ya know ive been at a realization for awhile that a lot of people are only after what they can get from you and then throw you away. unfortunate enough that has been my whole life. i have been used by so many people i dont think i would know any other way to react than how i do everyday of my life. when i was young i was used for my strength. i would always be picked last for any sport because i was fat, so i had to show that i had worth. when my friends played football noone could take me down, so i got used as brute force. as i grew up i could not find my niche for anything. i would hang around the girls but they talked about makeup and boys, i hung around the boys and they talked about sports and girls i felt like i was stuck in the middle i was stuck in my own world called fat land. i tried to be like the girls and wear the mini skirts and then i would be like the boys and know my football. if i showed up in a dress i would be made fun of worse than normal, if i hung around and talked to the guys about football i got made fun of cause they said i looked like a football player. i did have friends that lived on my street. friends that meant more to me than anything in the world. they looked at me for me and not what i could do for them. but just like everything else in my life that was good they moved away one by one. i was left in solitude on a street with no friends. i had friends in school but i was looked at more like the mascot instead of one of the group. when i got in high school it was a whole new game. of course my freshman year was hell. i was made fun of so bad my freshman year that i tried to totally block it out of my mind. i tried to be like my girlfriends and find a guy, but that was like a contagious leper asking out a beauty queen. my sophmore year was a little better. i was in marching band and loved every minute of it. i had friends alot more than i had ever had. i made friends that valued me for me which was something i hadnt had for a long time. i totally emersed myself in everything band. when i couldnt make the chair for the trumpet section in concert band my wonderful band director had me playing a different insturment that put me in the middle of everything with my friends. by my juior year i realized i was not going to have the same kind of life that all my friends had. they could all fit into the stylish clothes, their hair was teased and feathered to perfection. i went out after every football game with my friends who a lot met up with their boyfriends. one night while making my rounds to all my friends tables one of my good friends came over and said hey elaina my boyfriend brought his best friend with him and he wants to meet you. oh my gosh i thought maybe this was it a man who wanted to meet me. i walked over to the table and my friend introduced me to her boyfriends friends. the next thing i know him and his friend erupted with laughter. "i just wanted to see how fat you really were close up and see if you would fall for it". "i guess the plan worked cause you fell for it big time". Instead of crying i actually felt my blood boil. i could feel my face getting hot and red and my ears started burning, the next thing i know the words came right out of my mouth as loud and as pronounced as i could "fuck you, i may be fat i can lose weight you can never lose being an asshole for your entire life". I know there was a lot more things i said because by the time i got finished my friends mouth was hanging open, her boyfriend was almost under the table and his friend the one who wanted to see if i would fall for "it", looked like her had tears in his eyes. the whole pizza place was silent, when i walked away the place went into laughter at the kid i just let loose on. i walked out feeling like a million bucks. i had found my voice. my senior year was the best. i had more people that wanted to sign my yearbook that i couldnt get it to veryone before i graduated. people talked to me i didnt even know but i acted like they were my best friends. i wanted them to think they were the most important thing in my life just like i had always wanted from other people in my life. i still have the hardest time to be mean to people i dont like to tell people no but that is a word that is the top used in peoples vocabulary towards me. i still feel sometimes that i am still trapped in that ugly 9th grade body and will never get out of it. if you wanna make fun of me thats ok im used to it, i you wanna tease me go ahead its nothing new. if you wanna break my heart with your words and actions, might as well cause its being done to me everyday of my life.
