Just another myspace blog from today....MWA!
Call this what you feel seems fit in ur mostly judgmental lil world. I need to protrude honesty forth from my fingertips to this god damn website where the people whos life has become centered around myspace communication can fester their thoughts into my personal feelings.
Right now. At this moment. I am above beyond below and bottom out tired. OBSCENELY exhausted. Immensely overwhelmed and dip fried into stress.
A year ago I took a trip. Removed myself from this sick twisted infested lil town of drama and insult. I went out in search of my own survival. I was sitting here in this same spot a year ago covered in my own sweat and tears trying to stand up against the demons. I was so far down I didnt think there was a way I could ever be set free. I was drowning. I broke away and found this person who was hidden so deep within myself that still today my own blood doesnt recognize the woman ive become.
After the time I spent away, I recaptured my strength, wisdom, pride, independance, and dignity. I found self esteem and worth. Most of all I found identity. I realized my greatest calling as a human being will always be a mother to my daughter! I realized the past must always stay the past for me to continue building my future. I realized i had to let go of what was to find a fresh beginning for me and Rhondalynn.
I think I am mostly misunderstood by many of those that do know me. They see the person I was. Fortunately, there is absolutely positivily nothing the same about me. I dont party the same. I dont drink so hard. I smoke twice as much. I layer my clothes to hide my mommy bulge. I buy shoes becuz its the only thing that will always fit me the same. My makeup is never blue or purple. I dont tease my hair. I probably look like a mom...a mom gone retro. LOL! I don't start fights. And I can't gossip. I dont give attention to drama.
The most important thing that is NOT the same are the feelings I had towards all of you at that point my life.
The ones I allowed to take full advantage of me...the ones I so so 'loved'....I most definately almost positivily HATE you now. The ones I led along like lost puppies...I used to LOVE control. HUGE control freak. Now. I don't find pleasure in ur weak company. Stand up and be ur damn selves without me tellin you what to do. And then there was those friends that I kept around become they were...ugly. Yes. They made me look better....LOL. Im sorry bout you can take that nappy hair and nasty face away now....hahahahhahaha. I could probably ramble on forever. But the point is.
I am not the same person. If you liked her then. Loved her then. You can't possibly feel the same now. Totally impossible. Time changes and heals.
Im still the girl that will be friends with anyone...anything. But I am not still the girl who flashes traffic and throws beer cans out the car window. I am not the girl who will get high and drop her pants and her dignity. And I am most definately not the girl you thought loved you then. That girl that loved you then....LOVED games. LOVED control. Sowwy.
SO blah. I dunno. Im moody. Im tired. I need sleep.
