1780's blog: "I am the coolest"

Yayyy I love this time of year.. aside from having to work every single day... I LOVE IT! It's so jolly and everyone is always happy.. everyone except for those Grinchs, boooo tooo youuuu!! hahaha Happy Holidays Everyone! <3 Miss. Murder

Work is insane.. with the holidays coming up there are sooooooooooo many cookies to make and I am ALWAYS the one who gets stuck doing them.. I hate it and I am cranky and I have cramps and I just wanna take a nap so I am going to do that!

So I was going through old stuff and I found something that I wrote to my ex boyfriend.. I read it and it made me with that someone would love me the way that I loved him. =( Maybe one day I will find someone who will... anywho, this is what I had written to him: I love you for the little things that make me love you more and more each day. I love the way you tuck my hair behind my ear and the way you touch my face. I love that silly little grin you get with that cute little laugh when I tickle you or say something funny. It’s the cutest thing in the world. I always knew I loved you, but now more then ever my love is truly defined. There isn’t a day that passes that you aren’t on my mind, there isn’t a second of the day when I don’t wonder what you’re doing and if you’re thinking of me too. There isn’t a night I don’t wish you were sleeping in bed next to me. My love for you grows with each minute that passes and it only grows deeper and stronger. I wouldn’t know what to do if I didn’t have you in my life right now. I’d be completely lost. I just want you to know that I love you completely and nothing with ever change that. You're my every dream, you're the threadwork to my seams and I love you with every ounce of me. I love the way you call me baby, it’s more the behbeh and it’s so freakin cute. I love the way you hold my hand like you’re never going to let it go. It’s been 5 years and still I get this crazy feeling deep in my belly when I think of you or when you lean over to kiss me. It’s amazing and I never want it to go away, ever. You are my completion, my other half and I know that without you I’d feel like nothing because you make me feel alive inside… like there is something worth living for. Thinking of you is like watching the sunset, feeling the warm sun on my face… it makes me feel that life is worth living. Please just promise me that you will stay because my heart would break to hear you say goodbye.

Inside she's screaming: "I never meant to hurt you". Confusion sets in; where's a little oblivion when you need it? The clock ticks away seconds of my life that I'll never get back. The rhythm of my heart tries to keep up with every second hand tick but I've neglected to breathe for the seventh time today, and I find myself completely shutting down. Gasping for air, I'll reach for your hand; this time I question weather or not it will be there. A question that could break my heart, the way I know I've broken yours. Catching my breath as I hit the pavement, along side the pieces of my heart. You weren't there to catch me this time; and I don't blame you. Maybe forever is too long to wait for something perfect. Shoe-box-memories are all I have left of you. Movie stubs and post-it notes; little drawings and a torn out page from a coloring book, colored better then I ever could. Underneath it reads: "I love you more then you'll ever know". At the bottom of the box lies a single polaroid of you... It turns the brightest shade of green when it burns.

I've come to the realization that life is just what it is. You can't change it, so you have to learn how to deal with all the things it throws at you. The things that happen to you are the things that make you; you. So there really isn't a point to hold grudges. If you don't like me? That's fine.. I don't care.. it's probably over something trivial like a guy.. who really wasn't worth it anyway. I'm nice.. I've always been nice.. and I have always done for others before I'd do for myself. I realize there's no point in that either because most of the time it goes un-noticed.. along with other reasons. I say it's pointless.. but I won't ever be able to change who I am.. I will always be that nice girl who does everything for everyone that gets the shit end of the stick. But that's life I guess. And it's so hard to trust people.. maybe it's just the people I am trusting.. I always seem to pick the winners.. but even my own family.. (excluding my mom, dad, sister and brother) they can't keep their mouths shut for shit. And they always have something to say.. but they want to be all secretive about it.. like don't tell anyone else... and the only reason I don't say anything is because I don't want to hurt someone I loves feelings.. because unlike them I have a heart.. and I care about people. It's kind of disgusting when you can't even stand some of your own family.. and you put them in the same category as your so called best friendships that turned to shit because they were assholes. And then you get those douche bags that come into my job knowing that I dislike them because, they're assholes or they send their friends in thinking I don't even know what giving me dirty looks like they're so much better then me.. first of all, look at you. Second of all I will ask you what you want without even acknowledging the fact that I know who you are, because that's my job. Like is it supposed to bother me that you come in there? No.. I think it's funny there a a million bakeries in the world and you have to come to mine. Why? I guess cause you have nothing better to do? Maybe it will start something? Looking for some drama? I don't know what you are thinking.. but nothings going to happen. Not like you need them but, Here is your shitty quarter pound of rainbow cookies douche bag. Grow up. Bitter? Your damn right. It's not so much the the people or my family that make me bitter it's that my life is at a fucking stale mate there is no where to go nothing to do nothing to chage. Yes, there are a million and one things I could be doing other then this.. but when you make less then 300 bucks a week where the hell am I supposed to go... 300 is fine for now.. it's not like I spend more then that a week anyway.. but it still isn't a lot. I am tryng to get back to school.. I can't go back to Suffolk because I refuse to pay the money they are telling me I owe.. how could I possible owe anything? I had more then enough financial aid.. I had over a 1000 sent back to me and then I withdrew and all the money got set back. SO how the fuck do I own them money? It's not like I was going to school. They're douche bags too. I am trying to get into this boces thing.. I just have to enroll but I can't start that till January.. just like anywhere else I'd wanna go. I would love to move out of this shit hole town.. to anywhere! Accept Forida or someplace hot. I need to have seasons. Away from my past... the shitty family, the douche bags that think they are better then everyone.. and just every thing else. Thank god for the few friends that I still have and have had for a while.. those friends who I could not talk to for months at a time and then start hanging out again and it's like we never skipped a beat.. everyone needs to be like that. And for new friendships... and for the people that really care about me.. because life is shitty and depressing these days and without all of them to talk to I would really totally and completely hate life right now. Ha wow, how shitty is this? I am just going to shut up now. I just felt like typing.. but once my mind gets to thinking it doesn't want to stop.

We often go through our day with our breath held, bracing for a blow that isn't coming. Learn to relax. Let go. Everything happens for a reason, no matter how much it hurts or feels good.. Weather it's wrong or right. Only say sorry if you really mean it and admit your mistakes. Don't hesitate to tell someone you love them.. It might be your only chance. Life isn't always fair, so don't expect it to be. Don't ever cut what can be untied... and always be willing to loose the battle in order to win the war. It is up to you to decide who you let walk away, who you let stay and who you refuse to let go. Love for the sheer fact of loving. Don't ever give up on anybody. Dream big. Don't underestimate the power of words. Realize that happiness is not based on power or possessions but on relationships with people you love and respect. Learn to appreciate the little things in life. Don't take advantage of the things or people in your everyday life, because they might be gone before you ever get the chance to say goodbye. Take a lot of pictures, they will make you smile years from now. Listen to music too loud and sit too close to the television... you only live once. Life is a succession of lessons which must be lived to be understood... so don't let anybody tell you yes or no. Don't be afraid your life will end; be afraid that it will never begin because some people are so afraid to die that they never begin to live. Be spontaneous.. Most importantly don't forget that you are independent, you can do what you want whenever you want. Always remember that life is a journey NOT a destination. So relax, take the road less traveled and enjoy the beautiful things you see along the way.

So I've never used this lovely blog space lostcherry so generously provdies so I thought I'd give it a whirl. I am sure that I most likely never write in this again. But lets see.. what's new with me? I've been working a lot lately. Ever since I broke up with my boyfriend I have like nothing better to do then work because I had stopped hanging out and talking really with most of my friends because it was always my boyfriend we hung out every day so yeh.. not that we've broken up I am not going to run back to my friends and be like heyyyy i have no boyfriend anymore wanna hang out. Nahh.. that's fucked up. I keep seeing the girl he's with now too I never ever see her and now that I am not with him anymore and she is I SEE HER EVERYWHERE. The whole situation is a lot more complicated then I am expressing. This girl he is with now used to be my best friend.. about 5 years ago.. She introduced me to him and 2 months after we started going on he went and cheated on me with her... this was like 5 years ago... but I eventually took him back and this happened several times... and I took him back every single time.. why you ask? Because I was in love with him. But after 5 years of on and off, heartbreak and lies I decided I had enough and I got up the guts to leave him. I feel like a much stronger person. So anyway back to this girl.. my former best friend.. his current love... he's loved her forever they dated about 2 years before him and I got together and obviously he can't get over. Understandable.. but not try to deny your feeling for her and tell me you love me over and over again and try to forget her by being with me. I have feelings too you know! Anyway.. this girl. I see her everywhere now. She even came into my place of work.. knowing well that I work there and had the balls to be like HIIIIIII HOW ARE YOU !? I wanted to rip her fucking face off.. don't pretend nice with me. But it made me feel a whole lot better about it all. She looked like total SHIT.. she has that dyke spike hair cut going on.. and to top it all off she's gotta be pushing like 300lbs. NO JOKE!!!! She's a fucking WHALE!!!! And I love it. It humors me!!!! Anyway. I am bored. And this blog has been fun. Enjoy all you lovely lostcherry buffs. Peace and love angela <3