ninjasabby's blog: "jokes"

Parallel Parking... Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls-Royce to a downtown New York City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000. The loan officer, taken aback, requested collateral and so the man said, "Well then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce." The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safe keeping, and gave him $5,000. Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank's doors, and asked to settle up his loan and get his car back. "That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest", the loan officer said. The man wrote out a check and started to walk away. "Wait sir", the loan officer said, "while you were gone, I found out you are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow $5,000?" The man smiled. "Where else could I park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?

Indecision 2007... Warren was sitting alone in his office one night when a Genie popped up out of his ashtray. "And what will your third wish be?" Warren looked at the Genie and said, "Huh? How can I be getting a third wish when I haven't had a first or second wish yet?" "You have had two wishes already," the Genie said, "but your second wish was for me to put everything back the way it was before you made your first wish. Thus, you remember nothing, because everything is the way it was before you made any wishes. You now have one wish left." "Okay," said Warren, "I don't believe this, but what the heck. I've always wanted to understand women. I'd love to know what's going on inside their heads." "Sheesh! I wish you'd make up your mind," said the genie as it granted his wish and disappeared forever, "That was your first wish, too!"

three girls all work in the same office with the same female boss. each day, they noticed the boss left work early. one day the girls decided that when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. after all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early.....? the brunette was thrilled to be home early. she did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early. the redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting dinner date. teh blonde was happy to be get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside. slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her lady boss!! gently she closed the door and crept out of her house. the next day, at their coffee break, teh brunette and the redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them. "No Way", the blonde exclaimed. i almost got caught yesterday

-if you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented -if people from poland are called ples why arnt people from holland called holes -when cheese gest its picture taken, what does it say -why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites -why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things -of horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible? -why isnt 11 pronounced onety one -do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery -why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist? -if a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled -why do woman wear evening gowns to nightclubs? shouldnt they be wearing night gowns? -if love is blind, why is lingerie so popular -when someone asks you, a penny for your thoughts and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny -why is the man who invets all your money called a broker -why do croutons come in airtight packages? its just a stale bread to begin with -if you mixed vodka and orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you get a philips screwdriver -why do we say something is out of whack. what is a whack -if lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesnt it follow that electricians can be delighted, musician denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed - do roman paramedics refer to IVs as "4's" -why do you park in the driveway and drive on the parkway

once inside the bank shortly after midnight, the task of dismentling the security system got underway immediately. the robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash and valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes scattered throughout the bank. the robbers cracked the first safe combination and inside they found only a bowl of vanilla pudding. as recorded on the banks audiotape system one robber said at least we'll have something to eat. the robbers opened up a second safe and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding. the process continued until all the safes were opened the found not one pound of sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold. instead all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding. diappointed the robbers made a quiet exit. each leaving nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortable full stomach. the uncomfortable feeling worsened the next morning when they picked up the morning paper. the news paper headline read:IRELANDS LARGEEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING

A few minutes after Seamus has gone splat, Sean strolls up. He too has been to the pet shop, and he walks up carrying the now familiar peeper bag. instead of a parrot he pulls out a chicken out of the bag, and launches himself off the cliff with the usual result. Once more Paddy shakes his head- "Fook me Sean! first der was Gerry wit his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting and now you fockin' hen glidin

a minute later, seamus arrives. he too has been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying a peeper bag. He pulls a parrot out of the bag, and then Paddy notices that, in his other hand, Seamus is carrying a gun. "Hi, Paddy. watch dis," Seamus says and launches himself over the edge of the cliff. Paddy watches as halfway down, Seamus takes the gun and blows the parrots head off. Seasmus continues to plummet until there is another SPLAT. and his remains join Gerrys at the bottom. Paddy shakes his head and saids An oim never troyin dat parrotshooting nider

Larry's Lamaze Lessons The room was full of pregnant women and their partners. The Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, and informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan. "Ladies, exercise is good for you," announced the teacher. "Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!" The room was very quiet. Finally, Larry, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand. "Yes?" asked the instructor. "Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

What is Butt Dust? What, you ask, is "Butt Dust"? Read on and you'll discover the joy in a child's sincere originality. No adult is this creative!! JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: "Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?" MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, "If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six ." STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night. "I love you so much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window." BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: "How does it know it's me?" SUSAN(age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. "Please don't give me this juice again," she said, "It makes my teeth cough." DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: "How much do I cost?" MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: "Why is he whispering in her mouth?" CLINTON(age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, "I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in?" JAMES(age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." Concerned, James asked: "What happened to the flea?" TAMMY(age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, "Why doesn't your skin fit your face?" The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget.... this particular Sunday sermon..."Dear Lord," the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. "Without you, we are but dust..." He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?"

The Best of Late Night... "The New York Times says that more women are now living without a husband. The worst part about women living alone is that they no longer have anyone at home to not listen to them." -Jay Leno "A new international survey has found that American believe in evolution less than any other industrialized nation. When asked why Americans pointed to Kevin Federline." -Conan O'Brien "Fidel Castro, the Cuban President who has been hospitalized since July, has been the subject of several conflicting medical reports regarding his physical condition. ... CNN reported the reason Castro's health has taken such a downturn was his decision to have a very risky operation to have doctors implant him with -- and this is true -- an artificial anus. ... They've upgraded his condition from 'grave' to 'serious but hilarious'" -Jon Stewart "People who watched the speech said President Bush looked uncomfortable. And I was thinking, of course -- he was in a library surrounded by books." -David Letterman "A lot of Democrats and Republicans are coming out against Bush's plan for Iraq. It's nice to see Democrats and Republicans on the same page, especially when it's not a congressional page." -Jay Leno "Arnold Schwarzenegger is recovering from a broken leg. ... In a new interview, Schwarzenegger said he's only taking a little bit of pain medication for his broken leg because the medication garbles his speech. Apparently, Schwarzenegger broke his leg in 1974." -Conan O'Brien "David Beckham is coming to the United States. People say he could make a huge impact on the way Americans ignore soccer." -Jay Leno "President Bush is going to be talking about global warming in his State of the Union address. He's unveiling his new plan. I believe it's called 'No Ice Cap Left Behind.'" -David Letterman