NTZ's blog: "A Return Of Thought"

Crazy I was just struggling on what I wanted to say.  So I got up out of this chair and went in the bedroom to grab something.  Something that was laying underneath my pants which was thrown on top after taking them off.  I brought it back to the computer with me and plug it in.  Crazy that its hard for me to say a word on how i'm feeling if music isnt playing in my ear.  Funny i tell people i'm here for them if they need it but never go to them when I'm the person in need.  I've hoped may times not to be human.  If so then I wouldnt have found myself here at this moment. 

Unsure of the relationship I'm in or barely hanging on to.  It feels dead.  I wish i was.  Everyday is just another day for us to fight.  If not then we're not speaking at all.  Which is why my phone is in the room while i'm up front online.  No reason for me to carry it around.  No reason for me having one now.  No reason for it to be on wasting battery power, might as well get it cut off.  At this moment sitting here singing inside with anger looking back behind making sure no one is around looking at me.  Dont want any questions from family, no eyes looking my way.  So we're here because of me?  You?  Fu? One thing about my return to Fubar is my realization of two things: lack of sleep and increase of food consumption. Return of the fat fuck it is but the internet slut has never left.  Just was never noticed.   You got problems and I got problems.  All of it emotional.  We are both fucked up, me more than you.  Though that was our common bond and yet being what's breaking us apart.  I said a year ago it wasn't going to get better only worse.  Only so much can be done long distance before the small things become avalanches destroy our little home.  Nothing about me should be surprising, I gave warning from the beginning.  The ex's gave warning.  The friends are gone.  Already new ones left.  All i have now is my right hand until it gets tired then its my left hand.  I wasn't lying when I commented I live a very sad life earlier today. 

I probably should see a shrink, only because I just want to see if I can fuck with them mentally.  Dont need someone to tell me what I already know.  Would be nice if I had 3 good female friends.  One I can use for her pussy, one for her ass, and the other for her throat. I use to be afriad to speak to women because I felt they wouldn't like me.  Now i'm afraid because I know I dont want them too.  I'll just do them what I have you, what I have others.  Waste their time. Waste their feelings.  Waste their believe in good guys.  I'm neither bad or good, i'm just me.  Something I cant explain well enough no matter what i describe. So back to my return to fu.  I need a distraction.  Need to bullshit again.  Need fantasy because I cant control reality and I dont even play the game. I'm not even trying to make friends.  Not really looking to speak to people.  Just on wasting time.  I'm probably part of the group of people who do hopes the world ends next year.  Be like, finally we have our escape plan.  Takes the pressure off and want we be fuck if nothing happens.  Just more years wasted. 

Really I work so its not like i'm completely sitting around not doing shit.  Even that hell hole is an escape for me but then i have to escape that. I just wonder one thing, is it true when they say out of sight out of mind?  Maybe I should go get my phone because there still sits the pic of you.  Seven seconds and screen goes black so I push a button, peek-a-boo.  Hey there!  Seven seconds and black, another push of a button.  Sigh, fucking losing it all.  We both are.  More me than you because I didnt have much to begin with.  I do know you dont trust me, so dont believe you when you say you do.  You proved many times you dont.  There isnt a difference between anything because it all comes back to me or you.  Remember me saying nothing can break this but us.  Oh its broken, so why wont either take the blame? 

I think about all the money I have in my savings at the moment and wonder is that the amount I need for a life or just the amount I need to hire my killer. Really just walking down the wrong street can get you killed so whats the point of the saving?  Dont know anymore. So what do I want?  Never knew even when I tried to make up shit.  At least i'm fucking writing right now, well typing.  Havent done that in a long time. Damn, I need to start drinking or get high.  Get fucked up, do something that will just fucking cause death to come quicker or cause me to just really fall farther than I have.  So much falling and yet not rock bottom.  Will there ever be a bottom or i'm forever falling.  I might want to rape all who reads this.  Which will be no one. Well if you have read and gotten this far, hopefully you regret reading it.  I'm not even looking at the screen as i'm typing this.  I'm gonna take a picture of what i'm doing.

Anyway, guess i'm close to being alone fully again.  I've said my life wasnt going to change much at all, just will either have someone to love me or wont.  Thats it and if this is really it then that's it.  I'm done being human. Done with thinking I can actually be someone any woman can actually deal with.  Before us I said that but you was just different than any woman I've ever met.  I listen to my emotions and dont fight it.  Whatever happens happens is my life motto.  That began us and now ends us if this is the end.  No matter what, end or not it still changes everything. New rules to us.  Believe it or not, during the absence all I wonder was what you was doing.  Hope you're not crying.  I cant cry.  Nothing is worth crying over.  Nothing is worth dying for except the desire to die........

....The End.