Love is complicated...
Why are so many people afraid to just let go? To live? To love? Love is not as complicated as we would like to make it. Is it that hard to trust anyone in this cynical world? It frustrates me that decent people have to suffer due the stupidity of a select few. No one's perfect..including myself. However, I know of my mistakes. I allow them to eat away at me daily like a cancer. I judge myself for these mistakes far worse than anyone else ever could dream. I examine every move I have made in my life ritually. It teaches me where I have come from. It helps me see more clearly where I want to be. I've gone through a very bad bit of depression over the last 4 months. Almost daily thoughts of suicide ran through my head. I still have depression. Now, however, I realize that the person causing me this pain wasn't her. It was myself. I was trying desperately to grasp at things that were not there. Trying to control what was out of my hands. I also realized that the one person I gave my life to metaphorically, did not deserve it physically. To do the things that were done... she was never fully present to begin with.
Now, as I try to put the peices of my shattered heart back together, I have fear. I have fear of never finding that strong bond that I had felt at one time briefly. Fearful that if I do ...I would be betraying the past. Betraying prescious memories. Betraying myself. I'm a good man who is very giving and loving. I am very unselfish, very romantic, very emotional. Those who know me personally know this. Why is happiness so hard for some people to grasp? Or to hold on to? I believe that when you say you love someone...you should be fully prepared to say it to that person for the rest of your life. See, many people can say it when things are good. It's when times are tough that they falter. I see these people as weak. My love is forever. I don't start a commitment only to have it end. I don't believe in wasting my time! I don't believe in putting so much effort into making someone happy and building a relationship only to have it all turn to dust. Then there's the total opposite mentality that some have. They actually stick around through the rough times and dip when things are at their best. What the fuck is that about? It only verifies that they were just biding their time until something better came along. WEAK!! How can people swear undying love one month then tell you they hate you the next? What kind of pieces of shit are in this world?
It truly scares me.I can't help but wonder " ok...if this person loved me and did this to me....." Does this make sense to anyone? Fucking hell....Is it too fucking much to ask for to be loved for exactly who you are? To be fucking loved unconditionally forever?
I WANT to be able to awaken next to the same beautiful face every morning. I don't enjoy searching for someone new who'll most likely do the same shit. I'm tired of feeling like I have to resell myself just when the last one finally understood me. What the fuck is the purpose to all of it. It makes no fucking sense. I don't give up hope however. But I also realize the only person I can hope in is...myself. Love is not complicated. Stupidity is.
