ARMAN's blog: "Done D1RTY"

There's this girl that I'm totally in love with. I've been thinking about ways to tell her I love her. Here are a few of my ideas -

1. Take her to a really romantic setting in the woods in late evening. Pull a candle out and some wine. Light the candle next to a log and sit down near a pretty flowing creek with fur trees and the fresh smell of fallen pine needles. Smile and look her in the eyes and ask her if she's cold. Girls love it when you're romantic and caring like that. So she'll probably say yes. If she says yes, put your arm around her and everything is cute and cuddly and blissful. However, if she says no, grab a tree trunk and knock her into the icy creek. Let her float down the current a little then pull her out by her hair and ask, "How about now?" And she'll probably say yes. Of course she'll say yes. Girls are very predictable like that. Then offer her your jacket and tell her you're only giving it to her to silence the annoying teeth chatter. If she gets hissy, push her back in the creek and hold her head under. When she starts to kick and scream for air, pull her out by her tits, rip her shoes off, and say, "I love your bitchass."

I haven't tried it yet, but I will soon because I absolutely adore this girl and I'm willing to do anything for her. I love her so much, I would give up all my dreams to be a world class darts player just to be with her. I'm head-over-penis for this chick.

I don't mean to be disrespectful to women or make fun of them. I have a strange way of expressing emotions. Some guys buy flowers for girls and make them dinner. I pin them down and flap their arm fat in front of all their friends while I make funny sound effects and call them gristle tits. We all have our ways of showing affection and I hate being judged for mine.

Sometimes you're too afraid to tell a girl you love her. So, write a song for her on the guitar and include the lyrics "I love you" in the song. Good idea, eh? It fills the silence and eases awkwardness. Girls go crazy for that. There's nothing sweeter to a girl than writing her a song. Here's one I wrote for this girl. I'll even include the chords so you can learn it too and sing it to the one you love.

A C
Darling, I'm a virgin.   Em A
And I have STDs. Am C
I'm the only celebate.   D A E
With advanced anal herpes.   A C
Which makes me very special.   Em D
You deserve someone special.   G C C Cm C
Which is why you shouldn't be so prude and   G D A
Bang the piss out of me because I love your bitchass.
 

I wrote forty eight more versus, but they aren't necessary. Practice, perfect, perform.

The three "P"s of umm song playing, shit I'm tired. I'm leaving you on this note:

Cm

Fuck that's stupid. What an awful, cliche joke. No girl would ever love a worthless hack like me who can't even discern a note from a chord. Maybe I deserve to die a virgin. A virgin covered in alphagetti with my scrotum lagging on the ground behind me as I walk up to a girl at a bar and tell her it'd be sexy if she got on her knees and spoke in old Russian while cramming pesto into my belly button. I hate girls.