Annelid's blog: "Ramblings,thoughts and assorted stuff"

I touched upon the fact that I made a big mistake in my last blog. I still feel the same way. Nothing can change that. What's done is done.  

I made the mistake of going on Craig'sList and put up a somewhat amusing and to be frank (or Dave) a real honest personal ad. Good lord, the amount of spam was overwhelming. So much so I had to write a filter and block it.  Lesson learned? CL is great for selling or trading but for anything worthwhile, it blows (and sucks).

Which get's me to my other rant. Cupid.com. Nice concept and somewhat easy to navigate. Which is great for moron's like moi. Anyways, I again put up a  add that I thought was totally honest (perhaps to a fault), heartfelt and yes, amusing.  Not a lot of spam returned which is a good thing. That being said , the women there , to me are all hipsters.  It's wierd, they all reside in Brooklyn, try to be more , well "random and hip" than the next. I guess that's fine as I do like the "alt" type of girl.  My dream girl is a Jeanne Garafalo type. Witty, fiesty,quirky, laid back and of course cute.  However I kid myself , as I have nothing to offer these women. I read thier profiles and they seem very outgoing. Very worldy. On the cusp of trends, on the pulse of "what's happening".  I'm nothing like that yet I subject myself to reading and responding to thier profiles. No responses as of yet.

A little about myself (and why not , it's my blog and i can blog if I want too. ;) ) .   I'm overweight, have really low self esteem, a lot of self loathing and pretty much hate the world.  Wow, if that doesn't say "what a catch" what does?  Honesty is the best policy. I dispise what I've become *not that I went from great to a mess* but i never imagined that things would turn out the way they are.

I work in a job I utterly loathe. I took it (like most people in this economy) out of desperation. There's little to no chance for advancement. I look around (at my peers, people I know on facebook with whom I went to HS/College/and at previous jobs) and see how much they've accomplished. I feel (or rather know) I've regressed. Slipping and sliding backwards or at times I feel stagnent , sitting in neutral. Where's my piece of the pie? If you asked me 20 or even 10 years ago that things would be like this, I'd laugh. Now I cry.  I know I wasn't the perfect BF, far from it. I was selfish. How so? I'd be more than happy to drag the ex to look at stuff at microcenter or something equally boring. But in my defense...I didn't know what else to do. My dating experiences are limited.  Yes we'd go to the occasional movie, or rent one. Or go window shopping or to garage sales..but I knew that something was lacking.  I can say I was tired and broke (which I was and am), that I hadn't a clue as to what to do (which I still don't). But those are excuses , something that I'm quite good at. I can rationalize with the best of them.

I'm trying to "better" myself. I've been watching what I eat, occasionally going to the gym and riding my bicycle.  I force myself to go out , to bookstores (isn't that where single people tend to congregate?) and yet, I still feel invisible. Let me explain.
Ever since I've gotten my drivers lisecense so many,many years ago I've been the goto guy. Why? Cause I got a car. So I'd drive my friends around with their gf's.  I'd go with them to nightclubs in NYC and stand there , totally invisible. I didn't exist then and I don't now. I tried in my own little way to socialize but I'm socially inept. I can make a joke , a pithy comment or sputter a non sequitor but when it comes to something from the heart I'm a blank.  What's frightening is that I use Fubar as way to meet people (perhaps that specials someone).  A pipedream perhaps. Like i said in one of many status messages, " my depression is proportional to the time spent on fubar" , yet like a moth to a flame , I keep going back, thinking, maybe,just maybe today will be different. It isn't.

Even at work I'm alone. My co workers don't socialize with me, which in a way makes sense at most of them speak Spanish and all are married/engaged/or just screwing around. So that's another place to meet n greet off the  list.
What's the point of this? I haven't a clue really. Maybe it's way for me to vent. There is no catharsis, no epiphany. Nothing.  I wish there was. A gleem of hope. Something to grab onto, but I know there isn't. My fate I accept unwillingly.

To quote Patrick B , " This confession has meant nothing".