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What are you waiting for?
Now, those who know me, know I'm anything but a 'Godly' person, or religious in any way. Yeah, I celebrate Christmas, and Jewish holidays, but that doesn't mean I'm devoted to it. That's just how I live my life. But, I ask myself, if there is a 'God', why does he suck so bad? Why does he make things so fucking difficult for me to lead a simple life, no serious problems? I'll tell you why, because he fucking hates me. Yeah, I've been on the brink of death numerous times. But, he kept me alive, only to continue his sick little game of 'Let's Fuck with Austin's life!'I've been a miserable little fuck, my entire existance so far, with the exception of a 5 month period. Why am I miserable now? Well, read on, and you'll know. I was with a girl, whom I fell deeply in love with, and hard too. I couldn't be happier. I was complete. How did this so-called 'God' fuck this up? EASY! He decided, that it would be a great, fun, idea to have some cum sponge fuckwad, get in between us, and take the one and only thing that ever made me feel the happiness I was lacking in my life. He succeeded. So, whilst I sit in depression, and wonder what this
little cocksucker has to offer from across continental America, I can only continue to sit and ponder, why I always get fucked out of the good things in life. Why do I always have to have all the bad shit, just fall into my lap? Now, I know what most of you are thinking, "why is this dude still worrying about it?" "Why can't he just shut the fuck up?" Well, I can tell you. I have NEVER, felt this way before. I still care about her, I can't seem to get her out of my head, and out of my heart. Bad? probably. But when someone looks at you, in your eyes, and says, "you're my soulmate." You don't let that go. Ever. That statement is that strong, that no one can just let it go. Now, I admit, I've said something to her, that made almost the same impact, but so positive. And trust me, I regret it, A LOT. Do I wish I could go back and just have it to where I didn't say what I did? You bet your ass I do. But I can't. So, now I've completely ruined any chance I had, of possibly having that person in my arms ever again. Quite frankly, I feel like complete shit for it, and I always will. I doubt she'll read this. I would only hope she does. Then maybe she can grasp what she tossed away, like a piece of trash. Sounds harsh, but it's the truth. I know I probably shouldn't have any feelings towards her but thorough hatred. No, I do have thorough hatred for the little fuckhole that took her from me, and the fact that I'm convinced he doesn't come remotely close to how I felt, feel, and will always feel. And, probly never lift a finger to try and give her, the love, that I was giving, and willing to continue to give. I'm convinced he's sitting back, getting a bigger ego because he's feeding her these lies,
and she's believing them, not seeing what he really is. It hurts to see this happening, and she doesn't see it, nor does she even see the possibility of it.
Just in case you haven't guessed. I'm not the happy guy that I come off as being. I'm in this state of depression, misery, that I cannot seem to get out of. I'm fucking stewing in the shit. I feel empty, low, and basically, pure nothingness. I'm not sure how, or even if, I can even get out of it. I just want to be happy. That's all.
If she were to read this, I just wish she would know, and understand, that I am sorry for the horrible, unnecessary, undeserving words I have said. And that's NOT who I am. Yeah, I can be a vengeful person at times, but I don't usually, if ever, stoop that low, and I completely hate myself for even considering going that low. I'm sure that it won't change a damn thing. But, as long she knows, that I cant live with myself, knowing that the person I still have very very strong feelings for, no matter how bad it hurt when she walked out of my life, and leaving only my heart, shattered into a million shards, and unknowing if it will ever be repaired, or if it even can be repaired. It's killing me quicker than smoking, AIDS, drunk driving, and everything else deadly in this world, combined. I'm pretty much already dead inside....
It just feels like that ever since this has happened, everything, EVERYTHING, in my life, has just went straight down the shitter. It just seems like I have lost everything. I lost control of my life, my feelings, and every other aspect of my existance. I just want to be happy again. Is that really too much to ask? And this so-called, 'God' that everyone seems to praise, well, if it does so exist, and does whatever it is he does besides ruin my existance. I'm sure those of you who actually believe in this being of some sort, is going to tell me, "he's listening, ya know." Good. In case he isn't paying attention. Tell him I said, "FUCK YOU!!"
