I stare into your gaze

if it's possible to have ones heart willingly enslaved

Sleep will not come

these dreams will not ease

begging for forgiveness and life's sweet release

I know I'm not worthy of all that you are

I know I'm unfit to erase all your scars

living each moment and hoping it's my last

delving right in to overcome my past

so much is spinning and churning inside

so much relies on life's tender lies

feigning and hoping and trying so hard

knowing deep down I'm simply fit to discard

love isn't easy and so it slips away

numbness replaces cascading throughout

filling my mind with senseless self doubt

urging myself to just carry on

keep on moving forward 

you must stay strong

the nights are longer now

the stars failing to shine

living inside my most fragile mind

holding together and staying so strong

when the days that destruct me remain so long

Well, another year is in the history books or as I like to call it..."The where the hell has the time gone" book. It's been an eventful year. A BUSY year at that. I didn't get my vacations I wanted, I didn't get the down time I was hoping for, I didn't get the sanity that I've been asking of Santa every year since I could talk. I did however get many other things. Some up, some down, some just downright weird. The one thing that I really wish I would have accomplished was getting my TARDIS all fixed up...alas...that didn't happen either. Damn Menards has been out of my time vortex flux device for months *sigh*. I guess it's on the to do list for 2012. :P

Speaking of 2012, I hope everyone has figured out the world is not going to end. And if you are still convinced it's such, when you have all that sex this coming year, please use protection, we don't need the gene pool becoming more polluted when all those babies are born in 2013 ;) 

I'm happy to report that in my case, with age comes wisdom. I've learned so very much of late. About myself, my goals, my dreams, what exactly I'm capable of. I've learned to fail and to do so with dignity. I've learned to love on a level I could not even imagine possible. I learned to love myself as well.

I watch my son grow up before my very eyes and I smile to myself often at the amazing little man he is turning into (as well as occasionally threatening to sell him to the gypsies but that's a whole different blog for a less sentimental kind of night.) And no, I would never actually sell him, but he's to the age where he thinks it's funny to throw his worth out there when I threaten. He knows when mom's really frustrated when he says "You can sell me for a million dollars mom." And I counteroffer with "Right now, I'd sell you for a bag of skittles and five minutes of ensured quiet time." :P He's going to nine soon. I'm ok with nine. I think it's the double digits that will knock my precarious mental status off kilter.

New Year's Eve is a tough time for me. It makes me think of a life lost at far too early of an age. I wonder what kind of man that wonderful young soul would have grown up to be. I miss him every day but on the anniversary of his death I miss him even more. He had a piece of my heart no one will ever see again and he took it with him that night when he said his final farewell. He was the big brother I never had, the friend that would lay out on the ground with me and gaze at the stars no matter what the temperature was, the first pair of blue eyes I ever fell in love with. He once killed a bee on the school bus with his ass. Bare. Our bus driver thought it was a riot and was seriously accustomed to J.C.'s shanigians to the point that he just kept driving. I see that bus driver often. He works at the grocery right down from my house. He used to ask about us kids all the time. I remember running into him shortly after we caught wind of the accident and having to tell him that J.C. had passed. Was heartbreaking in a way. He got all teary and gave me the biggest hug. We were just kids back then but we understood life more than most kids would. And when we became teenagers, we acted like we had the world figured out when we knew, deep down, we'd never know it all. I hope he's made it to the stars finally. 

And with that...I will end my long windedness and wish you all a very happy and blessed new year. May it bring all the marvelous things the universe, and beyond, holds for you and yours. 

To grow up is to understand the difference between lust and love. To comprehend the fact that just because you may love something with your whole heart that things change, people change, and happy endings aren't always a guarantee. To grow up is to accept that life is full of surprises and shocks and to learn to roll with things as they come. To grow up is to know that if you fight against life, life itself WILL always fight back. The people you love the most will hurt you the worst and the people you don't expect it from will surprise you a time or two. To grow up is to lose a part of the whimsical mystery that life once held and to embrace the more practical aspects of day to day life. To successfully grow up, a person realizes they can grow up to be a practical adult, yet still stare at the stars and dream of touching them one day.

She's straight up gorgeous and doesn't even know it
Got a thing for men that treat her like she's nothin
Living life like she's dying
With many years yet to come
Throw it all away for him and give herself up
Going crazy with the madness
Pretending the silence isn't there
It only lasts a moment as it's replaced with gut wrenching tears
She's the farthest thing from stupid this world's ever seen
Yet she avoids responsibilities and ignores all her own needs
Can't see what she sees in this parade of useless men
Can't fully grasp the implications of why
Or how
Or if it'll ever end
Baby girl drowns herself in misery like she was living off speed
Stuck in this cycle of his selfish greed
She sees no hope for a better tomorrow or a life outside of him
Can't extract herself from his hold
Can't walk away from that
Everyone has stepped away with their hands up in the air
All out of advice and words of wisdom to share
Hoping that she'll learn one day before it's far too late
Hoping that she'll get the guts and just walk away...

I'm here, there, and everywhere

I'm the darkness

I'm the pain

I'm the life force to sustain

I thrive in light

and bleed through love

I'm the stars that shine above

I'm the midnight

I'm the sea

I'm the lost moments

I'm what you wish you could be

I'm not what I was

I'm not what you see

Moments lasting eternal 

on an ever playing repeat

I'm the misery

I'm the joy

I'm the sorrow 

I'm the moon shining so bright

I'm the photographs you hold tight

I'm the smiles 

I'm the tears

I'm everything you've lost throughout the lonely years

I'm the beginning

I'm beyond the end

I'm not what I seem

I'm not what you need

and in the end we all shall bleed 

Forging through the limitless times

Clinging tight to the ties that bind